I (22M) got together with the adopted brother (19M) I abused for most our lives and this is how it went down

(I made the mistake of linking my original post and got them both deleted, I'll try this one more time).

Quick recap: My biological cousin was legally adopted by my parents when he was 7 years old (his father was never around and his birth mother - my father’s sister - was a drug addict who did time and eventually moved to another state and never came back). The thing is, I was a jerk to him from the start. Being a spoiled little brat used to being an only child, I was very jealous of him. My reaction was to say mean and hurtful things to him when no one else was around (things like his parents didn’t want him and he had no family). I wish this was just childish behavior, but it got worse in my teens. I’d never introduce him as my brother to friends or in school and I can see now what a bully I was at every chance. Our parents, who always just wanted for us to get along, tried their best (from serious talks to grounding me, and you can imagine how every punishment I got just made me undeservedly resent him more). Now, through therapy, I can understand how he always looked for my approval and affection. Yet it breaks my heart to think of all the things I put him through. Previously I asked for advice on how to approach him, what was the best way to apologize and try to start a new, better relationship, since we are now very distant and only see each other sporadically at our parent's house. I called him up last night and he agreed to meet me so we could talk about how things between us used to be. This is how it went.

***

So, my brother came by around 7:30. I did my best to hide how nervous I was about the conversation we were about to have. I made small chat, showed him my place (he’d never been here before), asked about his job and his studies, asked if he had been talking to our parents, things like that. I suggested we order a pizza and, soon after I ordered, he asked what I wanted to talk about. I didn’t know how the conversation would go and didn’t want us to get interrupted midway through by the pizza guy, so I said it could wait. I noticed he seemed anxious as well, especially because he still didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted to discuss.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, he got a call and was on the phone for about 10 minutes. I could tell he was talking to some girl and asked him about her. He then asked if I had dated anyone since my ex and we talked about that until the pizza arrived. We ate and relived some memories from our lives together – like he remembered I don’t like olives and our “pizza and a movie” nights. It was the closest and most relaxed we’d been around each other in years, and I was suddenly optimistic and confident about the hard conversation we were about to have. After we were done eating, while we were still sitting at the table, the elephant in the room was back. He looked at me and asked: “So…? What was it that you wanted to talk about?”

And then I spoke. And for a while only I spoke. I said I’ve been wanting to talk to him for a while but didn’t know how he was going to react and made it clear that if he felt uncomfortable in any way, he could say so and I would drop it. I said I kept thinking about the way I treated him since he came to live with us, and how just the thought of it makes me sick, and if it’s that painful for me to remember, I can’t imagine how it was like for him. While I spoke he just sat there, silent and avoiding eye contact. I said that, through therapy, I was closer to understanding why I acted the way I did (being jealous, confused and insecure), but made it clear that I wasn’t making excuses and didn’t want him to think I was trying to justify anything. I told him how sorry I was for all those days I made him not feel welcome in our family or less of a brother to me, because that’s not how I feel now and, really, it wasn’t how I felt then.

I was nervous, but was keeping it together and thought things were going reasonably well. And that’s when I made a mistake. I thought: “since I’m apologizing, I should give some specific examples of how I messed up and really own up to my bad behavior”. But as soon as started naming some of the things I was sorry for (like all the times I told him he wasn’t my real brother and that he didn’t have a family), he started to cry (he had his head down, but I could see tears running down his face and even had the impression he was shaking a bit). I didn’t know how to react – if his crying was a healthy reaction, or an indication that I should stop talking. So what I did was, I leaned forward and tried to touch his shoulder. Bad idea. He got up really fast and told me not to touch him. He went to the bathroom, presumably to wash his face and recompose, and was there for a while. I don’t even know how long.

After sitting at the table alone for what it seemed like an eternity, angry at myself for effing this up, I got up, knocked on the bathroom door and called his name. I didn’t know if I should leave him there for as long as he needed it, but in all of the scenarios I’d played in my head, none of them included him locking himself in my bathroom. I was going off script here. I knocked again and told him I was sorry, we didn’t have to talk about it anymore, could he just please tell me if he was okay? He opened the door, left the bathroom, passed by me and went back to the living room to get his wallet and keys from the table. I followed him, asking him to please don’t go. He still hadn’t looked at me or said a word. I was expecting he’d yell, hit me even, and honestly it couldn’t have been worse than what was going on. Then he finally spoke, loud but not yelling. He asked me why I had to bring all this up again. I said I shouldn’t have, I made a mistake, we didn’t have to talk about it ever again if he didn’t want to, I just thought it was something that could help ease his pain and maybe improve our relationship, for us and for our parents.

That was big mistake number 2 – but one that at least got him talking. He became really mad at the mention of our parents and told me that I had no right to bring them into this, since I’m the one who always made things difficult and never cared about their suffering. He went on to say that I was just trying to relieve myself from guilt and that I’m an asshole who can't think of anyone but myself. And he went on for a while bashing me and venting about what a piece of crap I am (keep in mind he has a very non-confrontational personality and never retaliated to the abuse I put him through, so that was something new). I just took it in, because it’s true and I deserved to hear that.

I made sure he was done venting out before I told him he was right, I am selfish but I’m trying to do better, and the way I treated him was the biggest regret of my life and I just didn’t want him to spend one more day taking all of that to heart. By then I had sat down again and he did so as well, which seemed to calm things down a bit. I said we didn’t have to talk about it anymore and that he could take his time to process what I’d said, but to my surprise, he carried on. He asked me what I wanted from him – forgiveness? I said it wasn’t my place to expect that, but that I hoped that, someday, he wouldn’t feel so hurt by my past actions and, if so, maybe we can be in each other’s lives eventually. That maybe one day he'll see me as the brother he can talk to, or just hangout sometimes and get together to play (earlier when I was showing him around he was impressed by my PS5). He then said it’s not that easy, that he’s getting on with his life and has already made peace with the fact that I’m not part of it. It hurt me to hear that, but I understood. Feeling there was nothing left to be said, I apologized if I'd hurt him again by bringing all this up. He just nodded.

We were left with that awkward feeling of an uncomfortable conversation. I mentioned I had beer and asked if he wanted to have some and play Call of Duty, which I know he likes, but he said he had to get home. I was disappointed, but I could tell he needed his time. As he got up to leave, I asked if I’ll see him for our dad’s birthday next month, and he said yeah, sure. We said goodbye and I told him I’m here for him, if he ever changes his mind (about building a relationship). He was quiet for a moment and said “thanks”, which doesn’t really mean much, but it meant a lot to me, like the acknowledgment of a possibility.

So there you go. I said what I had to say, it wasn’t perfect, but it is what it is. He’s not in a place where he can forgive me yet, much less willing to give the relationship a shot. This all just happened so I can’t tell if the conversation did more harm than good. I got to thinking that bringing up the past not only triggered his memories of the abuse I put him through, but also of a very difficult time in his life (being abandoned by his birth mother, being adopted by his aunt and uncle and of course, having an asshole for a brother). He went through some serious shit I can’t begin to understand, and maybe it wasn’t fair of me to make him relive all of that.

From my part, I’ll respect his wishes and let him be for a while. Thanks to anyone who read this all the way through. I just have a few last questions: based on how it went, do you get the feeling we can get a positive outcome out of this? Also, now that I’ve had the talk with him, should I give my parents a heads-up about what happened or just keep this between the two of us? I ask this because, if the things I said really put him in a bad place, he might need someone to talk to and rely on, and clearly I’m not (and probably won’t ever be) that person to him. Yet if I involve our parents he might see it as some sort of a betrayal, me making an ever bigger deal out of this, me trying to save face or somehow pressuring him into forgiving me.

TL;DR. My brother and I had our talk. It was a start, but he probably won't forgive me anytime soon and has no interest in starting a new relationship. I'm wondering what to do next.

Submitted May 22, 2021 at 08:49PM by Throwaway_099111 https://ift.tt/3bMGIdi