I fucked up my life by not accepting I was gay before getting married and having kids, but I can keep my family happy by suppressing my sexuality until the day I die.

I always knew I was gay. Deep down I always knew. I wasn’t fooling myself. I don’t even know why I stayed closeted. My parents would’ve accepted me. Yeah my friends made gay jokes every now and then, but that’s cause they didn’t know anyone was gay around them. They would’ve accepted me. But no. I couldn’t accept it.

I met a girl in college. She didn’t care about sex. It was like a closeted gay man’s ideal situation. But I grew to really care about her. I loved her. I figured I loved her enough to live a lie for her. We got married right out of college at 22. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night, and we did once on the honeymoon for the sole purpose of getting pregnant. I thought of men the entire time. We had a kid, we did it again a year later. 5 years, 2 kids into our marriage, the conception sex was the only 2 times we ever had sex. Yes it only took one try both times, I guess I’m quite fertile.

Honestly, life was great. I was married to my best friend, I didn’t have to force straight sex, I had two beautiful daughters, a dog, house with a white picket fence. The dream. I loved my life. And other than the occasional internet deep dive into gay porn, I never even thought of being gay and the lie I was living. It didn’t feel like a lie.

Then I fucked up. 2 years ago our neighbors moved and rented their house out to these newly weds, the same age as my wife and me (27). Turns out the husband was into men, he hit on me, i tried to ignore it but a month later we were having an affair. I opened Pandora’s Box. I knew what really satisfying sex felt like now, and I couldn’t stop. We kept it going, our wives had no idea. We faked a friendship, we were bro’s. We were actually lovers. We grew really close. I got to the point where I would feel giddy like a school girl when he’d text me. I wanted to be with him. I was falling for him. And he was falling for me cause he told me the next time we met up. He told his wife he was gay and was leaving her for another man, but didn’t say it was me. He wanted me to leave my wife for him. I was gonna do it. I loved him. I had grown distant from my wife during this affair, and I was almost ready to tel her, but kept pushing it off.

One night my wife decided to try and have sex, so I went with it, and a minute later she starts sobbing. She starts apologizing about how she never wants to have sex, and it’s unfair to me to withhold me from sex. She went on to tell me about abuse she suffered as a kid and how it is the reason she didn’t wanna have sex. And she loved how I never complained about it and I was her whole world and no other guy would ever put up with it. I was heart broken. I hated myself. I saw this woman, my best friend, at her lowest, and in my head I was already with another person. At that moment, I fell out of love with the guy. I broke it off the next day. I couldn’t hurt my wife anymore. I couldn’t hurt my family. He actually understood and let it be. They eventually split and moved out of the house next door.

I feel like I owe it to my family and wife to suppress my sexuality, and just be there for them until the day I die. I can never hurt her the way I was willing to before, I can’t do that. But can I be certain I won’t have another affair? I dont know. I hate myself.

TLDR: knew i was gay. Married a girl anyway. Had kids with her. Thought I could live the lie, until I met a guy and had an affair. Was ready to leave my wife and come out as gay, when she opened up to me about something that made me change my mind and want to stay with her. I owe it to my family. And I hate myself.

Submitted June 21, 2020 at 09:17PM by ThrowAwayGayHubby https://ift.tt/3ezjkPy