So.... for ten years I (32f) have been in a relationship with my long term partner (34m) and for a long list of reasons he is not “the one” I want to spend my life with - we have a two year old child together and since I became pregnant my lifestyle and priorities changed and his did not which creates considerable conflict between us. We don’t argue a lot, we used to but now he loses his temper and I can’t be bothered with him so just ignore him and then he stomps out of the house or to another room so we miserably co-exist.
First issue: We have a terrible sex life, I have a high sex drive and he apparently does not. This has been an underlying issue for quite a few years. He would withhold sex as a bit of a weapon and after a while I got sick of trying to initiate and facing constant rejection. The last time we had sex it was one of the rare occasions when he wanted to initiate it and it lasted for two minutes and he got out of bed and said “you can finish yourself off” whilst walking off and I was disgusted to say the least. I’ve tried asking him to go to therapy and he guffaws at the suggestion, won’t acknowledge there’s a problem and doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m a very sensual person and the lack of sex drives me insane. I’ve been in tears arguing with him about this because his nonchalance really hurt me - I can’t spend the rest of my life not having sex. It’s really important for this aspect of a relationship to be fulfilling. He’s not getting it elsewhere, we used to be pretty “open” so would discuss that.
Second issue: His attitude towards me - he is not affectionate and we don’t kiss, or hug. I used to greet him enthusiastically every day and he shuns me, and would rather look at his phone so now it’s got to the point where I don’t even bother and we barely speak at home. He is rude and argumentative on purpose - snappy and talks down to me. It’s so bad that I don’t even get upset or shocked at this anymore - for example today he told me I was a horrible c*** amongst a tirade of animosity because he couldn’t follow the sat nav directions and I pointed out the clear road signs which indicated he was on a dual carriage way and there was only one way he could go. After every single interaction like this he stomps off and spends hours on his own.... usually he does it on purpose so that he can watch a football match on his own and then after a few hours he’ll come back and ask “what do you want to do for dinner” - no apology or acknowledgement of the argument or discussion.... on Father’s Day he told me to “go F*** myself” because he didn’t want to drive anywhere and thought that I should - this is after he had a lie in and I’d been awake since 5am and so I picked up our son and left him home alone. Basically he didn’t think that me surprising him with a family day out to a farm was a good gift and he expected a new pair of trainers .... now in the past I used to spoil him but to be quite honest now we have a son and finances are tighter I’m not going to spend £100 on a gift for him - never mind how shitty he is towards me and that I don’t want to. It just so happened that my mum was hosting a birthday tea party for our son that day (not his actual birthday but the cake and family gathering) and I went home after the farm trip with my son to sense the atmosphere. He didn’t acknowledge me as a I walked in and so I left and went to our sons party. He didn’t bother showing up. He spent the whole day at home and didn’t even do anything constructive like build his bike for the birthday etc - which leads me on to the next thing:
Third issue: parenting - he is not a good dad. He is impatient and his style is not what I thought it would be. I could offer detail and examples here but I don’t wish to ramble. Basically because he is so aloof our child is naughty when he is around so he calls him a “little shit” - I have spoken with nursery about his behaviour because this worries me and neither myself or any of the staff have anything negative to say about my son. He is bright and energetic but we find activities to constantly engage with him so as a result he is really channelling his inquisitive nature constructively and is also one of the kind children who shares his toys and offers his snacks to friends too, so we don’t see any of the naughty behaviour and he won’t accept that he needs to do more with him for this to cease. I can’t even tell you how many times I have tried to encourage him to build a bond with our son - he just can’t be arsed and it’s horrible. Our son is literally the centre of my universe and I plan my whole life around him.... I love being a mother and my life and priorities have changed so much. I just can’t understand why he resents things so much, it’s like he is jealous of our son. He hates the way I dress him but at the same time he has never bought him any clothes. He hates his curly hair and every day he puts water on his hair and tries to brush it flat so it goes into a frizzy mess (I’m mixed race so I value natural hair). I spend ages finding new activities and things to do - I’ll set up a painting session on the dining room table and ask him to interact and he literally huffs about being removed from the tv room, and will sit opposite on his phone - I can see our son chatting away and because he doesn’t pay enough attention he doesn’t know what he is trying to communicate to him.... and I’m heartbroken because I see my son trying to ask for a different colour or show him a painting of an animal (obvs it’s a big smudgy mess on a soggy bit of paper but it’s not hard to say oh wow a cow that’s lovely). My son loses interest quickly, and will run off with paintbrush in hand and then he gets told off for making a mess (somehow paint ends up on the walls) and I have to step in and point out that if he wasn’t ignoring him then he wouldn’t be making a mess to get attention.
Fourth issue: Finances. I earn slightly more, and I’m careful with my money. We are comfortable but before having a child we were very comfortable. We split household expenses 50/50 (bills, food etc) and then what’s left is our own personal money. He chose to take out finance on a car he couldn’t afford without my agreement and expected to add this to our household bills so that I would pay half. I refused as it’s not a family car. So he has even less disposable income to himself. I pay for all our holidays, treats like takeaways and cinema tickets - I’m not the type to order a Chinese for myself and sit in front of him and eat it. He spent so long berating me whilst on maternity leave that I decided to return to work earlier than planned, just because he got a kick out of telling people I was taking advantage of him..... I never spent any of his money on myself - he never had any in the first place and I’m not the type, and now he hates that on top of the household bills there are nursery fees to pay too, which again are split 50/50. He thinks because I could stay at home that I should pay the fees. I tell him that if I were to stay at home then he would need to earn more and support me but because I don’t want his money after the way he treated me on maternity leave that it’s never going to happen. I spend most of my money on things for our son - clothes, activities, classes, toys etc and enjoy doing this... he’s not spoilt, but I have the money and so that’s where I spend it. My partner complains about spending money anywhere. He will buy himself a takeaway type lunch every day and then snacks and crap and scoffs at me with my water bottle and packed lunch.... but I’m not the one spending £70 a week on nothing so I ignore that.
Fifth issue: ambition and attitude - He would as it seems be quite happy to co- exist like this, and on many occasions I have asked him to leave because there is no point in continuing but he refuses. He’s stubborn and comfortable and I have no legal right to kick him out which he is fully aware of so quite often he says this to be contrary. He won’t do anything to further his career, doesn’t have any hopes and dreams for the future, no hobbies and can’t even be bothered to book annual leave to do anything as a family. I can’t bear the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. No sex, no romance, no spontaneity or love. It’s miserable. The last holiday we had was a little break in Cornwall, my parents came along and they would have been happy to stay back and babysit in the evenings for us to go out after the entertainment and our son was asleep - my partner refused to come to the evening entertainment. After “being forced” (as he put it) to spend a whole day out with us as a family he was too tired and didn’t want to go to a “shitty kids disco” - so I’m on holiday still waking up first thing and doing everything for our son, spending a day out at the beach (fun but exhausting) and meanwhile he lies like a fat slob on a beach towel looking at his phone until the battery runs out and enjoys me buying ice creams and drinks but my packed lunch isn’t good enough so he goes and buys himself lunch. Then he moans because I didn’t think to buy any alcohol with the food I’d bought with us and also I find out that he decided to wander to the shop whilst I grabbed a shower leaving my parents to watch our son.... and I think he knew there was a smelly nappy so he was avoiding that. Then I basically look like a single mum on my own which is embarrassing. I’m sat on holiday in a clubhouse and feeling so miserable but trying to put on a brave face and dance to baby shark with my son who is completely oblivious to all of this and showing no signs of tiredness before 11pm and will be ready to repeat the whole lot again from 5am the next day.
It’s exhausting. I just need someone to support me, value me as a mother and a partner and recognise how well our son is doing - I have complete strangers comment that he is a beautiful little boy, confident, well mannered and knows a lot of words etc and I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved as a parent. I want him to be grateful for the little things. I want him to pay attention and do small things like cook dinner once in a while or get up early so that I can have a lie in. That’s never going to happen - I’ve given far too many chances and wasted time hoping that he would change.
So right now I’m stuck.... we rent, it’s expensive and there’s a contract. He won’t leave and I don’t have the funds to find a new place immediately - I am saving up secretly but with a child I’m not prepared to uproot him until I have found a home for us which meets all of the standards. I have about another two years of paying nursery fees and then hopefully after that I will be able to have enough money to pack everything up and get out. So in the meantime what do I do?
I’ve told him out relationship is over and I’ve slept on the sofa a fair few times but it’s tough because our son is still coming in to the master bedroom for me at night and then it’s a disturbed sleep for everyone which makes the tension worse so I’m literally sleeping top to tail in a bed with a man I can’t stand and our son in between us.
I don’t understand why he won’t leave, and for him to not acknowledge or admit there’s a problem makes it worse because it makes me feel like this is the life he wants to live. It’s not for me so I need advice on how best to cope for the next couple of years until I can afford to get out. Just thought I’d also add that I suggested therapy and going to the doctors for depression and all sorts of other things and he just scoffs at me. He doesn’t think there’s a problem so that’s the main contentious issue.
TL:DR stuck in a dead end relationship and it’s going to take me a couple of years to save up and get myself out..... so how do I cope in the meantime?
Submitted July 28, 2019 at 12:39AM by practicallyperfectuk https://ift.tt/2LKyDKO
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