I (24/F) am unexpectedly pregnant, and giving the baby to my infertile brother and SIL (28 M&F). My mom (50's/F) is making the experience a nightmare.

This is kind of a long story. My ex boyfriend and I were together for four years. A couple months ago, we broke up and he had plans to move to the UK (we're from the states). We agreed NC was best, and blocked each other on everything. I found out I was 3 months pregnant soon after; coincidentally, my brother and SIL recently found out they couldn't have kids and were planning to start the adoption process. Ex and I agreed they would be the perfect parents for the baby (both of us straight up hate kids, and I would've gotten an abortion if I hadn't been so far along), and my bro and SIL were so happy when they found out that my SIL actually cried.

This is where the conflict starts. I have always had a difficult relationship with my mom. She constantly bullied me about my appearance growing up, would get completely out of control every time I was in trouble as a kid (full on screaming and threatening me with all kinds of things, which was terrifying to me), and did all kinds of things to beat down my self esteem. Whenever we went somewhere in public, she'd scream at me the whole way home about how I'd embarrassed her--even when I hadn't done anything wrong. Every time I acted out (even in normal ways), instead of just punishing me, she'd sit me down for hours-long lectures about what a horrible person I was, and how she deserved a better daughter. She'd grown up with a delinquent brother who was in and out of jail her whole life, and she always compared me to him--screaming that I was just like him and that I was also going to grow up to be a loser (if it's even worth mentioning, I was a straight A student and have never once been in trouble with the law).

As I grew up, things got better because I was able to distance myself from her and set boundaries (i.e. if you say anything negative about me, I'm walking out that door and I'm not coming back). And I've grown extremely close with my brother (who my mom has always preferred and had a much better childhood than me--to the point where he can't really understand why I don't like her). My brother, SIL, and I live close to each other and hang out a few times a week without my parents, which I think my mom finds threatening. I also think it bothers her that I have such a pleasant relationship with all the other members of the family, because if everyone hated me, then my mom could more easily write our conflicts off as all my fault. She has made many attempts to undercut my relationship with them. A few times, when mom and I were having arguments, she threatened to call my brother and involve him in what was going on if I didn't apologize to her. The most recent time she tried to mess things up between us was a few months ago when my brother bought tickets for us to see a play together, and I ended up having a last minute emergency and couldn't go. My brother went with a friend instead and said it was no big deal. But my mom called me, screaming that I had to reimburse him for the price of the ticket and apologize to him for not going. Then when I just hung up the phone, she called him and told him he should ask me for the money (he didn't). Another time, he and SIL were going on vacation for 3 weeks. I offered to watch their dog for them but said they'd have to make other arrangements for their snake (it eats live mice and I can't handle it). My brother said he understood, and my SIL actually said she'd do the same thing if my brother left town for awhile because she can't handle it either. It only costs like $3 a day to board a snake, so it was really no big deal. But my mom inserted herself into it, telling me I was a horrible sibling to not also take the snake in. And then she went and told my brother that after all he's done for me, he should expect me to be a better sibling.

I guess me being the birth mother of my brother's baby is bringing my mom's insecurities out even more. She has been telling my brother he needs to get my role in the baby's life in writing, since I'll "try to take over parenting decisions" if he doesn't. (I literally HATE children, know nothing about them, and wouldn't be giving up the kid if I wanted to be the parent. I'm going to be a kickass aunt, and that's it. Everyone knows this except my mom). She has also mentioned a few times how I might "change my mind" and end up keeping the baby (which is definitely not going to happen, but is a risk you run when you adopt literally anybody's baby, so idk why it's even worth bringing up). She also suggested that brother and SIL be very careful buying me things, because I'm selfish and might try to scam them (lol; they're paying my medical expenses, which is pretty common practice when you're adopting a baby someone's carrying). And most recently, she told my brother he needs to be careful with how close I get to the kid, because I might "let slip" that I'm the real mom.

That last one hurts me the most because frankly...I'm not the "real" mom. I'm the person who got knocked up by accident and wanted an abortion. My SIL is the real mom. And the idea that I'd try to undercut my brother and SIL, after literally choosing them as the adoptive parents, really bothers me. Especially since that would definitely end up hurting the kid. Because it's not like I'm 16 or something and can't handle a kid; I'm old enough, mature enough, and have a good job. I could support a kid, I just don't want to. What's my mom imagining I'm going to do here? Tell the kid that they're adopted, and also that they were completely unwanted by their birth mom and birth dad? What am I, a monster? Whether the kid ever finds out I'm the birth mom is completely up to my bro and SIL. I want no part of that decision. I don't want to be this kid's parent.

I'm getting exhausted by all of this. My brother doesn't see these comments the same way I do. He just kind of brushes them off. Meanwhile, my dad just enables my mom's behavior because he doesn't like it when my mom gets mad at him. So I'm fighting this battle on my own. But I'm getting a nasty suspicion that this isn't going to get any better once the baby is born. I hate the idea of bringing my brother and SIL into this conflict and forcing them to take sides, but I'm starting to think that's the only way this is going to get resolved. Advice? WHAT DO I DO? I'm stressed enough without this hanging over me

tl;dr brother and SIL are adopting my baby. Mom's insane and making it into a horrible ordeal

Submitted April 26, 2019 at 09:37AM by flounder19601953 http://bit.ly/2vpSYuu