I [30f] haven’t spoken to my mother [54f] since the beginning of the year and she won’t stop trying to contact me

I apologize for any formatting issues that may arise as I am on mobile.

Hello all - I am here today seeking advice on how to proceed with a situation. As the title suggests, I have not spoken to my mother for months now; I just up and decided that I would no longer be responding to her texts or calls.

For a bit of a background: my parents divorced when I was very young and she remarried with the man she cheated with a couple years later. I lived primarily with my mother, her new husband, his daughter and eventually their new son for a few years and then moved in with my father full time. I was only allowed to see and talk to my father when my mother permitted it. Living with my mother when I was a child was extremely toxic. She and her husband would fight (scream) at each other daily, and it would often times get borderline violent (slamming/banging doors, throwing dishes, throwing coffee tables upside down, etc). I remember in the beginning of their relationship running out of my room, crying for my mom because of all the ruckus and being scared. And yet my mother would follow him out into the garage to finish their “conversation”.

The man was mentally abusive too. Not only to my mother but to all of the kids as well. He really loved name calling, and would discourage his own daughter from learning by putting her down and making her feel small. I guess it made him feel big. When my younger brother was around 2 years old, the physical violence on him started - spanking bare bottom and slapping of hands. The welts left on my baby brothers skin made me feel physically ill. And the screams of a 2 year old in pain are haunting.

My mother and her husband started leaving me in charge of the household at night (no, I was definitely not old enough) to go out and do whatever they did for hours on end. I sort of became a pseudo-mom to my younger brother. I did all of the changing and the feeding and the entertaining and nighttime routine. I grew more and more protective over him. One day I finally stood up against her husband when he was just about to swat down on the tiny human in front of him, and as a result,my mother locked me in my bedroom for the rest of the day and mocked me through the door for not being able to eat dinner. I don’t remember if locking me away saved them an argument that night or not.

Many, many more instances like these occurred over the next year or so until I finally left and moved in with my dad. Luckily, my father is the polar opposite of my mother and is caring, attentive, nurturing, etc. Being able to come live with him probably saved my life in more ways than one.

My mother seemed to all of a sudden have a change of heart, and would beg my dad to bring me back “home” or at least drop me off for a weekend. I always refused. She would blame it on him, but he would insist that it was up to me and tell her I had no interest. After a few YEARS of that, she finally made her way to me. Up until I was old enough to get a driving license I probably saw her once a year, maybe once every other year. However, once I got that nifty little card that proved I was capable of driving to HER, it was up to me to maintain our 1-2 hour, yearly meetings.

Now, as a child, you want nothing more than to have your parents in your life - regardless of what they’ve done to you. It’s that undying bond that, no matter how small, will always burn. I compromised with my mother and told her I would never step foot in one of her houses again, but I’d meet her at a half way point. So, we did that for a while. And in the meantime, of course she’s had 3 more children and she just can’t possibly leave them with their father for the hour we get to spend together. So our meetings are nothing but superficial and her phone is constantly going off because her husband is insecure (because of how they met) and she’s wrangling her children and she’s not even really there with me. But she of course has to get that picture of all of us together each time to prove to the world that she’s a great mom and “See? My daughter still loves me. Nothing going on here!” And I smile because that’s what you’re supposed to do when being photographed, but inside I’m dying.

These types of interactions go on for years and each time I hope she comes alone, and each time there’s always a reason as to why she couldn’t. I guess part of it was me testing her to see if she wanted the same mom and daughter bonding time like I did. She did not.

I eventually got married and had a baby of my own. I told my husband she was absolutely not to be notified of the baby being born until AFTER he was born. Luckily, no surprise visits. But she did come to our place the day after we brought our son home. And look who is in tow - all of her other children. I’m tired and cranky and feel gross and just trying to learn how to take care of a little human. My husband and I are bonding. And she sat there the entire time ignoring me and trying to flirt with my husband (it’s in her nature). My husband is getting uncomfortable so he goes to a different room. Now I’m stuck alone with her in the state that I am and she tries to give me advice on how to be a mother. I’m laughing inside and tell her to go. BUT not before she takes a shit ton of photos of my baby and blasts them on social media without my permission with captions claiming she’s a fan-fucking-tastic grandmother. “Oh and what grandma name should I give myself? My dead mothers nickname?? Yes! Perfect!”

Now every time we meet, I have my husband and baby with me. More of the same behavior from her with her photos and children and buzzing phone and flirting with anything with a dick. I’m starting to think, “What am I doing? What am I getting out of this?” She literally is offering nothing to my life other than a wasted afternoon. I love my half-siblings but I just can’t endure this anymore.

The last time i saw her was on a holiday and my son and her youngest played for a while (they’re about the same age). The last time I spoke to her was via text telling her to leave her children at home and to leave her phone in her car and I will meet with her. She hesitantly agreed and we set a rough date. As the date grew closer, she contacted me asking if I would drive all the way to her house with my family and spend the day with her family. So, what she’s telling me is essentially she never wants to meet alone. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been alone with my mother. It’s odd to me that it’s never occurred to her that maybe that’s what our relationship needs. We’ve never had one of those heart-to-heart conversations. I’ve actually tried but I’m always met with the usual answers of someone lying to protect themselves and their abusive husbands.

Before I essentially ghosted her, we texted on birthdays and holidays and things like that but nothing more. I’ve asked her attend my paternal grandparents’ funerals and she refused because her husband wouldn’t allow it (she came up with some poor excuse). When I moved out of state, I asked that she come stay with me for a week and bring the kids (not the husband) and we’ll have a grand old time. She refused (excuses about money). She doesn’t work and her husband gives her allowances, so of course it’s about the money. It’s just things like this, where I’ve extended the olive branch, but it’s always denied because it’s not on her husbands terms. So that’s why I gave up and stopped answering the phone. She’s texted quite a number of times asking why, what did she do wrong, blah blah blah. But in my mind, the answer is incredibly obvious. She even got a hold of my father after a couple months had passed, asking him what the issue was, and he literally gave her an itemized list of all the things that have occurred over the years that have hurt me. He sent me screenshots of the messages and her replies were really quite sad. She still couldn’t figure it out.

I would love a relationship with my mother, I really would. But not if things don’t change. My dad has always been on my side through all of this and thinks my mother should have come to visit me on her own, take ME out to lunch, send Xmas gifts every once in a while, take a 3 day road trip just the 2 of us, etc. While I agree , it is pretty unlikely any of those will ever occur. He also has told me to make sure ceasing all contact with her is what I really want so I don’t come to have regrets in the future. I’ve moved states again and I don’t think she knows. I’m not sure I want her to know.

There’s a whole lot more story and happenings that I could have included but it’s early in the morning and I’m rambling and I’m sure this blob of words is riddled with typos.I would really love advice on how to proceed..do I just let the relationship go and try to fully move on? Do I reach out and try again to get through to her? And if so, do I set ultimatums in place? I don’t what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading.

TLDR- haven’t talked to my mother in months because she’s always put her new husband first and our interactions are always meaningless and superficial. She’s wondering what’s wrong. Do I go no-contact for good? Or reach out?

Submitted November 28, 2018 at 01:07AM by throwaway474939 https://ift.tt/2FIeJOh