My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We loved each other very much and we had so many great memories together. The birth of our first child I could tell started to put a strain on things unfortunately. Lots of sleepless nights as new parents and the attention being split between eachother and our child took a toll I guess. Life started becoming a bit routine with my job, getting home to relax and watch some TV together and then repeating it the next day. She is a stay at home mom and doesn't have many friends she can talk to since she moved out of state to be with me when we got married. We both love our child dearly and absolutely do not regret for a second having them, but it was a turning point for our marriage. In the last year she would ask me to show her more love. I agree things did become a bit less exciting and stress from my job and raising our child caused me to focus on her a bit less than I used to but I would always tell her I agreed with her and will work on it since I loved her and wanted no one else and I felt we were making progress.
Out of the blue last month she tells me an old friend from her childhood messaged her. She told me he was always a little flirty and sent a shirtless picture to her right off the bat, but she told him she was happily married and to cool it and that he quickly apologized and it immediately switched to small talk. I asked what his name was to see his Facebook and got the first uneasy feeling when she told me I wouldn't want to see what he looked like and said he was very attractive. I told her I wasn't really sure about it but she insisted it was harmless and nothing will happen which is why she told me about him right away. Not wanting to seem controlling I told her it was ok then.
A few days went by and I could see her constantly on her phone messaging away to someone which she rarely does. It almost seemed like she would hide her screen away at some points while we were in bed together and it got to the point she was on her phone typing away more than she was talking to me. The next day while out at lunch I confronted her about everything and let her know her talking to this man constantly was making me feel very uneasy. She again told me not to worry it was two friends just catching up. I asked to see the messages and she refused saying I would interpret them the wrong way. I insisted getting more worried and it took asking five more times for her to finally give me the phone to read the conversation. I was very hurt after seeing what was said. It very quickly got flirty and he kept pushing to go further, asking her if she ever thought about what if he married her instead of his current wife. She didn't respond flirty back to this instead just telling him he made his choice with his current wife who she had went to high school with years ago. He would add in things like " I can stop if I'm making you uncomfortable" after saying flirty things almost like he was trying to manipulate her into continuing on, not to excuse anything from her either though. The conversation then switched to talking all day long about their lives, sending cute good morning and good night pictures to each other after he started with it and she also started making sad faces and said she was all upset she had to stop talking with him for a while after he said he had to go to work.
I let her know the conversation was not heading in the right place and I could see what his intentions were even if she thought it was just catching up with a friend. I let her know it really hurt a lot to see her flirting with another man like that when she is married and asked her to please put and end to it. She agreed, she said it was going too far and said she will send him a message saying as much and that she is 100% focused on her marriage and that she can't talk to him anymore. She refused to block him though and told me she still wanted to remain his friend on her social media accounts and to not be alarmed if he wishes her happy birthday next week. She wrote up the message and showed me once she sent it to him telling him they couldn't talk anymore.
Next week rolls around and we celebrate her birthday thinking this is behind us. I ask about him messaging her casually and she tells me he did but simply wished her a happy birthday and that's it. Days go by and I start getting an uneasy feeling again. I ask if she heard anything from him again and she says no. Another week passes and it starts getting worse. I notice her leaving with her phone to go to the bathroom or quickly hide her phone after I enter the room. I ask her again telling her I am feeling really weird and have a feeling something is wrong and she insists she is not talking to him, but oddly throws in that she went ahead and deleted all his messages to prevent me from reading them again and getting upset.
That night I didn't sleep at all. I lied awake thinking horrible thoughts about her talking to this man still but keep reassuring myself she would never do that. We loved each other and she would also always tell me the only way she would leave me is if I cheated on her which I would never do and she would always tell me she would never cheat on me that we were stuck together and will grow old together.
Around 4am paranoia gets the best of me and I go out to the living room where she left her laptop which is never locked. I login to her social media accounts and see no messages at all on either but strangely see that they were constantly liking each other's pictures back and forth since her birthday 2 weeks back.
I guess her phone has an alert that told her I logged in and she came into the room and asked what I was doing up. I immediately tell her I did log onto her accounts, how I had an awful gut feeling and tell her about seeing her take her phone secretly and hide it when I came near. I also asked why she is liking all this guy's pictures . She proceeded to yell at me, telling me I broke her trust and that it's crazy to spy on her accounts over a gut feeling, and that liking pictures is nothing at all and I went behind her back and doesn't know how to trust me now. I told her I was sorry and was scared of this guy messaging her and messing with our marriage. She tells me she needs some space from me and didn't want me touching her as I sat next to her trying to comfor her. I told her I would give her space and went to sleep alone in the next room.
The next day we don't talk at all. I try to talk and ask how to fix things and she said she didn't know what to say but nodded when I asked if she loved me and wanted to fix this. We had an appointment together and end up driving there in silence and get some bad news we weren't expecting. On the way home she gets more bad news that she won't be able to nanny the baby she watches since the mother lost her job. We still aren't talking at this point.
We get home and she tells me she needs to make a call and leaves me alone with our child suddenly while she goes outside. I follow after her a few minutes later and overhear her conversation saying she got blocked by this guy after sending him a message and I think I hear something about her not being sure about her feelings. I walk closer to her and she suddenly turns around surprised I was there and maybe heard something I shouldn't have. She gets mad at me again saying I shouldn't have listened. I tell her she needs to tell me what's going on because our marriage is on the line and she needs to tell me the truth or we are through. She looks shocked and scared and tells me that she did message this guy this morning and told him I got into her account and doesn't know what I saw. She said he blocked her right when he got this message from her which she didn't expect from him. She said she was going to follow right up with a second message saying not to contact her again and that she was going to block him so she can focus on her marriage but never got to since he got scared and blocked her before she could say anything else. I asked why she would warn him in that first message and she said her head wasn't in the right place and didn't know if I said something bad to him and wanted to end this with him maturely. She insisted she never messaged him at all after she sent him the other message weeks ago about not being able to talk to him anymore, but agreed the liking pictures back and forth was wrong and that she screwed up and wants to fix this. She said I misheard the part about her having feelings and that she was only upset about him ending this immaturely by blocking her and admitted she liked the attention from him and part of her was sad she wasn't getting that attention anymore but was relieved it was over. She told me over and over she loves only me and made a big mistake and wants to fix this no matter what and that she wants nothing to do this this guy again.
A few days go by and we are working on fixing things together since I do still love her and thought this was finished, and just a friendship that he was pushing too far and didn't see what he was doing. She would have moment's however I would catch her crying and in deep thought but she passed it off as her being upset with herself for letting this happen. The next day she confronts me and says it's eating away at her guilt and admits to me they starting talking after her birthday and lied to me about it over and over which she feels horrible about. She tells me it started out innocent with just talking about our kids and slowly got flirty. She told me she only wanted a friendship and kept telling herself it was ok and would prove to herself secretly she could have a friendship with him but he just kept pushing on her for more. He then convinced her, in her words, to change her passwords and delete all their messages since it would just hurt things if I found out and she convinced herself this was ok to do and then lie to me about them talking multiple times. She said she was stupid and doesn't know why she let him convince her that was ok and didn't want to think about the consequences. He eventually sent her shirtless pictures which she responded to saying how hot and sexy he looked and he asked her if she wanted to see more and she told him no nudity. He asked her for sexy pictures and she says she told him no, and only sent a fully clothed selfie. She said that was the last night they talked together and by that time she was done and scared of how far things were going and wanted to end it. She said she screwed up badly when I went on her laptop by blaming me and said she was scared of me finding out since that was the night things escalated and was ashamed and convinced herself if she hid this away it would never hurt me.
We had a huge argument with me threatening to leave for several days. She pleaded with me and said she screwed up and was 100% to blame but would do whatever it took to fix things and that she loves me and never loved him. She only felt good about him giving her attention and it was never meant to go that far. She said she was ashamed of herself and despite me telling her I was thinking of leaving she wouldn't let me and that she only loved me and will only ever love me. I finally agreed to try and fix things but that she needed to be 100% honest with me about everything going forward. She deleted all her social media accounts which was a big deal since she was pretty hooked to them before this all started and I do believe her about loving me and wanting to fix this. She assured me he meant nothing and it was just a friendship to her and nothing more. She also agreed to never be alone with her phone in another room and told me I was free to search it, which I did. I ended up going through her internet history and saw that the actually was viewing this guy's Facebook profile going back months before they starting talking, like a few times a week looking at both his and his wife's pages. I brought it up with her immediately and asked her why she hid this. She told me she honestly forgot since she was trying to block out all of what happened since it was a big mistake and that she had a high school crush on him which is why she kept looking at his page and that she wasn't sure how to tell me about it without me being upset but insisted she never messaged him first that it was him that contacted her randomly a month ago. I pushed further and asked if she said anything else to him I wouldn't like and she said she can't remember she might have said a few other flirty things and also admitted to asking him if he thought they had chemistry which is something she said on the last day they talked before he blocked her. She said it meant nothing and she only asked because she wanted to see what he was thinking and what his intentions were. She said he replied saying he did think they have chemistry and told me she wasn't happy with his answer and she wanted him to say no since she just wanted a friendship. She then admitted maybe 5% of her wanted him to say yes the had chemistry due to her crush she didn't tell me about previously. She said either way he gave an immature answer and she was ready to end this but didn't know how and was getting scared at that point. I asked her how far things would have gone and at first she said she didn't know, but then changed it to saying she would have ended this within 1-2 days and answered the question too quickly the first time without explaining herself. She kept saying she wanted it to end and now it's over and that's all that matters.
I'm completely lost and devastated. Whatever they had ended because of me finding out and this guy getting spooked. I don't know if she did have feelings for him and they ended once she found out and he tossed her aside like nothing, or she was in fact just looking for a secret friendship which escalated too far, which doesn't make things better since she knew she was hurting me by lying and secretly talking with him letting me be paranoid.
I love her but don't know how much she can love me after doing this. For the last week she has been repeatedly saying she was sorry and she screwed up and that she loves me and never cared for this other guy and wants to prove to me she loves me and will get my trust back even if it takes years. If I divorce her I will lose the love of my life and my child which I can't bear. But I don't know if I can stay either. I do believe her that she is sorry and will stay with me and try to fix this, but I'm not sure if she is being honest or not about what she felt for this guy or how far it was going to go. I know he was going to continue to push until things got sexual, I don't know if my wife was going to let him or not. I don't know if it matters in the end if she did feel something more for him if we're going to try and work this out? I feel like I need the truth despite it probably hurting things more
TL;DR - wife continued to lie to me about a friendship with another married man, escalated to flirting and was going to go further until I stopped it
Update- was hoping to add a bit more since I probably worded our history poorly. We were having some issues with the spark being gone from our marriage after our first child was born. When I would get home from work it did feel like a routine, but it wasn't me going to be by myself to relax and ignoring her. I would always take our child and let my wife have some time to herself while we played together or watched children's shows, it was never me going off alone and leaving her with our child. I would ask what she wanted to do and it was normally just her watching her tv shows in another room or later we would all join up and watch shows together which was a bit dull but we were still doing something together. She didn't really have many friends since moving and it's always been a difficult thing for her to make friends. I would encourage her to go out alone to join up with Mommy groups and things like that but she would decline. I never neglected her or refused to help out around the house. I even gave up watching movies or playing an occasional game alone since I felt like it was selfish of me to not spend time with my family. I'm not trying to avoid taking blame for what happened and our marriage state at all since I do agree i haven't showed as much affection as we first got married but I was trying to fix things over the last few months and let her know she was the same special girl I married.
She was a stay at home mom but occasionally would nanny / babysit another baby for some extra income a couple days a week from our home. If I was home I would always try to help out so she wasn't alone in it. Her day to day life wasn't very exciting though and like I said earlier we just got into routines despite not wanting that.
I did contact the guys wife immediately after I found out about what was happening and I didn't get much of a sense of doing the right thing. She just responded back saying she knows he is a cheater and he treats her like crap and didn't really know what I expected her to do. They both live about 2000 miles away from us. My wife has occasionally visited her home town where they live on her own and while she says she never wanted to meet him, I really don't know if that's true or not or how far things were going to escalate. It feels worse knowing he is married and she chose to do this and hurt another marriage beside her own and with a guy that is a scumbag on top of it.
The part that I'm having so much difficulty with is trying to get into her mindset and wonder what she was thinking and saying to this man. Did she really care about him? Was she thinking of what a relationship would be like? How far was she willing to take it? I know she wants to fix things now but it's hard after all the damage has been done and things ended since i got involved and scared him.
Submitted April 26, 2019 at 02:05AM by Please382453 http://bit.ly/2UItK4W
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