My (36f) husband (38m) always whines about illness/feeling poorly after being angry. This isn't normal, right?

Lots to unpack here so I will try to be quick and hit the highlights. Obligatory long-time listener, first-time caller bs.

We've been married most of our adult lives (16 years) and while he's always had a bit of an anger problem, it has greatly increased in the last five years or so. He has an autoimmune disorder that he doesn't take great care of that has caused some co-morbid secondary issues. Also, there are some diagnosed and undiagnosed mental illnesses that he no longer gets treatment for because the meds affected his libido and he disliked therapy. He no longer works and is currently going to school online but that is so halfassed that many of the assignments have been done by yours truely. Because of him being out of the workscape, I have left the whole stay-at-home mom gig and found a good little niche for myself in the "would you like paper or plastic?" world. I'm actually thriving being right now doing what I thought was initially going to be a go nowhere path.

The matter at hand: He gets angry a lot. A lot. Especially when he "doesn't feel good". And when he does he does things that are really rather unacceptable. Today he kind of shoved me out of his way while yelling in my face and then threw a standing lamp into the floor. He always goes to bed to sleep after these outbursts and when he comes back, like today, there's always a trumped-up case of how something hurts or how something is wrong. His feet are bad, his hands are numb, his blood sugar levels are high, or he's going to be sick to this stomach. So then...instead of talking about the incident, it's all about his health and what we need to do to get him feeling better. I go into anxious caregiver mode because a handful of times, he has been hospitalized due to complications.

But, and I HATE saying this because it makes me feel guilty and just gross inside, this crap is getting old. Everything, always, is about him. Either his anger and whatever he is mad about or how poorly he is feeling. I feel like I have to balance all of it, all of the time, and I ...am...so tired. When he starts to get in the self-pity wallow stage, anytime I try to help I'm rewarded with snide comments or angry remarks and orders to not to talk to him, even though he's the one that started the conversation.

I don't know what to do, but I swear I can feel myself caring just a little bit less each time. Does that make me a bad person? Am I going about this all wrong? Im worried that I've been codependent for so long and now I'm starting to break out of it and kind of feel guilty. Is this gaslighting so I don't focus on his less than acceptable behaviors and prevent me from calling him on it?

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TL;DR: After throwing anger tantrums, husband plays the woe is me card about illness and maybe gaslights me. What can I do?

Submitted May 29, 2021 at 07:11PM by honeysucklezero https://ift.tt/3c3Mvem