I debated coming here but I really need help because I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm sorry in advance for the long read but I have to get this off my chest before I begin my day. In short, I am student/intern and my husband works in an corporate position that has him travel 3-4 days a week on average. He has been traveling a lot the past few months since receiving a promotion.
Background: Me and my husband have been married for a little over a year now and sex has always been a struggle between us. I have a higher sex drive and need for sexuality than he seems to... I've expressed for the years we've been together my need for the simple things like flirting (sexting, pictures, etc) throughout the day (not every day, I'm realistic) but in time I've quit that battle because it felt petty. We have literally had fights about how he didn't even respond to nudes I've sent him while he's been out of town and how I just feel downright not sexy. As much as he travels, we've never had phone sex or gotten each other off -- despite me wanting to and trying to "bait him" with nudes. Then there has been times where he has gone out of his way to feel sexy... but the other moments of rejection are hard not to forget. Not to sound big-headed, but in my past experiences other men have been more than happy to see my body and be sexual with me. So, for my husband to not want to just hurts. I've learned to accept that he's just different from me and I've put my needs aside. I've had to move on from that and just live with how it is; I don't want to be too high needs sexually and it's not worth the battle. It's taken a long time for me to become okay with this and not take it as rejection. I've done a lot of emotional work.
I must add that when I tell him my insecurities he is very supportive in telling me I’m sexy and beautiful, etc. he listens. But nothing really changes as far as actions go.
Sex life: Our bedroom is not dead. When he's home and not traveling, we do have sex. But, the sex is in the dark probably 95% of the time. Last week I expressed to him that I feel as if my body does not arouse him... we shower together regularly, he sees me naked, I've been known to send him sexual pictures -- which will a majority of the time NOT result in us having sex on a whim from spontaneous arousal. When he sees me I just don't do it for him. I know he loves me and he tells me I'm beautiful. But I feel like he doesn't see me in a sexual way, AT ALL. I know it’s weird to think that I don’t feel sexually desired despite us having sex. Dumb right? But I do. I lost 20 pounds this year going from 144 to 124. I've been in the gym 4-5 times a week this year and one of my goals was to feel more sexy and desired by my husband. I didn't want to let myself go.The sex is... mundane: after our shower together, in the dark room. And sometimes I like it dark because it’s like an awful cycle of feeling insecure because of how he acts with me in regards to sexual attraction so I don’t mind the dark... and I so badly don’t want to be in the dark... but that’s what we’ve been doing for so long now I’m terrified to show my body. I’m terrified of more rejection and just apathy about my body. While this has been hard at times, I've actually come to love having sex with him despite the way we do it. I orgasm, he orgasms. It’s good. Like I said, I have put a lot of my needs/desires aside and I've began to love the “every day” sex in the dark because... well I just love and adore my husband so much. My past kinks, needs, whatever -- are down the drain and I have just learned to love being against his body, close to him. We are having sex more often since he began taking testosterone shots a few months ago. He began getting those after we argued about a him ignoring (literally not watching or responding to) a sexy video I sent him. He said his sex drive was low (it was) and he wanted to get the shots since it's caused us so many issues. I didn't really want him to do that, honestly because I'm fearful of health risks. But he made the decision. We’ve have had spontaneous sex a few times (in the light! Woop! And that made me feel good).
Porn history: I have been known to watch porn. I am not at all fearful of it, or think of it as this evil thing in marriages. When we first began dating, I actually asked him to watch porn with me. That was fun, but only happened a few times. Remember when I talked about having sexual needs when my husband is out of town? Well, after all the grief over it and not getting anywhere I began to take care of myself. This is something I shared with my husband explicitly when he came home. I think in a way I was hoping it would make him see that I have those needs when he's gone. And that they're needs he could easily take care of by simply taking the time while he's in the hotel room to.... you know... call me, text, send pics, whatever. So I've phrased it like his: "soooo while you were gone I looked at porn and got myself off hehe" and he will respond with really nothing other than, "oh yeah?" That was a long time ago, though. It's been probably 6-9 months since that has come up. It was a dumb passive aggressive tactic, I know. I'm not going to lie, I will still pick up my phone and watch a video or two if I feel horny enough while he's out of town. I no longer try to get the satisfaction from my husband because I can't handle the rejection. Point being, I am not a prude or anything.
Since I've found it odd that we aren't sexual when he's out of town I've asked him in a nonaggressive way if he looks at porn and masturbates. I've always tried to be open and honest -- also I want to come off as someone he can trust to share these little things with me. He has always told me no. He says why would he when he has me to come home to? I've asked on a few different occasions, sometimes out of my insecurity and sometimes in a sexual way to spice things up, he always responds with the same answer: NO.
Me: Due to everything above, I've been battling extreme insecurity. Insecurity I've never experienced in past relationships. I've always felt sexy, but I don't in this marriage. I've wondered if he's cheating, but I shut those thoughts down. He is very loving to me in so many ways... I don't want to ruin our marriage by being the suspicious nagging wife. I am a mom to a five year old (whom he's the step father to), so my body has changed. While I might be petite, my stomach has stretch marks and some saggy skin and my boobs aren't what they used to be.... I worry that sometimes my body grosses my husband out... I don't know. :/ again, the rabbit trail of insecurity.
The problem: He came home last night from being out of town for 4 nights. We were shower and I was explaining my internship details. I've had a lot happen in my career. As I was explaining my upcoming schedule his tone changed. I won't get into the details, but it seems he was jealous and uncomfortable with one of my jobs coming up that included a man. He was very short with me. While he unpacked I just got the itch to look at his phone. Literally, I avoid looking because I hate the anxiety but sometimes I do-- I know it's wrong to invade his privacy, but I did. He came in the room and saw me doing it but didn't say anything. Within just a minute I found MILF porn in his browser history. I was shocked. After all, he always told me he never looks at porn... he says he isn't sexual with me while he's in the hotels because he is just tired, etc. But now I see that he's been watching porn? What?! I'm literally so confused. He claims it was the first time, and there's no way in hell I believe that. I've actually known in my gut that he's been lying about it. He said I’m just wanting to find something to be upset about. Like I’m digging for a problem. I’m not.... but I also just want the truth and I trust my gut.
Yes. He's a man. I understand that. Trust me, I understand sexual needs: 100%. I'm a freakin machine when it comes to sex lol. What I don't like is the hiding of it. I don't like lies. I don't like being told "no I don't need porn, I have you. I'm not inclined to sexting, pictures, whatever because I'm old and my sex drive is low blah blah blah..." but then I see the history log.... and I'm just like WHAT THE FUCK? I feel like my world is flipped upside down. I didn't want to argue with him last night so I just went to bed. He tried talking to me about it, but I just couldn't emotionally take it. I don't want to be torn up over this. I really don't. I held it in last night. I told him I didn't want to care and I asked him to leave me alone. I told him I'm setting my alarm and going to the gym so I want to sleep and his response was, "what? so you can get attention there?" WTF? He was getting so defensive. I was trying to stay calm. I have some emotional issues with BPD that I've been working so hard to recover from. I didn't want to spiral. I'm also 30 days sober! I quit drinking alcohol which has relieved my "triggers" and has made me more emotionally stable. I've been so adamant this year on getting well. I didn't want to relapse and drink from this trigger. So while I was upset I didn't allow myself to cry or let my emotions out. I went to sleep.
As of now, we haven't talked and I really don't want to. How can I move past this? Jeez, it hurts. My mind is also now going 100 miles per hour wondering if he's hiding something else.
I feel that he has trouble seeing my body as arousing.... and makes all the excuses... He has sex with me in the dark without having to see me, yet is watching videos of these girls with perfect tits and tight stomachs and I'm fucking sick over it. It makes me hate my body more than I did just last week when I told him I feel insecure. Please help. :-(
Tl;dr: husband travels for work often and will not be sexual with me when gone. I am insecure due to his lack of sexual interest in me. I found him looking at porn and now I'm hurting. Not sure how to interpret the situation. I don't want to be upset but I am.
Submitted July 26, 2019 at 06:21AM by throwaway2043x https://ift.tt/311E4Z5
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