My (28F) fiancée’s (25F been together 2 years) parents refuse to accept our relationship. How do we deal with the negativity and hurtful comments?

Throwaway because my reddit username is known by many people.

This is a long one, so buckle up (I read relationships often, and appreciate the posts with more context, so I’m trying to give that here).

So like the title says, they are rejecting our relationship due to their religious beliefs.

Allow me to set the stage: So Jen and I work together and have for about 3 years. We became friends through other co-workers and started hanging out together as we share common interests, etc. I’ve always been gay and don’t really hide it but don’t really talk openly about it either. She seemed to identify as straight, but the more we talked I found out she hadn’t really been in any relationships with either sex and didn’t particularly have a ton of interest/worry in that regard. So we hung out more and more, started attending a local gathering together where we shared an interest, and our friendship grew stronger. About a year after we had become friends, it was evident we both liked each other. Feelings were confessed over glasses of wine one night and we’ve basically been inseparable since then.

She was worried initially about her parents finding out/judging her, but she was open about telling her close friends, siblings, etc. She said she would eventually tell them about us and I had no problem with waiting a while. I had met and even hung out with her parents on a few occasions as her “friend in town” (they live in another state) and they appreciated me helping her get into some hobbies/gatherings in the area, as well as being there for her when she needed someone (help moving, watch the dog, etc). So that was great and made me feel like they really liked me, and I would eventually be accepted. This was awesome for me because I’m not close with my family, and I really feel like I’ve missed out on that loving family dynamic. Jen’s family, however, is VERY conservative and VERY religious. I knew this would be a bit of an issue but I thought we could get past it and if they could see that I was a good person, that our love was strong, eventually they’d accept us.

Fast forward 6 months, and she tells her parents that we are in a relationship. It doesn’t go terribly, but not great either. Lots of crying, hugging, and “of course you’re still a good person,” etc. They did ask her to continue to keep it a secret as they didn’t want their extended family to know. She decided to placate them for now. I don’t see them again for another 4 months or so and when I do, everything is cool and they are nice and polite, but looking back I see now that they weren’t interested in getting to know me anymore. I didn’t really notice it at the time because they were still really nice and cordial to me. Welcoming, hugged me, etc. I sent them presents at Christmas (we spent Christmas apart) and they told Jen to thank me for them and I was happy with that response.

She also has 3 siblings—and one of them is a gay male (Micky). Apparently when that went down, her parents had a really tough time, went into crisis modes, changed churches, etc. But that was over 15 years ago. He is (obviously) still gay but they just kind of ignore it and he doesn’t care much about what people think so it hasn’t been an issue they’ve needed to address. However, he just recently got into a serious relationship and that comes into play later.

Her other brother and his wife (Daniel and Lindsay) are SUPER supportive and loving and are always over the top nice to me and make me feel very welcomed and loved. Her sister (Sarah), on the other hand, is nice to my face but has badmouthed me and our relationship for a while. We only found out through her brother Micky who confessed that Sarah had called him and said things like “I just don’t get it, she was never gay before!” and “I wish she’d just find a nice guy and settle down.” Anyways—she’s not supportive though she pretends to be on the surface. I’ve done favors for her (resume fixing, helped her make a digital portfolio for her job, etc) and all the while she didn’t like me. Whatever, it’s fine.

I asked Jen to marry me in a private little proposal that was meaningful to both of us and she accepted. We were over the moon, but quickly realized that telling her family was going to be the hardest thing we had ever done.

She told her mom first…over the phone. Mom was very quiet and awkward. A lot of “wow, okay” and “as long as you’re happy”…you get the picture. Sarah basically said the same thing. Micky and other brother (Daniel) were very happy and excited about the engagement.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, and we go together. Thanksgiving day comes and everyone is partying (drinking, telling jokes, doing silly stuff with the dogs, etc.). Jen had talked with her mom prior to guests arriving, and had decided not to wear her engagement ring in order to not rock the boat. She was upset about it, but decided to do it out of respect for her parents. But it’s a fun time. I don’t really drink a lot so I was just chatting and getting to know some family members I hadn’t met before. One of her uncles even came and sat next to me and we got into a really deep conversation about a specific topic from my job. He seemed genuinely interested and it was a great interaction. Her dad and Micky’s boyfriend (Seth) talk for hours at Thanksgiving…politics, history, whatever and are taking shots together. Looking back, this makes me upset because it seemed he had a genuine interest in getting to know Micky’s boyfriend but hadn’t done the same with me.

Later that night, her dad proudly announces that he offered to let one of their cousins get married at their house (it’s a beautiful house on lots of land) and I knew that Jen was crushed hearing that as she had dreamed of being married there. Weird side note: that night after the family had left, Sarah and her boyfriend Matt got into this weird fight and made us uncomfortable because we were in the living room and they were in the kitchen, but we didn’t have anywhere else to go so we just turned on Netflix. Later, we discovered that they had passed out in Jen’s bed together (which btw has been a big NO-NO). So Jen decided to sleep on the couch, while I stayed in the guest room. The next morning no one said a thing about Sarah and Matt obviously having slept in the same bed, but whatever it’s their life (also, Matt is not yet divorced from his ex). It just kind of upset me that the rules seem to only apply to some people.

The next night, a friend of Jen’s came over that had also recently got engaged and this time, her dad loudly said “CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so proud of you!!” to her friend. I just looked at Jen and then had to leave the room. I went into the guest room I was staying in, and just cried and cried. We ended up all 3 heading to a park and hanging out, having dinner, until the parents were asleep. The next morning, we packed up and left. They hugged me goodbye, but it did still feel weird.

We get home, and Jen’s dad calls. Wants to talk to her alone. So I head outside, and go walk the dogs, play fetch with them, etc. so she can have some privacy. Told her to text me when she was done. She texts me, and I’m just in the backyard, so I come in and she is like full-on panic/hyperventilating crying. I consoled and held her and let her know I was here for her. Then she started to unpack the conversation. Apparently he quoted a ton of bible verses, linked being gay to bestiality as well as rape, told her he knew a great guy in church choir he wanted to hook her up with, etc. All of these things she just kind of listened to and “ok” or “no, sir” “yes, sir” “I understand” because that’s how she’s been raised. She did tell him she intended to spend her life with me, get married, have a family. Apparently dad even mentioned that he knew I was a good person, blah blah blah. He said they would never acknowledge or accept our relationship, ever.

So we sit on this for a few days. And 3 days later, her mom calls her at work. “just wanted to catch you alone,” (wtf?). So they talk and her mom basically does the same thing and also asks if I’m pressuring her, manipulating her, forcing her to stay in this relationship…(again, wtf? Our relationship is the healthiest I’ve known and we don’t fight, and communicate very well). Anyways, she told her it’s not too late to get away from me, asked if I pursued her, all sorts of bad things that show they don’t know me at all. She reemphasized how they don’t want anyone to know and that she shouldn’t post anything online or tell anyone (which is something we aren’t willing to do…eventually, it will come out). She asked why we wanted to get married and brought up an example of a lesbian they knew who waited until her grandparents were dead before she moved in with her SO. She also talked negatively about artificial insemination and thought that was wrong as well (since Jen mentioned us wanting to have kids).

So she breaks down again, and is crying and we talk, and try to unpack it all. It’s just so difficult knowing how much she loves and adores her parents and is so hurt by what they are doing and saying but also feels like she can’t stand up for herself. She feels like she has no support and is absolutely crushed that Sarah is being so two-faced.

Christmas is coming up and she said she is absolutely not going without me, but of course I feel bad about that because of how much she loves her family. She hasn’t told them yet anything about the holiday or what is going on—it’s all too fresh, and she’s so hurt. In the mean time, Daniel’s wife (Lindsay) is reaching out and being sweet and accepting and that’s helped her at least see that some people (Daniel and Lindsay) support and love her no matter what.

It’s just all too much. We are both at work and feeling lost and hopeless, worried and unaccepted. We live far away so it’s slightly easier to ignore for now, but with Christmas coming so soon, we will have to confront the issue or at least do something about it all. So how do we deal with these parents? How do we deal with her two-faced sister? How do we move forward and her retain her family and her relationship with me? She’s the absolute real deal. She has told me countless times she’s not leaving me, no matter what they say, and that we are destined to be married, have kids, the whole 9. But in the mean time she’s hurting, feels like she’s hurting them, and having to hide our relationship which hurts her even more.

TLDR: My finacee’s parents won’t accept her gay relationship with me due to their conservative and religious values. They are vocal about never accepting or acknowledging us as a couple. How do we move forward and keep her family relationships in tact while also staying together?

Thank you in advance for all your advice and comments.

Submitted November 28, 2018 at 09:45AM by ThrowawayLongNumb84 https://ift.tt/2Sg9YNb