I (43M) am considering getting a divorce from wife (42F) but am questioning my own motives. Do I need a sense check?

We have been together since we were about 19, and got married at 25. Our relationship, like any other, have been through some good and bad patches. However, this current situation has pretty much been unchanged for about 2 years. Even more concerning, we have moved beyond arguing to more or less complete indifference.

I caught her lying to me about seeing another man about 3 years ago (classic text on iPad / iPhone situation). She, to this day, assures me it was all platonic but that he is very important to her (to a point, she actually told me he was the most important part of her life). At that stage, they also started working together. She was my rock and my best friend and I pretty much relied on her for all my support so these events shook me incredibly badly. I got badly depressed and (luckily) was talked out of a serious suicide attempt (even had the service arranged!) by some fantastic first responders. She is somewhat aware of all of this but does not have much interest in it [see below).

One of the other things that also happened back then was that she told me that she is not interested in any of the bad things that happens in my life. I relied on her too much and she did not want to be my support anymore. If I had something to discuss, I needed to find someone else to talk to. She needed time to focus on herself and she was not going to be be there for me anymore. Things got pretty rough for a while. For example, I’d say we were going to struggle to pay our bills this month, she’d accuse me of trying to manipulate her and she would immediately go out that day and spend $6,000 on clothes.

Now, fast forward 2 years later: I have pretty much completely removed her out of my life. I do not talk to her about anything that is going on with me. I did not even tell her my sister has had a baby (we emigrated, so don’t see family much) or anything about work, for example. Our day is pretty much that she goes off to work (I work from home except when travelling). I look after the kids, make sure they are fed and picked up from school etc. When she shows up, she talks about her day and all the characters, clients and so forth. She then goes to bed, and I go and watch tv, play games, whatever until I go to bed a few hours later. When we were younger, and in love, we used to argue all the time. Now, nothing. Just don’t care enough.

The focus on herself has reached new heights. She goes out with her one recently divorced friend most weekend nights. I asked her to bring back $5 last night for tooth fairy money for our son. She did not , and then I had to go out at 1am when she came home to go and get something for our kid. (She told me I was being a martyr). She has not bought the kids a birthday or Christmas present for 2 years and last year she did not even get out of bed to watch them open their Christmas presents.

As you can guess, I am actually incredibly lonely. I work from home most days, so don’t have much interaction with people outside of Skype. My sister, who I am close to, is in a different time zone so that is complex. I want to meet other people but I don’t want to be that sad married man. I’d much rather do it with a clean slate.

I know I have a tendency to be controlling and manipulative. I know this about myself and I am consciously aware of it and try and fight it. This is the problem.

I need a friend and a partner.

She has zero interest in a conversation about it (flat out refused to join me for counselling 2 years ago). I think I want to break it off but I wonder if I am doing it for the right reasons. I think she actually, deep down, knows what is going on and she still cares about me and if I ask for a divorce, it might prompt her to engage again. And, then, maybe she fixes her behaviour and hates me for it. Because she and I will feel like I manipulated her into it. A divorce will also be bad for her lifestyle. I earn 90% of the money, and I will ask for the kids to be with me as primary carer (as I am today). I am thinking of giving her a cash sum and she can go on her way. But this will hurt her lifestyle (expensive clothes, cars etc.).

So, am I wrong? Is there a less nuclear option available?

TL:DR Wife has pretty much zero interest in me or our home. She will not engage on problems at all, and I have stopped involving her in my life. I want to leave but worry that a) am I being manipulative and is there a less drastic option or b) she ‘fixes’ the issues but hates me for it because I manipulated her into it, thereby making it worse.

Submitted September 02, 2018 at 07:38AM by Mr-Lungu https://ift.tt/2wBcuW6