Link to Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/d5v276/he_46m_had_an_online_affair_i_40f_cant_find_a_way/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Also posted on r/surviving infidelity
It has been more than 3 months since D-Day. We have gone through ups and downs, and after a very long and exhausting voyage on an emotional rollercoaster the fog is finally clearing. This doesn't mean I don't fall again into the dark internet pit that is googling her name and finding her YouTube channel filled with music I have shown him, butt workouts, and motivational videos explaining how to keep someone interested with minimal effort. She is a psychotherapist, go figure.
Supposedly he cut all contact with her before I found out. Also supposedly the affair was only via text and nothing happened when they met for an hour in a hotel.
Also supposedly I am to blame, because I had been feeling distanced and went to him with my questions and doubts (instead of cheating, something I would never do), so he felt lost and he cheated.
In the time that has passed I have come closer to seeing him more clearly. I still fall into my codependent tendencies, but since the betrayal, all respect and admiration I felt for him, vanished. I feel nothing for him phisically. I don't want to stand near him.
We are sleeping in separate rooms. Our eldest noticed a couple of days ago we are not wearing our rings. My husband asked me a couple of days ago if I would like to take a bath with him. How out of the loop/out of his mind can he be?
I have to defend my PhD candidacy soon, I haven't been able to put two hours of work into it. We are supposedly not deciding anything before that date. But I know now, I have decided already. And I need to hold myself accountable for my decision, because I dread it becoming official and having to tell our kids, having to deal with all the consequences of his actions.
I feel like I despise him sometimes. How could he do this to our family? A week ago he had the nerve to tell me I need to stop blaming others people for what happens to me.
I know a lot of the blame is mine because I should have been consistent the first time I left him. I am dreading the new year celebration tomorrow. I am dreading financial problems. I am dreading telling his family.
But I feel a bit more like myself again. Like I am reconnecting with who I was before these 15 years. I need to be able to be happy, to sing and laugh loudly, to run, to giggle. To walk away. I owe myself so much.
I wish everyone a great new year. I have reread the words of encouragement I received here months ago and I am so thankful for them.
The sorrow is temporary. It has to be.
Tdlr: he cheated. After 3,5 months I am finding clarity, and I am also finding myself in the process. And I am thankful for this space to write and vent.
Obligatory: on mobile. English is not my first language.
Submitted December 30, 2019 at 06:00PM by woman_lost_ https://ift.tt/2QLuJBx
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