I (30f) can’t discuss negative feelings with my boyfriend (32m) of 1.5 years without making him angry

My boyfriend gets defensive when he perceives he’s being criticized. Small things keep escalating to fights and I believe this is the main reason. When I express frustration about something, he says things like “you’re wrong” or “that’s not worth being upset about” or he simply shuts down and looks at his phone.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to manage conflict because honestly it’s never been something I’m good at. I’ve taken a lot of time to myself to be single and grow between relationships but this is hard to work on when you’re single and you aren’t around anyone enough to have frequent conflict. So anyways, here I am 30 and trying to learn about something that I feel like I should be skilled at by now.

Anyways, I stumbled across the concept of validating someone’s feelings (vs invalidating them). This is the perfect way to describe how I feel. When he fails to validate my feelings, it makes those feelings escalate and I have a hard time dropping it and moving on until I feel heard and understood.

I talked to him about this and showed him a couple of articles about things you can do and say to make someone feel heard. He seemed to get it and things have been significantly better since. But not immediately perfect of course.

Tonight was our first fight in a week or so. We usually do our own thing on weeknights but, because I’m feeling a little under the weather tonight, we made time to cuddle up and watch a movie. In the middle of the movie, he got a phone call from a friend. He paused the movie then left the room to talk on the phone. When he got back, I said I understand if it’s an important call but otherwise I wish he’d call the friend back after the movie instead. I’m probably a little oversensitive to this because he’s on his phone a lot texting, using Facebook, playing games, checking sports updates, etc. Sometimes I just like to set the phones aside and focus on each other.

I don’t feel like this should have been a big deal, but he got pretty offended and now he’s in the other room not wanting to spend any more time together tonight.

So my questions... 1. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious if I’m being a crazy person about the phone thing. 2. But more importantly, the problem is communication. Is it reasonable to expect a patient and loving response even when your request is a little unreasonable? I’m not expecting him to agree to everything I ask, but I would like respectful and calm communication about his perspective. 3. I try using “I” statements. Talking about how I feel instead of blaming him. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. Any other tips on how to communicate in a way that doesn’t put the other person on defense?

I’m not looking for advice on whether to stay in this relationship.

TLDR When I express negative feelings, my boyfriend feels criticized and gets defensive. Simple disagreements frequently turn into fights. I’m trying to manage my expectations. I’m also looking for ways to communicate in a less confrontational way.

Submitted November 29, 2018 at 10:26PM by Throwaway112918888 https://ift.tt/2Q4Xyen