I am beginning to think this is not how I want the rest of my married life to be. And it sucks. It sucks not just because I truly love this man but also because it means admitting I made such a stupid mistake. The signs were always there and I was an idiot to ignore them. Somehow I thought he'd just wise up after marriage, after all it was him who proposed to me so he must value me...
Anyway...
Basically he's obsessed with his mom. No other way to put it.
He's never lived apart from her, even for college, until we moved into an apartment together after our wedding back in September. Even now, our place is only a few minutes walking from where he'd lived with her since he was a kid. So most days he's over there, or she comes here. Either way the effect is there's practically a third person in our marriage. I feel like her and I are constantly playing tug of war over him. Before we got married, he would hardly ever visit me, let alone spend the night. If I wanted to see him I had to go there and put up with her being around. He said she got "too anxious" sleeping at night without him so that's why he couldn't stay over at my old place... umm okay.
Every day whenever he's not physically with her he's calling or texting her. 9 times out of 10 if his phone gets a call or text, it's her. Sometimes he'll be texting his mom all day from work but can't be bothered to respond to a message I sent in the morning asking him where he put something or just messaging my husband something that's the start of a conversation. He'll ignore me and his handful of friends, but always seems to make time for her. They update each other constantly throughout the day on everything they're doing. She also always has an opinion on EVERYTHING. Mundane things, things that have nothing to do with her, I really mean everything. He runs most of his decisions by her and usually ends up going along with her thoughts. She's not aggressively demanding, but will get disappointed if he ever disagrees, which I still see as too controlling for an adult. On the occasion he hasn't responded to a text in more than an hour, she'll freak out thinking something bad happened to him. On more than one occasion he's taken a nap or gotten absorbed in doing something, only to come back to tons of panicked messages from her. She's even shown up banging on our door to check on him.
As you can imagine, all this has put constraints on our ability to have sex. Since we got married we've only had it twice. Before that, we were together for five years and in that time had it around a dozen times. I'm not highly sexual, but I would at least like the freedom to know I could have sex more without her monopoly of his time. I'd also like to be having it more than once every 2-3 months.
I take good care of my health and hygiene and he says I'm plenty attractive, so I'm assuming the problem isn't with me. I've asked if he's asexual and he said he isn't, he just doesn't have a strong desire for it. I can somewhat relate to that, so okay, but his drive is even below mine then. And I'm not fully sure he actually has a low sex drive anyway, because he's got no problem jerking off to porn every day. Somehow his mom being around doesn't stop him from finding an hour to himself in the bathroom with his phone to do that. But an hour in our bedroom quietly? He's too paranoid she'll hear, so he won't do it. But he also keeps letting her sleep over! And on nights she isn't here, he's either sleeping over with her, or just doesn't feel like having sex.
They're very attached to each other in a way no other adult I know is with their parents. They buy each other little gifts at least once or twice a month, mail each other letters the old fashioned way, have a bunch of cutesy pet names for each other, and in general act like they're much younger than they are. It's hard to explain. They're very physically clingy with each other too. I don't mean just lots of hugs and kisses, but full on cuddling on the couch, and even sometimes in bed.
This all makes me really uncomfortable because it's almost like the things I do with him. He even makes comments about her appearance, not just "oh you look nice" but like she has huge fake tits and he's mentioned how great they look to me. I'm pretty sure I've seen him straight up gawking at her rack a few times but he always insists he was just spaced out staring at nothing. The women in the porn he watches also all have plastic tits and I just feel like there's something not normal there, also some of that is mother/son roleplay stuff, I know porn is fantasy but come on...
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm in some kind of unstated competition with his mom. She treats me fine, she's not nasty or anything and is a fine person. But it's like she's got no awareness of how much she's in our lives. Nor does my husband. I feel like we have no privacy sometimes. She came on our honeymoon, my husband immediately invited her along with us on a weekend trip last month that was MY idea and that I apparently should have specified was just for us (why wouldn't he assume that??), she plans to move in permanently once I get pregnant to "help with the baby", and I simply cannot bear the thought of the years and years of this that await me ahead.
Upon expressing this to my husband, he seems to have no issue with the dynamic as it is. He's comfortable with the amount she's involved in his life. I'm not. I feel suffocated in my own home every time she pops over to hang around for however long she pleases. I feel jealous and annoyed whenever my husband pops over to stay with her for however long HE pleases.
Have any of you ever had a partner who had a relationship like this with a parent? Is it negotiable and does it ever change? If so what are some concrete steps that could scale back the amount my husband's life is entangled with hers?
TL;DR: My husband and his mother are very codependent and she's highly involved in our lives. It goes so far as almost feeling like a three person marriage.
Submitted March 27, 2019 at 07:52PM by thecirclejerkoflife https://ift.tt/2TFtmU2
No comments:
Post a Comment