TD:LR: I cant control my anger around my family due to the fucked up stuff that happened when I was a kid, so I jumped on a plane and Noped the eff out. Now my family is hurt.
I [28F] have a mum [65F] and an older sister [32F]. I hadn't originally wanted to fly to see them this holiday, but Mum had extra plane tickets from when she accidentally double booked a business trip, so she offered them and I had no good reason to say no.
I flew down 48 hours ago genuinely looking forward to seeing them and missing them.
Some backstory: our family when we were children was dysfunctional as fuck. Mum was a wrathful alcoholic and she made my sister be the responsible adult for me and my sister would hurt and be wrathful to me as the youngest. It was fucked. Nightmare stuff. I was suicidal as a child and ran away a number of times but always was brought back as I didn't have any money. Dad was not in the picture since I was 1 year old.
Today in 2019, my sister still refuses to talk about or acknowledge those difficult times. Every time I try she deflects, plays down or changes subject. Or just shuts down. My mum feels super guilty and deals with her guilt by being wrathful back at me. So we sort of get along as long as we dont talk about those times.
But after I arrived, things quickly depreciated as they do every time. I dont know how to put it into words. I just gradually felt more and more angry and they felt gradually more and more angry and it just felt like a train I couldn't stop. Finally it ended with me storming out of the museum we were looking at and I booked a flight home. When I messaged my sister to tell her I was going home. I said I cannot have a close relationship with her and Mum because they refuse to acknowledge the abuse that occured in our home. I did also say I loved her and Mum.
She called me an arsehole. She said everyone walks on eggshells around me and that it wasn't their fault I am triggered and that I act like we are still the same as when I was 12. She called me dramatic. She believes it wasn't as bad as I make it out to be and that she is fine, so I should be fine too. She said I am the abusive one for being angry at them and running away. But I cannot control how upset I get around them. I left because it was horrible. I felt horrible. I hate being this way but I am so traumatized and retraumatized. I know my behaviour is bad but I cannot seem to reign it in.
I do not think my sister is actually fine, btw. I think she copes some other way. I get so frustrated because I feel gaslit.
The flight home cost me 400 dollars. If I did not have a good job and savings, I would have been forced to stay, just like it was when I was a child. But I do have these things so I was able to leave. And it has hurt them both. So the change in power has changed the way these fights work. Im not the defenceless youngest child anymore. I didn't want to stay and keep fighting and feeling out of control around them. So I left and it hurt them.
What advice do people have?
Submitted December 28, 2019 at 09:16PM by bannedchildhood https://ift.tt/2ZvZn5A
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