I [35f] have become the "responsible party" for my Dad [77m] with dementia. My husband [35m] gets irrationally mad that I am responsible for my Dad and says I'm putting my Dad before him. Am I?

I would really appreciate any input or of someone has been through something similar.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We don't exactly have the healthiest of relationships, we are very, very codependent.

The past 6 months have been a whirl wind. My Dad was put in a nursing home by his wife with little discussion to me about it. She subsequently passed away about a month after she put him in the facility. I have no other family, no siblings, so I was obviously the only person to handle his affairs.

My father had nothing, no advanced directives, power of attorney, money, medicaid, not even an ID. So, I started to have to navigate what comes along with finding proper care for someone with dementia that has very little income. I also had to navigate this from a couple hundred miles away all while running a small business that I own. It has been immensely stressful because my father went through instances where he would be incredibly depressed, confused, and suicidal.

Right from the beginning, my husband was blowing hot and cold with me. One minute he'd be supportive and literally a shoulder to cry on, and the next he'd be yelling at me that I'm doing too much for my father. I honestly felt I wasn't doing ENOUGH.

A few months ago, I discharged my Dad from the facility and drove him to the city I live to have him closer. His new facility is about 45 minutes away. This enraged my husband. Some of the things he said made me honestly question how I could be with such a self centered, unsympathetic person. He's asked me not to talk about my Dad around him, tells me my parents (mom was dying of cancer for 3 years and passed 1.5 yrs ago) have ruined our lives, that I am picking my Dad over him, and I'm crazy.

But then he goes with me EVERYTIME I visit my Dad at the facility without me asking him to come. He treats my Dad so nice and jokes with him a lot. My Dad really loves my husband and tells him so. I've also been touring assisted living facilities for my Dad and my husband comes with me and is very involved when it comes to asking questions to the administrators. The hot and cold, supportive and then wildly unsupportive is incredibly confusing to me. It messes with my emotions and adds unwanted stress to an already stressful situation.

I understand how I am probably not the ideal wife right now. I've been doing a lot to get my Dad's life in order and it's taking a toll on me. I've been to lawyers, I'm endlessly on the phone trying to figure out medicaid, insurance, social security, I sold my Dad's house myself (by owner), fought with the facilities over money and care, and been trying to untangle his life that he obviously didn't care much about all while having to deal with my father who has dementia. I talk to him on the phone usually twice a day. He has ups and downs, it is mentally draining. I hate to say it, but I definitely wish this didn't happen to me and I would like nothing more than to not have to deal with this. Yes, my life has become consumed with trying to settle my father into a new life.

Sometimes I think my husband and I should just separate, but then am I really choosing my father over him? I don't see it that way. I see it as I'm apparently "ruining" another person's life with the hand that I was dealt and I don't want to put another person through that. Also, my husband showed me a side of him I really don't like. It makes me scared to think this is the person who may be responsible for me if I got sick or injured to a point of needing care...I wouldn't want to "ruin" his life.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I've been to therapy and it just didn't do anything for me. I talk with support groups for people who have loved ones with dementia and my situation is a lot different than others. I just feel very alone and have no one. Thanks for reading.

Tl;dr: Husband thinks my father with dementia is ruining our lives because I am involved in his care.

Submitted May 29, 2021 at 09:23AM by scorpio_siren https://ift.tt/3clwy3J