TL;DR: my BF is deeply unhappy with our sex life. In an effort to work it through, I’m left ‘knowing too much’ and NOT knowing what to do.
My BF (36M) and I (36F) have different sex drives: he’d like sex at least daily, I would be quite happy with 2-5 times a week. He’s an energetic guy and always ‘ready to go’, I can be put off easily by stress, anxiety, tiredness etc. BF has brought up our differences a number of times before and we nearly broke up over it a couple of years ago.
Recently, he wanted to talk about our sex life again. In the past, I’ve felt wounded and gotten defensive; this time, I tried to be patient and listen. Paraphrased:
Me: What about it are you unhappy with?
BF: Everything.
Me: What can we do to improve it?
BF: There are some things that are in your control, like doing [minor, easy thing], and some that aren’t. I know your drive isn’t as high as mine and I don’t think anything can be done about that.
Me: Ok, so apart from [minor, easy thing], you don’t have any other ideas?
BF: No.
Me: But you wanted to tell me you’re unhappy with our sex life?
BF: Yes, I thought it was important that I be upfront and honest with you. Forget I brought it up, I love you and I’ll deal with it myself.
I mulled over this for a few days and decided it wasn’t good enough, that we should work it out together. So I asked him to really think this time. He said our sex is boring and predictable, which is true. And then it got kind of… weird. He emphasised that in large part, his unhappiness was due to things outside of my control. Concerned this had implications for our relationship, I pressed on. BIG MISTAKE. After a few more exchanges, he revealed that he found himself hung up on a past casual partner with whom he’d had the best sexual chemistry and satisfaction of his life. As a result he finds himself intensely attracted to women who look like her - almost like a fetish. She’s white and blonde, while the rest of his partners have been brunette and not white or mixed heritage, including myself. On top of that, from what I gathered this woman was very confident, carefree and horny (and I mean, good for her). I grew up in a conservative household and am a shy, risk-averse, modest person. We’re apples and oranges.
Now - I don’t judge preferences, kinks or fetishes and I don’t have issue with the face of what BF told me. But it is apparent to me that his situation really bothers him. ‘Maybe you’ve had better sexual chemistry with one of your past partners, but for whatever reason it didn’t work out,’ he said, ‘and you’re able to move on for the sake of your new relationship, even if the sex isn’t as good. Something is wrong with me, I must be sick in the head, because I can’t stop thinking about it.’
I really wish I didn’t know all of this but that ship has sailed and I don’t know what to do now, how to unpack and digest this. I’ve been COMPLETELY put off being intimate with my partner even when I do want to have sex; it’s hard to get past ‘I’m not as attracted to you, I like white women’ to a more constructive place. Where do I go from here??
Submitted March 25, 2021 at 09:47PM by LongTalksOnThePeach https://ift.tt/2PsKTm7
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