I (50F) want to break up with my mentally ill poly girlfriend (TF34) but not sure it's the right thing to do.

I am in a poly triad where I live with my GF along with my 33-year-old BF. We have other relationships outside of our triad. We've been together about 2.5 years.

BF and I want to break up with our trans girlfriend and move into a place of our own when our lease is up in August. He is definitely done, but I keep going back and forth on it. I want out of the stress and chaos, but I am not sure leaving her is the right thing to do because she has grown so dependent on me, and I feel I am at least partially responsible for creating thid dynamic.

Here are some details of this complicated mess:

GF has anxiety, depression, has been diagnosed ADHD (possibly misdiagnosed), is possibly autistic, and who knows what else. Based on input from my therapist, we suspect she actually may have a personality disorder. Her treatment has been spotty, mostly due to some insurance issues (more to come on that) and executive function/focusing issues (she claims). Last year, we took her to the ER for suicidal ideation, but they considered her "too functional" to admit her to inpatient.

GF also has a chronic GI condition. She missed regular treatments for a few months because she is horrible at managing money and missed insurance payments. (She was a contract worker who bought insurance on the state exchange). Possibly because of the missed treatments, her condition flared up and is causing her pain.

Early in the pandemic, she lost her job and has not worked for 10 months. Her pandemic unemployment (which expires in September) just covers her share of rent and utilities; I pay for her food, personal-care items, clothes, phone, and other necessities. Her car is not insured so she borrows my car when needed. Because she is unemployed, she's now on Medicaid.

She is not managing her physical and mental health well. The main issue is she often forgets to take her medications or runs out before realizing her meds are low. Then she often drags her feet on calling in refills or getting doctor authorizations. Me or our other partner have to pick up the medication because she is in too much pain to drive. Sometimes, she just decides to go off medications for the short term until she feels up to getting refills (which results in increased pain or mental instability).

She also is bad at making needed medical or mental-health appointments. I have to remind her multiple times to do so. She has social anxiety on the phone so I often have to dial for her then sit next to her for the call. She blames all this on chronic pain and ADHD and constantly tells us she is doing the absolute best she can, and we don't know how tough it is to be disabled. I believe if she is struggling so much, she should begin the process of going on disability (I know it's rough, but her mental-health team could advocate for her). Or at least, she could accept help that is offered. When she did the intake, her mental health center asked if she needed a personal care assistant for remembering appointments and medications, and she said no.

I am a full-time student putting myself through a master's program with the money I made selling my house after my late husband died five years ago. Right now I am about $20,000 short of where I hoped to be at this point to get through my program. My GF is a software engineer with high income potential, but even before she lost her job, she would overspend and have to ask me for cash advances to pay her bills. I also loaned her $8,000 for some computer equipment she said she needed to work from home and never expect to see that money again. (She never got the servers working properly, so they just take up space.) She applied for other jobs in her field for awhile but her use of medical marijuana to treat her pain makes her ineligible for any job that does drug testing. Medical and recreational weed is legal in our state but many jobs still screen for it. Lately she has been saying she can't work a traditional job because of her health issues and wants to make money online. She's talked about creating a social network and doing various forms of e-commerce but has not focused long enough on any one thing to get anywhere. (But I have paid for a website, fees to create an LLC, and supplies for making stuff to sell online.)

Besides my financial worries, my physical and mental health is suffering. When we fight, she has a way of making our issues all about me. She's trying hard and doing her best, and I don't have enough patience with her. I offered to help her; why don't I follow through? Or, I don't communicate correctly; I hurt her feelings with my criticisms or I trigger her depression or anxiety. Life with her is constantly chaotic; it's hard for me to take care of myself when she has constant depressive episodes and meltdowns, and I have to put her back together. Often, these center on other romantic interests. She falls in love super quickly and is devastated when relationships even of just a few months don't work out. Because I am home all day with her, most of the emotional burden falls to me.

I want to leave but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I feel I am partially if not primarily responsible for our dynamic. I am a people pleaser who has a hard time saying no and who gives of myself more than I should sometimes. I also find it hard to set boundaries or to advocate for my own needs. My GF has a way of pushing against any boundaries I try to set until I get so tired that I cave. (Example: When I ask for quiet time to focus on school, she will constantly check in with me. "How long do you need? Are you almost done? Can we have a conversation? I need to talk to you. I miss you.")

I also don't know what she will do if we break up with her right now, if she really is as helpless as she claims. She has no money outside of unemployment and rents are high in our city. She has a couple of other partners, but is it fair for them to take on this burden? Going back to her family would be problematic, as many of her mental health issues arise from her upbringing. I am afraid of her becoming homeless; since she is transgender, that would be even more dangerous than usual.

I also dread the epic meltdown that will happen if we try to leave. We are stuck living together until mid-August when our lease expires, and I know she'll use that time to persuade me in particular to change my mind. Seeing her cry hurts me so much, and knowing I caused that pain will be even worse.

TBH, I am in a much better place to figure out how to make things work than she is. If I got a full-time job in addition to going to school, we might just be able to make it until I can start my new career. I would lose my BF as he's ready to get out ASAP. But I fear I have made her dependent on me, so I could argue it's my moral responsibility to care for her.

TLDR: Want to leave my GF, who is not managing her physical and mental health issues well and has become financially and emotionally dependent on me. But I feel as though leaving a person so vulnerable isn't morally right.

Submitted May 29, 2021 at 08:21PM by Godless_Bitch https://ift.tt/3i01gTz