My partner and I have been dating for over 1 year. We are both Christian and take our faith seriously. For the first 6 months, things were so wonderful. He always builds me up and says there is no one like me, there is no one as unique, as loving, as sacrificial, etc. He seems absolutely perfect. Lately, I feel uneasy and wonder if I am the one who is being too sensitive.
Around 5-6 months or so, he asked me how hard it would be to give up drinking alcohol. This seemed out of the blue with no other context, so I said it is something I enjoy (responsibly and in moderation - I have a glass of one, only one at a time, at a special event or at a date night or with my family. At this point, I was doing this maybe a few times a month. I do not ever get drunk). After I said that, I remember he said that really pissed him off.
There were a few occasions in which he also had a drink with me, so I figured there was no problem. We also met on a dating app in which I did note that I do sometimes drink, so he knew this before hand as well.
Eventually we talked more, and he just said this is a conviction God placed on his heart and he would like a partner in that. He doesn't think it is wrong or sinful but he does not like it. He mentioned his extended family had issues with alcohol (he said his great grandfather drank a lot, and his cousins were in rehab although he did not grow up around them) and he knew people who died from it. I had asked what exactly happened, but I never got a clear story. He said he could tell me, but doesn't get why that's relevant.
He said his friends said to him that maybe we should break up because of this and that it didn't seem there was sacrificial love on my part. He also asked if compromise was an issue in my past relationships because it seems I am scared of compromise. He said he could have walked away when he saw things that were concerning but wanted to bring them up with me instead because he cares for me.
I was just at his place a few weeks ago for a Friendsgiving, in which his best friend, whom he said would likely be his best man one day, brought two bottles of wine. I thought this was a bit odd considering that is his best friend. He said that it would be fine of me to have one drink in that situation because it was more of a "one-off" circumstance and not "normalized."
He began to say he felt this was concerning as it seemed that I had a social dependency on alcohol. I mentioned that I would compromise in that we would not keep alcohol in a shared home together, I would not drink around him, and we could discuss a dry wedding.
After this, he mentioned that one drink 1x per month was pushing it for him in regards to too much frequency. On average, I will have one or two glasses of wine per month or sometimes none for several months, it really just depends. He says the whole situation gives him pause to want to get married.
Recently, it was my birthday, and I was celebrating with my friends and family so it was a unique week. Over the week, I had a few glasses of wine (all one at a time, throughout the week, 2-3 times). I mentioned this to him but forgot to mention the third, in which he said he felt lied to, like he was kept out of the loop, and that it seemed I was hiding something. He also then asked me when was the last time I had a drink prior to that week, even though he said he doesn't want me to feel like I give 'progress reports.' He also said that he feels like he can't bring up these feelings to me because I will get upset.
A few other things that have happened:
- He had said at one point that he has found something wrong with other girls he has dated
- He said it seems I am sensitive to feeling controlled and he told me he wants to be sensitive to that. I asked him if he could just directly tell me what he wants in regards to the alcohol topic but he says no because he knows I am sensitive to feeling controlled and thinks I will take it the wrong way.
- Early in our dating, he told me he would ride motorcycles and he asked how I felt about them. I said I don't want to ride them, but that was it. He then stopped riding them and said it wasn't worth it if I was uncomfortable. But I never asked him to do this.
- I asked him what his biggest insecurities are and one of them he said was he wishes other people didn't feel the need to compete with him. He said because he is tall, well-off, with a good job, he feels people need to compete with him and he wishes they wouldn't do that.
- We are in a Bible Study together. He said he gets uncomfortable sometimes when I have 1 drink with them because they tend to drink a lot and this makes him concerned (even though that is not me). He says he trusts me, but the situation makes him concerned.
- He went through my social media earlier in our relationship and mentioned to me he saw some cuss words (nothing personally offensive to any one person) from awhile back prior to my walk in Christ, and said he knew this wasn't really me and didn't want his parents or friends to see this and think differently of me. He never directly asked me, but I went through and deleted all these old posts.
- I was once wearing a skirt and we were walking around downtown. He mentioned he thought I looked really good, and he jokingly put his hands in front of my legs saying something along the lines of, 'If I am looking at you that way, I imagine other guys are too...dibs!'
- I had mentioned to him that my parents are a little concerned because it seems there are some possible controlling tendencies in our relationship. He mentioned that is why he gets concerned about living near too much family, because there is too much influence and we can't make our own decisions, although he told me before he would never make me move.
- We took a break in our relationship because I was getting really anxious about some of our discussions just surrounding alcohol because they would get so emotional (sometimes it felt as if I had cheated on him) and these other topics. He felt really confused and hurt that I took the break. When we spoke again he would apologize for making me feel the way I felt. He said he needs someone who is emotionally stable to be able to have these conversations and someone who will not run to their parents (I stayed with my parents during the break because I was really upset).
- I told him that I personally believe that I can have a glass of wine with friends or family in a safe environment and that be God-honoring. He said, "So you feel closer to God when you drink?" That is not what I meant, and this really hurt. He also told me that he spoke to an old mentor of his who told him to be wary of advocating for such vices. I feel a lot of shame surrounding it. I also feel like a bad Christian and that I am not loving him well.
- I tried to stick up for myself one time and said I will compromise with you but I would like to be able to have 1 glass of wine sometimes (per month) with my mom or friends and he said "You're drawing a line in the sand on this?? What else are you going to draw a line in the sand on when we're married and can't easily leave?"
- I asked if he just wanted to see other people and he said no because he would compare them to me. He said why would he date a clone when he has the real thing. I don't know what this meant.
- I asked why this issue didn't immediately come up when we first were dating or why he pursued me if this was a preference for him, and he said that he was figuring out the role that alcohol played in my life. This seemed hurtful as well (maybe I am just sensitive?) because it really does not play any big role.
- I found on his Instagram that he was following close to 30+ pornstar/swim suit models and I asked him about it. He acted super nervous and said he had no idea how those were there, that he never followed them. He said his friends must have logged into his phone and done that. I genuinely wasn't mad, I just thought it was odd, considering he says he doesn't watch porn and he seemed to be picking at me for vices. I asked him later on if he asked his friends about it, but he said he didn't and brushed it off. He said he would never lie to me and he would get to the bottom of it if it meant that much to me.
- He said he doesn't want to 'quit' on me or leave me behind.
Sorry for so much. I am an empath and want to be as loving as I can. I worry I won't find someone like him again who is passionate about his faith. I love him so much and he does treat me well aside from all of this. I just feel really lost.
TL;DR my partner may have controlling tendencies. what should i do?
Submitted January 04, 2021 at 08:49AM by No_Composer2893 https://ift.tt/3b5p70F
No comments:
Post a Comment