Need advice! I (27M) went clubbing with my girlfriend of over a year (27F) for the first time with her and her friends and I am very angry/conflicted about my experience.

Hey Reddit!

Before I jump into my story I’d like to give a little context regarding some ongoing issues I have been having with my relationship. I have been in a serious on-again/off-again relationship with my current girlfriend for about 15 months now. I have broken up with her a couple of times in the past due to us frequently fighting about stupid things, along with a couple main underlying issues that she has promised to work on. The longest we spent broken up was 2 days. We had moved in together at one point after about 7 or 8 months of being together, but we ended up fighting too much so we have each had our own place since. The relationship as a whole has gotten a lot better since that point.

Underlying Issues: 1. Our sex life and general physical intimacy has been extremely lacking and very one-sided. On average we have sex once a month, and I am always the one to initiate it. It’s not that I am only initiating it once a month either, 9 out of 10 times when I do try to initiate it, I am shut down. While this could potentially be normal for some serious relationships at my age, my previous long-term relationship before this one consisted of having sex in addition to other sexual acts 5-6 times a week. So very clearly a big difference from what I am used to and want. The sex is very good when it does happen, but the frequency needs to be increased. Apart from sex, whenever I am hanging out with my girlfriend if I ever want a hug, or a kiss, or any sort of physical affection, I am the one who has to also initiate that. She rarely will randomly give me a kiss just because she wants to. I am a very physical lover and have expressed to her how important this stuff is to me. It makes me feel unwanted.

1. My girlfriend has a very bad habit of getting extremely angry and defensive about everything. I feel like I can’t voice that I am upset about something without her trying to make it about herself and dismiss my feelings. This even happens when I am clearly in the right. She views me voicing that I am upset as a personal attack, gets really angry, tries to make me feel bad for getting upset, and then shuts down and ignores me when I try to talk to her further about it.

The above two issues have been ongoing and present since the start of the relationship. Despite our issues, I love her so much, more than I have loved anyone before, and have been trying to make things work. The last time I took her back I made her promise these were things that could/would change, and she promised me they would. I have seen some progress, but it isn’t changing as fast as I would like it to. I am trying to be patient though.

Alright, now that you have some insight into our pre-existing relationship issues, I’d like to share a terrible experience I had over the weekend and would love any insight/advice anyone can offer. If you think I am way off base, please feel free to say.

As the title says, I went clubbing with my girlfriend and her friends for the first time this weekend. We all went to a bar prior to the gay club opening. I myself do not drink, but my girlfriend does. I assume my girlfriend wanted to go to a gay club over a straight one because most of her friends are either in a relationship or are married and probably doesn’t want to have guys hit on her the whole night.

Anyways, my girlfriend is a dancer by hobby. She has done choreography for multiple events in the past and enjoys going out clubbing with friends. Due to COVID, she hasn’t gone out in a long while. This would be the first main time since it hit the states. I myself have almost no experience clubbing/dancing. I know how to two-step/grind but that’s about it. When my girlfriend invited me, I told her she would have to teach me some stuff when we got there. Once the club finally opened up and we all started dancing, she started to show me some stuff to try for about 20 seconds, then ended up having me hold her purse for her and just started dancing with the friend group. At this point in the night she had a little to drink, and was mildly intoxicated.

A little bit later as the club started getting busy and she got a little more intoxicated, she and another one of her friends wanted to try to hook up the main single person in the group with a group of dancing girls so he could try his luck with them. It was at this point that she now handed me her drink to hold for her so she could venture into the crowd. I held her drink and her purse while still dancing with the remaining people in the friend group. She randomly came back at one point and said two lesbians had asked if she wanted to have a threesome with them. She had turned them down but thought it was funny and told the group. After, she ventured back into the crowd.

About 10-15 minutes had passed and I was curious where she was as she still was not with the group. I told her friends I was going to go to the bathroom upstairs (which I did), but I was mainly trying to find my girlfriend. I ended up finding her dancing with the two friends on the complete opposite side of the club. After I made my way back to where I previously was dancing with the rest of the friend group.

As the night progressed, my girlfriend continued to get more and more drunk. At this point I had asked one of her friends if they knew where she was and they pointed her out in the crowd. Upon me looking, I found my girlfriend dancing EXTREMELY sexually with a lesbian and saw her twerk all over her. We had gone out clubbing once just the two of us early on in the relationship, but I had never once seen her dance like that, especially with me. While seeing this happen and watching her, she randomly pointed over at me a few times here and there. Not to get my attention, but to point me out to someone else.

After about 5 minutes of watching her dance like that, I got really angry and asked if the friend group had room to take her home, as I had driven the two of us and did not want to be in that situation any longer. They told me their car was full, but also said they themselves also wanted to head out. My girlfriend finally noticed me looking at her and guiltily came up to finally to try to dance with me after ditching me the entire night. I told her I was angry and wanted to go home, but she told me that she wanted to dance. I told her something along the lines of “Oh now you want to dance with me? You seem to be twerking on everyone and grinding on everyone but me.” She responded with “Oh you want me to twerk on you?”, then like felt me up over my pants and then went to twerk on me. I was so angry at this point I wasn’t into it or feeling it and just wanted to go home.

I finally got her to start leaving the crowd where she stopped to hug multiple random strangers she had apparently been grinding on during the night. Finally away from the main crowd, I told her that I was angry and upset and wanted to go home. She responded by open hand hitting me on the face really hard, over and over again saying “Why do you want to fight?” in between each hit. I kept asking her to stop hitting me which I led to me eventually grabbing her arms and loudly yelling it making a scene. She finally stopped and wanted me to leave her there alone so she could dance more, even though myself and all of her friends wanted to leave. I finally convinced her to let us head home.

While she was grabbing her credit card from the bar, I vented to her friend some who told me that she is always like this when they go out dancing. She always gets drunk and ditches the group to dance like that with strangers. On the walk to the car I could see that she was really really drunk. She was having issues walking in a straight line on her own.

On the drive home she randomly told me that she had asked multiple girls she was grinding on if they wanted to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend. I had mentioned earlier about her pointing to me from the crowd, this was her showing the girl she was dancing with who her boyfriend was for the sake of the threesome. I had not seen who else she had asked, but this surprised me big time. We had talked about the threesome topic early in the relationship and at the time both agreed that we would not be comfortable doing that. I personally feel like that is harmful for a serious relationship. You can’t love someone and have sex with someone else in my personal opinion.

I asked her why she was asking girls that, and she said she thought I might like it. To my knowledge at this point, my girlfriend was not bi-sexual, she had drunkenly made out with her best friend in college, but other than that I don’t know of any other questionable instances. Seeing the way she was dancing with these girls and learning that she was asking to have sex with them makes me seriously think she is at least a little bit bi-sexual. She is Indian and her cultural upbringing is very much not in support of homosexuality, so there is a good chance she has some deeply suppressed feelings that alcohol brings out.

I 100% have no issues with her being bi-sexual if she is, however the behavior I watched/learned about is no longer innocent in my eyes. I get that “Dancing is Dancing”, but in my mind that only applies when there isn’t sexual attraction in the equation. I feel very angry that she ditched me and didn’t want to dance with me at all. I don’t feel like she cheated on me, however I do feel like she for sure crossed some lines and I feel like she broke a lot of trust I had in her.

I had told her the next morning my recollection of the night and that I was very angry and didn’t want to talk to her for a few days. I told her I needed space to think about us and what I want to do about us. It’s been two days now and I still don’t know what to feel/do. I feel like given the pre-existing ongoing issues we do have, this is probably a sign to end things for good, but I also love her and don’t know if I want a life without her, even if it does mean I am not as happy as I should/could be.

I had told her to think about what is more important to her, us or having nights like that night. She immediately had responded telling me we are more important. I worry that if I do give her some grace and another chance, this will come up again in the future.

What should I do reddit? Do you think my anger is justified? Do you think she could be bi-sexual and the dancing crossed more lines?

TLDR: I went out clubbing with my girlfriend and her friends at a gay club. She got really drunk, ditched me, danced EXTREMELY sexually with lesbians, and then told me later on the drive home that she had asked multiple if they wanted to have a threesome with us. I didn’t think she was bi-sexual before, but now think she might be a little bit. We have pre-existing ongoing relationship issues, and I am conflicted about how to feel/what to do.

EDIT: Split up text a bit for readability.

Submitted May 31, 2021 at 06:45PM by FlappyOrange https://ift.tt/3yUuiK4