I(18f) can't look my grandfather (84m) in the eye and am in danger of losing the opportunity to rectify that soon

If this is the wrong sub I will go wherever the appropriate place is, but I want advice.

My grandfather's health has been deteriorating for the past few years, and I've known that but... Not that it was THIS bad. I've always had a good relationship with that side of the family, and I love my grandparents very much.

We visited for father's day this year, all with tables distanced from each other and if we were on close quarters we threw on masks. Even then, no one but members of that household went anywhere near my grandfather.

I stayed at my family's table, at the far end of the area we were in. My grandfather is bone thin now, his skin is sickly, he shakes when he moves, his voice is weak and raspy, he has tubes coming out of him because he has lung issues and he can't move around or do things for himself anymore. And it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.

I don't resent my grandfather in any way, but I do have a very profound fear of death and have never had anything but a small pet die in my life. My exposure to the topic is limited because it makes me so scared I feel like throwing up and physically convulse at the topic. So seeing my grandfather obviously so close just broke my heart every time I looked in his general direction. I feel so awful, I barely said a word to him.

When my bf (20m) tried to encourage me to talk to my grandfather, I broke down and had to desperately hold in sobs as I hid in his jacket to avoid my family noticing I was crying (though I think my aunt noticed). I didn't calm down enough keep a straight face and look up from my bfs jacket until we were getting ready to leave.

I'm terrified and so, so sad being anywhere near my grandfather, but I know if I don't calm the f down and actually interact with him I will hate myself for the rest of my life because the last few times I saw him he probably thought I hated him and I never said goodbye. I don't want to see him like that, it destroys me, but I don't want that to be the way I left things the last time I saw him.

Please, I need advice.

Tldr: My grandfather is reaching the end of his life and I'm so destroyed by his condition I can't even look in his direction. I don't want to be so afraid that I don't get to say goodbye.

Submitted June 21, 2020 at 08:23PM by HollyJollyHufflepuff https://ift.tt/3hRYflu