My boyfriend and I have been together for about 11 years. We've had longstanding issues because he comes from a troubled past (long story). He is an extremely special and wonderful person, so I've stuck with it. He has improved his life greatly since we've been together, but intimacy issues persist. We only have sex maybe every 2-4 weeks, and it's due to me having issues with intimacy. I want to get over these issues, but one of the obstacles I'm running into is that about 2 years ago, while he was working an extremely stressful job, which contributed to his PTSD, he started having an issue with grooming.
He will spend hours in the bathroom cutting his own hair, and often ends up with a very close shave on the top, and long in the back. He also shaves his eyebrows off. I can't help but feel like he is looking ugly with these cuts. He also cuts his pubic hair very short, which I'm not into (seems boyish). I love him, but it's become increasingly difficult to feel attracted to him when he looks this way. If I'm honest, the shaved off eyebrows make him look very weird and almost mentally ill/scary. When I've asked him about it, he says it's because they're always growing in unevenly. It's the same issue with his hair, he says he's trying to save money by cutting his own hair, but then goes too far because he keeps trying to make it even. We both know he has issues with anxiety due to his troubled past and PTSD, so both of us have known that the excessive grooming is not completely harmless, but he generally speaks about it like it is.
I'll admit, I've been complaining about it. I'm definitely trying to be sensitive, but my frustration is surely coming through. Over the past several months, I can tell he's tried to avoid shaving his eyebrows completely off, maybe because I've complained. He must have a setting on his razor guard to leave some hair. They've typically been lightly there, but it's been years since I've seen them in full. It looks less weird when they're lightly there, so I haven't complained in several months. He's also been better about not going nuts on his haircut, and has been going to the barber to let a professional take care of it more often, although usually when he goes to the barber, he comes home extremely upset because they cut his hair in a way he doesn't like. Usually after he gets back from the barber, he'll shut himself in the bathroom and spend a while "fixing" it. A couple of months ago, he finally found a barber he liked, and came home from the cut feeling great, and saying that he finally found someone he can trust, and will go back to them, but I don't think he has.
His general mental issues and outlook have really been getting to me lately. He has been increasingly talking about how all people are terrible and he wants to avoid them. He gets angry while driving and can't accommodate other people doing normal things, i.e. if they are stopped in a parking lot waiting for a parking space to open up, if someone hesitates while making a left turn, or if someone opens their driver side door to get out of their car when they are parallel parked as he is driving by (even if it wasn't an unsafe distance from our car). He finds all these to be extremely inconsiderate and contributes to his total disdain of all people, and he gets angry about them. Driving with him is stressful, and we bicker about it, because I am never on his side when he says people are doing these terrible things, I think they are normal. This is really bothering me, I would like to have a healthy relationship with society, and have a social life, and this is making me depressed. The driving stuff is just an example, he gets upset by what people do in pretty much all situations where he has to deal with the public.
So onto my present situation, 3 days ago, he was fired from his job due to a poor decision he made. 2 days ago, he shaved his eyebrows completely off and gave himself a very close cut on the top of his head, leaving it long in the back. It's been a while since he's shaved his hair and eyebrows this closely.
Last night, I decided to google "compulsive shaving" because I noticed the correlation to the stressful event. I found a blog post written by a person who has a disorder called trichotemnomania (not to be confused with trichtillomania, which is more well known and involves hair pulling). I really wanted to talk to him about it. Many of the comments mention it being related to stress and anxiety, and the need to make their hair "even", which seems exactly what he's been doing.
This morning, he mentioned to me that the hair on the back of his neck is a mess (he keeps it longish in the back, but likes to keep his neck groomed) and he needs to take care of it. I said it doesn't look that bad, and took the opportunity to bring up what I found on the web page. I said I'm not angry with him or anything, but I think his compulsive shaving is unhealthy and he might have this disorder. I mentioned that it seems like he's shaving because he feels he needs to, not because he likes the "no eyebrows" look or the haircut he's giving himself. I was trying to be kind, and kissed him on the head while I was saying these things. He said it's up to him what he feels like he should do with his hair, and besides, he thinks there is an added benefit to the weird look of no eyebrows because it keeps people away from him. This information really upset me, it seems like he's trying to scare people to keep them away, and got a bit teared up and said I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's like that, it's not a happy life. I also said honestly it's keeping me away a bit too, which he shouldn't be surprised by because it's the effect he has been wanting to have on people.
Me saying these 2 things really upset him, and he decided to be mean and point out the hairs on my chin which I'm not great at keeping up with plucking. He said it looks like I am growing a goatee (trust me, it's not that bad, there are like 10 hairs total), which he said jokingly to me once last year and it *really* hurt my feelings, and we had an extended argument about it. He knew that was going to hurt me.
I have been shut in my office for a couple hours avoiding him after that argument. A few minutes ago, he came in and tried to ask me if I needed to keep a receipt, since he was cleaning up. I wasn't totally down to act like nothing happened, and I said, you were trying to hurt my feelings on purpose, and I was specifically trying not to hurt your feelings. He said "well, you failed". I said well, at least I tried, and I don't find it acceptable that you intentionally tried to hurt my feelings.
I don't know what to do, I'm pretty miserable, I want my boyfriend who I love to stop going down the path of hating everyone and making himself ugly. I'm also not down with him hurting my feelings because he's hurt, something he's done many times over the years, which I find to be immature. I have considered leaving, but I love him and making things work would be strongly preferred rather than breaking up. Please keep in mind that this post is (of course) only about bad things, in general, he is extremely loving and appreciative toward me. I'm also worried because he's had a history of feeling suicidal (the last time he talked to me about it was about 8 months ago). It would not be a light decision if we split up, we've been living together for many years, and our lives are quite intertwined. It would be more like a divorce.
I'm sure I will get replies suggesting that he needs to go to therapy, but I literally have zero idea how to convince him to do that, he has been in therapy before and did not benefit from or enjoy it, so is generally not open to it. Would love ideas on how to change his mind on that.
Thanks to those who read all this. For those who didn't -
TLDR; I [40f] want to work on intimacy issues with long term (11 years) very loving boyfriend [39m], but he has been shaving his eyebrows off and cutting his hair in generally unattractive ways, which I think is due to an anxiety disorder. He also increasingly hates the general public and told me that he appreciates the way his grooming makes him look weird because it has an added bonus side effect of keeping people away. When I told him this desire of his upsets me, and he's also keeping me away, he intentionally hurt my feelings about a completely less serious / different type of grooming issue I have (he has a habit of hurting my feelings when I hurt his). I'm miserable and don't know what to do to get him to go to therapy or otherwise help this situation.
Submitted May 04, 2019 at 02:57PM by throwaway542712 http://bit.ly/2LpzqBh
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