So within the last two months I met a girl who I instantly clicked with. We have a lot of the same interests and hobbies and sense of humor and although I’ve known her for such a short time, we know almost everything about each other’s lives and struggles and really enjoy each other’s company.
My friend is married and is a stay at home wife (not mom). Her husband works 6 days a week for pretty long shifts and is generally too tired to clean the house the one day he is off. They both struggle with depression and anxiety, which I totally understand and have been through before.
Something that does bother me about her is my perception that she lacks taking responsibility for her own life. She’s mentioned that she relies too heavily upon her partner to take care of her (not just financially, but emotionally, etc.) from a few stories she’s mentioned about her past (that I can’t bring myself to mention on the internet because they’re not my stories) show the same pattern of behavior. She was abused as a child so I really do understand why she does this and it makes total sense to me and I don’t judge her too harshly.
I also really value her friendship and I want to be there for her. But this morning she texted me telling me that she needs my help and is in crisis mode. She feels overwhelmed by her messy house (which is truly dirty. Trash on the floor, projects strewn about the room. There is hardly any walking space and unwashed dishes take over the kitchen) and I don’t judge her for that because I went through a period in my life where I was depressed and found cleaning unbearable. But she’s been in therapy for years and takes medication and has told me she’s in a relatively good place so a part of me really believes this to just be laziness (because she doesn’t work and generally stays in the house a lot, so has plenty of time to do it). Which again, I don’t judge because I can be lazy too.
I have helped friends clean their houses before, but this situation feels uncomfortable to me. Because I care for her and I know her history and her current situation and her own thoughts about herself, I feel like me helping her with this would be another example of her not taking responsibility of her own life when she is perfectly capable of cleaning her own house, among other things. It is dirty, but if it was worked on all day, could be finished in a day or two. I don’t want to enable the behavior she has of relying on people to do everything for her, especially because she has conveyed to me that she wants to be better about that. I also feel like it’s crossing a boundary with me and in our friendship which is relatively new still. When I was depressed and didn’t clean my house I would never ask someone to help me with it (and maybe that wasn’t healthy but I just felt like that was my own responsibility and I wouldn’t ask my friends to do that. I also tend to be a bit more southern hospitality rules than some so it could just be my own issue)
Does anyone have advice on how to tell her I’m uncomfortable cleaning her house while also being respectful of her depression/situation while also keeping our friendship in tact? I want to be there for her, but I just don’t think this is the right way to be there for her, for myself or for her.
tl;dr : relatively new friend whose friendship I value asked me for help cleaning her house. I feel uncomfortable because I feel like helping her in this is enabling some behavior issues she has expressed she dislikes, since the relationship is so new and because of my own personal ideas about friendship/hospitality
Submitted March 05, 2020 at 06:36AM by BennyAndThe_Jet https://ift.tt/2Tp7wHI
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