Throwaway. Sorry it’s long.
We have been together for nearly 10 years. We do not cohabitate. My partner has children from a previous marriage and he has racked up a lot of debt fighting for custody in court. Over the years I have contributed over 30k toward his court battles.
Because he has been so hard up, all vacations have pretty much been financed by me. He would pay for some things of course, but the majority of the costs have been me.
He has been slowly climbing his way out of debt. I have helped him with both paying down debt and paying a portion of his rent as I stay there about half the week. In addition, while I am with him and the kids I have bought groceries, dinner, etc. as we tend to split the fun costs down the middle. I don’t mind paying for the kids to eat/go out.
We decided to move in together and buy a house. He made more money than me by 20k when all this was happening. I decided to get a second job and have managed to save 50k on my own. He has finally paid down his remaining debt to less than 2k. But he has not contributed any money to savings. In fact, I have dipped into money I could have saved to help him with his rent/debt over the years.
I have asked him to get a second source of income. He works from home at a low stress job wherein he has time to watch tv, take a nap, etc. and could definitely moonlight. He declined saying he is at his max capacity. But he also has time to see his friends multiple nights a week for hours at a time. I suggested that he skip the bar and do some Amazon deliveries or something low stress on the side. Again, he has declined. Saying that he is not as capable as I am at working two jobs.
I have been stressed. To my max. I eat out a lot because I don’t have time to cook. I do not have time to clean my house. We both cook and clean at his place. He did not ask me to get this job, but we would not be able to buy a house if I didn’t.
I asked him to borrow against his 401k to contribute to the down payment. He initially declined but after I lost my shit at his lack of contribution, he said he would. We argued all week about what he would contribute. Either financially or help me by cooking me meals for the week or helping me keep my house clean. He initially told me he is only capable of contributing what he has already done. And he brought up the fact that he keeps his apartment clean and has helped me with a task at my house twice in the past 6 months. Keeping his own house clean is basic adulting shit! How is that helping me? Helping our house goal?
I do not think what I have been asking is unreasonable. I have supported him 100% over the years. And now that we have a financial goal, he is begrudgingly contributing a small portion of his 401k.
This is bringing up so much resentment in me. It is highlighting all of our relationship issues. And if it weren’t for those kids, I think I’d be buying a home for myself. I have days where I don’t even want him in my house. I don’t want to feel this way but I am tired of feeling used. This is all feeling one-sided and I don’t think I should have to argue with my partner to contribute. Am I crazy? How do I resent him less?
tl;dr I have taken on the lion’s share of the financial burden and my partner refuses to contribute more to help me physically or financially
Submitted May 26, 2021 at 07:42PM by thrrowwwawwaayy https://ift.tt/3hVJalo
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