My husband, Sam, died a year and a half ago in a car accident. We had only been married about 10 months when it happened, and together three years before that. I went to school with my best friend, John, since we were 5 but we didn't become really close until high school
John and I met Sam in college and the three of us became quite close and found a good friend group. We all had our own boyfriends/girlfriends so Sam and I didn't connect romantically for a long time. I did think he was very handsome when we first met but he was SO immature and annoying that it never would've worked if we'd hooked up that early on lol. The three of us plus one other girl ended up living in a house that John's aunt left to him
We continued living together after school and a couple years later Sam and I ended up going on an accidental date on my birthday and the rest was history. I really can't put our relationship into words. We went through a lot together but not even a fraction of what we were supposed to. I feel like we never even got out of the honeymoon phase. Everyday I just looked forward to being with him.
I guess this whole thing is really about John so I'll talk about him now. he was my best man at the wedding. We had two (2nd being sam's brother) and people thought it was weird but it made sense for us. He gave an embarrassing but very sweet speech that made us cry (Sam would tell you he didn't but he definitely did). John and I were the kind of friends growing up where everyone always thought we were dating or would eventually. His mom once got drunk on Christmas and told me she hoped I would be her daughter in law someday. Things were always platonic between us but I did have a bit of a crush on him briefly during high school because he "taught me how to kiss" and my teenage mind quickly imagined us into forbidden soulmates. Fortunately that did not last long and we really spent the last decade (more even...time flies) as platonic friends.
John was the "wild one" in our group, I think because his family put a lot of pressure on their kids to be successful and they have a lot of expectations. Anytime I ever did anything crazy in my life, it'd be a safe bet to say John was involved. So after Sam died, John offered for me to move back into the old house with him and his girlfriend. He and the girlfriend later broke up (I recently found out they broke up because of me). In movies when someone dies, it's this huge dramatic thing. But when Sam died, everything just kept going. Our friends just kept inviting me out. They just kept going out to bars and to movies and my husband was dead. I would talk about him constantly and spend all night staring at notes and pictures like I was still trying to get to know him. Then it just got too hard. I hated writing this part: "I guess this whole thing is really about John so I'll talk about him now" because it's another reminder that Sam and I are never going to have new things. I started feeling so sad for not talking about him as much and then I realized I've already told all our stories a hundred times. And that's it.
John helped me get through it. He made me get showered and go for runs and study. A few months ago things were different with us. We started doing stuff that maybe is pushing it for platonic friends of the opposite, like cuddling on the couch and falling asleep in the same bed. We've done those things before but I guess it started feeling different and I started feeling really guilty. Things built up to one night when we got high and almost had sex at a dinner party at his parent's. I distanced myself from John and he distanced himself from me and things were horrible for like two months because we didn't know how to act around each other. Then we had a heart to heart a couple weeks ago and we both felt guilty about Sam. I hate to say it out loud, but I don't feel bad about moving on from him. It's not that I'm not sad or angry or that I don't miss him. I just feel like if I did move on, that'd be okay. I know that Sam wouldn't be angry with us.
I guess..I am still confused. I love John, but I'm very conflicted over what has happened with us and how we should proceed. When we kissed, everything felt right. I felt like I was doing something that I'd be waiting a very long time for and didn't even know it. We only stopped when we did because we were interrupted and then I began to freak out. I know that John had taken a step back and he was very upset during our conversation because he feels he's taken advantage of the situation unintentionally
There's also the whole thing with our families and friends and how on earth we would ever explain what's happened. I can't imagine ever having that conversation with Sam's parents. I am worried that everyone will be angry with us and I'm sure there will be lots of exes and people saying "I knew it! I knew it all along!" since everyone has been trying to push us on each other since we were kids. I could really use some advice...thank you so much for reading this ridiculously long post
**TL;DR: longtime friends with husband and best friend. Husband dies and now I feelings for my best friend and don't know how to handle it.**
Submitted November 14, 2018 at 04:01PM by DiscombobulatedHost1 https://ift.tt/2zjsPjF
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