Hi there...I’ve tried to deal with this problem internally, since I feel like part of my reaction is based in issues I’ve never confronted before, but I am reaching a point I honestly am having trouble with.
I am in a long term relationship with my fiancée. As a disclaimer, there are a lot of other mental health issues we’ve both had to deal with throughout the years (individual problems). I feel like there’s been a lot of progress from where we started, however...
My fiancée has not worked a full day at work in weeks due to her chronic migraines. What set this off is switching to remote at home work due to covid. At first, it was fine, then her migraines started causing her to call out here and there. She’s been actively going to doctors for this, and has recently got a monthly shot treatment (it’s only been a few days, so that might take up to a month to kick in). She also has some legal medical documentation through work. So she IS attempting to deal with these. I understand it’s hard to lose days to these migraines.
That said...she doesn’t really take care of herself sleep wise or nutrition wise. She suffers from some things that make it difficult to do so, but I feel I’m reaching the end of my rope with regard to empathy. We’re at a point where she has gone from 3-4 days a month to calling out pretty much every day. She’ll occasionally try to work a few hours before doing so at my urging, but sometimes it seems like she just realizes she has a migraine coming and automatically calls out, then spends the day sleeping or playing on the computer. Which I guess is where the problem comes. I originally was super caring and doting. I would bring her food and her favorite treats, make sure she was getting rest and doing this and that. Lately I don’t even feel like bothering. I feel... single at the moment- like I live with a hermit roommate I clean up after and sometimes help with food.
For some financial context, I don’t make enough to support us comfortably. I’ve made that very clear. She’s applied to a few non-telework jobs (a big part of the issue according to her is the headset required for her job). We’ve also talked about how I absolutely don’t want to be in a breadwinner/sole income role in a relationship. Right now the financial impact hasn’t fully hit since we keep finances/expenses separate and there’s been some stimulus checks covering things, but I’m not sure how much longer we have before things get dire for her. Also, she currently is not in danger of losing her job. I’ve made sure that she keeps her boss informed, and they’ve talked about it. Right now, her boss accepts that she is trying a new treatment.
I just...I am struggling. I’m not attracted right now...at all. For me attraction is a very mental and emotional exercise and I’m just not feeling it. I’m too anxious about the future. I’m not seeing a proportionate effort. Or maybe I have the wrong idea what effort means for someone with a chronic illness. After all, I don’t know the pain of migraines. I’m just seeing a life where everyday she’s on the computer and I’m trying to get my excitement at the grocery store. The migraines sometimes take weekend days too, she’ll stay up until 2 am on her phone and then sleep until 12 or beyond. Worst was 3 pm. I feel so bad comparing myself to how I feel I should be - caring and helping her when she’s sick, because it’s everyday. Every time she hints about a wedding I just laugh it off because that’s no where near the top of my priorities right now. Who would pay for it? Then I start to doubt myself. I’ve always said our society puts too much value on work and labor, and I’ve always thought if it happened that my SO was disabled or came down with severe illness or was unemployed we’d weather it, but I’m just feeling so burnt out. It was so much easier to say that when we weren’t knee deep in this situation. I’m scared of marriage right now because doesn’t that mean I should be more determined to support my partner through things like this?
Does anyone have advice, possibly someone who has gone through a similar situation?
TLDR: fiancée has been out of work due to chronic migraines. Having trouble staying indefinitely supportive and looking for advice.
Submitted May 27, 2021 at 05:08PM by Dishragthrow https://ift.tt/2RS1i5a
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