Boyfriend(35M) got a second dog (puppy) behind my (28F) back when he doesn't even take care of his 4 kids! He says he is depressed and "needs" the dog. Am I wrong for telling him to rehome the dog?

My boyfriend brought home a 6-month-old puppy while I was out of town and I am LIVID.

*Long back story*

Dog's backstory: Our friends breed their male Doberman. They keep one puppy out of the litters normally and sell it. They tried to pressure my BF to buy the pup so it stays in our group of friends and can come camping with us on our group trips.

Our Family Backstory: My boyfriend has 4 boys (16, 11, 8, 3). We have been dating for almost 2 years. I always thought my BF was a great father to his 4 kids until we got a house and moved in together. I've noticed that he is actually a very absent father and doesn't engage with his kids. Over the first 8 months of living together in our home, he has become less and less of a parent. I have basically taken on the role of being a single mom of his kids in the house. I LOVE his kids and they make me so happy. I truly enjoy being a mom.... But I resent my BF for spending hours and hours on his phone ignoring his kids!!! I had him check his phone last week and his phone said he spent 40 hours on Facebook, 22 on Instagram, and 18 on Facebook Messenger in the last 10 days. THAT'S INSANE! Additionally, he sleeps for hours and hours all day and says he has headaches constantly. Conveniently, his sleeping issues and headaches are always on days we have his kids, so I become a single parent those days. He is so distant and detached from our family. His kids beg for his attention and he doesn't provide it. He says it's because of his head injury but he did this stuff way before our car accident.

Car Accident: We got in a severe car accident in my car 3 months ago when a drunk driver hit us head on on the freeway. We both had severe concussions- his was worse than mine. I suffered other injuries and broken bones as well. Things have been really rough. We have both struggled. I lost my job due to medical treatment and BF was put on medical leave then reduced hours as a ER Charge Nurse. He is having memory problems and was forgetting what meds went to what patients. We have both been very depressed and trying to recover from our traumatic accident. He has become very suicidal and has been difficult to get professional treatment for. It's like pulling teeth to get him to go to his therapists and neurologist. His suicidality has gotten worse the last month ish and (even though I'm still recovering) I have had to pick up the slack in our household.

Issue: When this whole dog idea started 5 months ago, I was very against it. I love love love animals, don't get me wrong. In a perfect world, I would have a zoo in my backyard. But I know the reality of life-- we have 4 kids at home, my dog from before we were together, and 10 chickens. I'm an adult and understand that we have adult responsibilities! The kids take a lot of our financial resources and time. I am exhausted at the end of the day after taking care of all the kids, cooking, cleaning, teaching his 3 year old preschool material, driving the kids to school gymnastics and piano, etc... and he constantly says he is overwhelmed. Why the hell would adding another dog to the mix be the right thing to do?

BF tried to guilt me into taking the pup when it was 8 weeks old for a "trial weekend". The puppy had diarrhea the first night and stayed up both nights whining, barking, etc in the crate. I was up each night, all night, taking care of the puppy and pottying it while my BF slept. He has the amazing ability to sleep through everything and ignore things. Of course the kids loved the puppy, but I can't take care of another living creature in the house. I told him this was a terrible time to get a puppy and we can talk about it another time way down the road. We gave the puppy back.

Apparently, he told our friends that he didn't have time to potty train it but might take it when it is older and potty trained. I told him to break the news to our friends and say we CANNOT keep the dog but I don't think he did that. Throughout the last few months, our friends regularly talk about how cute the puppy is and about how he's potty trained etc... I kept reminding my boyfriend that we cannot have another dog. The pup is cute and they will easily find a home for him. I was starting to get suspicious about what was going on recently because our friends still had the dog after 5 months. I thought that was weird because if they say they can't keep a third dog, why aren't they finding it a home? Well, after some probing, my BF tells me I'm the only one who thinks we aren't buying the puppy still... I told him to call our friends. Supposedly he called them and they were very upset because he "gave them his word and broke a deal to buy the dog after it was potty trained." WTF! Now I look like the bad guy to our friends. I look like the meanie who won't let him get a cute puppy. I told him that he can make whatever decisions he wants to make, but if he gets the puppy, I will move out. I told him that it is irresponsible to get another dog when we already have a hard time making ends meet as it is AND both of us are dealing with mental health issues and injuries after our accident. Additionally, I told him that it is my boundary and I cannot sit by and watch him not care for his kids but get another dog that distracts him from his responsibility to his kids.

Fast forward to now:

I called him while out of town last night and he said he went to dinner with our friends where they live 2 hrs away. I thought that was a pretty far drive... even asked "Are they still pressuring you into buying the puppy? Have they found a new home for him?" He said yes they are pressuring him and they still have the pup. I responded by saying "Well, I hope they find a good home for him if they don't want to keep him."........plenty of opportunity for boyfriend to say something.

He called me while he was driving home. At one point in the convo when I asked about how the puppy is, he said "How mad would you be if the puppy was in the car with me right now?" WHAT??? How mad? FURIOUS. I was so angry. Still am!

I told him that this was my boundary. I cannot live with the puppy and sit around watching him prioritize a puppy over his responsibility to our family, his kids, and taking care of his serious suicidal mental health issues. He told me he didn't understand how mad I would be, but why would he lie and go behind my back when I'm out of town if he didn't know I would be mad? He then tried to say "But the kids love the puppy" DUH. I love animals too. Doesn't mean a 3 year old should make a life changing decision about a 12-15 year dog commitment!

Lastly, I have told him that it means a lot to me to have my dog be an only fur-child. He gets really jealous and upset when his humans (mostly me and my BF) pet other dogs. He pushes dogs away to get attention when other dogs are around. I love taking him camping and on play dates with other dogs, but my dog loves coming home and being an only dog-child. He is obsessed with my boyfriend's kids and the greatest dog I have ever met. He truly is an amazing Labrador and I don't want him to live out his golden years (he's 6) trying to fight for attention with this puppy around.

I fly home tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I feel like a horrible person. But I feel like morally, I cannot live in the house and see my boyfriend put a dog above his kids, himself, and our relationship. I feel like he might call my bluff and try to keep the dog when I get back. He doesn't seem at all concerned about it taking his attention away from his kids. He also cried and said that he feels like the dog is the only thing keeping him from committing suicide and he "needs" the dog. I feel like he is also literally choosing having a dog over me. He went behind my back when he knew my boundaries.

​

Questions: Am I horrible for standing my ground and keeping my promise that if he keeps the dog, I am moving out? I don't want to but I don't know what else to do...

Is there another possible solution that would allow him to keep the dog?

Am I being fair that I think he should put his kids above a dog?

​

**TL;DR;** : My boyfriend went behind my back and got a puppy when he can’t even handle his own life/ kids and existing pets. I don’t know what to do and not sure if I’m making the right choice.

Submitted March 27, 2019 at 11:52AM by jilldoswaggins https://ift.tt/2Wq3ai7