Hey reddit, I (26 F) guess I'm just kind of at a loss and I'm not sure how/where to even start to move forward.... if you look back at some post history, you will see back in March I found out my husband (27M) (we have been together almost 7 years combined married/dating) was cheating for about a 4 year period... obviously finding that out was devastating - he has always held himself pretty high (I'll admit he has always had a bit of an ego, but do did I when I met him so it was kind of a turn on back then), but over the years of our relationship, he has always put me down and himself first. Example: for the first two(ish) years he would typically go out with his buddies 2-3/week and I mean heavily drinking, while leaving mebat home with our eldest -- when I had brought up how I felt (because I felt I was staying home all the time and the time him and I were spending together, was him while hungover and doesn't want to do anything). If I brought anything up to him about it, he would immediately get defensive explaining how he needed space and wanted to see his buddies. I was the first woman he had ever lived with/been on his own with so I tried to give him his space.
Most of these nights, he wouldn't even come home and we lived about 10-15 minute walk from downtown at the time.
The last 4 years, he has not bothered with any type of gift for anything - I realize this sounds selfish, but just try and understand: he hasn't given me anything for mothers day OR my birthday (which are two weeks apart) in that time. Not even a card. He thinks cards are pointless and if we have any type of arguement anywhere near those dates (and somehow we always do) he withholds these and doesn't try to make it up to me after. That's a long time to go without being given anything during that time -- his excuse for mother's day is that he wants to spend time with HIS mom (which we do every year) and despite me being the mother to his 3 girls, he doesn't give me any acknowledgement on that day.
It has been almost 7 years of me purchasing my own gifts for the tree/stocking (which, christmas I do mainly for my kids anyways so it's not that big of a deal, but just another chance to show me he cares and he refuses).
Anyways, fast forward to finding out he was cheating was hard. But he claimed to have a SA. Which okay, yes, with how he was going about doing things and how consuming it was, yes, I can see maybe it was an addiction -- and because we have 3 kids together I decided to stay and try to work through it. He said he would put in effort. This is his effort:
He did SA for 5 weeks (once/week) but refused to get a sponsor, did not do any of the steps, and stopped going. He refuses to do any solo counseling or marriage counseling (saying he deals with things internally and will deal with it on his own). I asked us to switch gyms (as that was a place he was looking for/talking to women) and he is refusing to stop going to the gym/change gyms so I could be more comfortable working out.
There's just a lot that has been going on. For the kids, I have just been radiating positivity out to keep the holidays happy (even though all our family events) but he is even telling his family that we are doing "so much better now" when he is literally putting in no effort whatsoever.
Oh, and he doesn't help with the house at all ever, or our 5 month old. I've never made him wake up at night to help. Wtf is wrong with me? I have so much to give to someone -- I want it to be him.... but how do I move forward with someone who doesn't want to change and thinks they're doing nothing wrong?
TL;DR husband cheated for years and always put himself first while withholding everything from me; claimed a SA but doesn't want to take the steps or do counseling
Submitted December 28, 2019 at 06:23AM by saambee252 https://ift.tt/35a72YM
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