Tonight's my SO's Xmas work dinner, he works for a relatively conservative bank in a small town, for background sake -he is a white M, I am a black F. Last night I received a text from him saying "I hate to say something about this, but tomorrow is going to be a bunch of conservative ass white people at the dinner. Don't go vampire hooker attire."
I was taken aback to say the least. I don't routinely dress provocatively and certainly not at a work function (in December), so I didn't really understand the need for such a crude remark. So I popped off, my main points being:
- He's never voiced any preference about my attire unless I demanded one -he regularly asserts he "doesn't care."
- I've been his date to numerous work and social occasions -I know how to dress conservatively.
- Between the two of us -I am the better dresser. I have literally felt embarrassed being in public with him because of how little he cares.
- I think his statements are a greater reflection of his own anxieties than the dress code.
There were hours of back and forth, mostly my outrage at what his statement implied. Among the few cogent defenses were that he didn't want me to "misunderstand what kind of event this was going to be" or "overdress and embarrass [myself]," -otherwise he did a lot of backpedaling and telling me I'm overreacting.
I can't help but feel offended, I'm a confident person, I don't believe I'm responding to deep-seated fear I look like a "vampire hooker." I understand that who you date is a reflection of you, so I've always tried to put my best foot (or outfit) forward when I'm anyone's date. I haven't had a bad experience meeting any co-worker, relative, or friend of his.
The only thing unique about this is that he has expressed this is a WASP-y, racially homogeneous group that he -an educated white liberal male feels uncomfortable around. This isn't my first gig as the "token black" date but it's his first time introducing a black SO to a crowd whose reception he's concerned about. When I brought that up, he said he'd already "come to terms with whatever ignorant bullshit might come out of [his] coworkers mouths" -which to me, validates he's had anxiety over bringing his black girlfriend to dinner.
He said it was "low" of me to suggest such a scenario -one wherein he tries to tailor his black girlfriend's appearance to be more acceptable because of the preconceived tension her very presence could create.
I disagree.
At this point, I'm uncertain whether I should go to this dinner because whereas I felt no concern or anxiety about the affair, that's changed after tonight's conversation. I also question the integrity of the relationship because I've been in a number of interracial relationships but never one where I've been advised how to behave before an introduction -based on the perceived prejudices of a crowd my partner mostly loathes.
Am I overreacting?
TL;DR: boyfriend told me not to dress like a "vampire hooker" when I meet his conservative white co-workers.
Submitted December 02, 2019 at 03:47AM by Hair_Harlot https://ift.tt/34HaUku
No comments:
Post a Comment