I[25 F] got a job offer across the country and my boyfriend [25 M] of five years does not want to move unless he has a job

throwaway for obvious reasons.

I graduated from grad school in a very specialized field about 7 months ago and have been at my current job since I graduated. About 6 weeks ago I decided to apply for the same job I do now but in a city across the country. I have been interested in moving to this city for a few years but never had the money and was unable to since I was in school. To my surprise, I got the job and am so excited!! It is a salary increase, but the cost of living in this new city is higher so it’s not a HUGE increase, but enough to supplement the cost of living.

However, this entire experience has been somewhat dampened by differences between my long-term boyfriend and I. We have lived together for the past 1.5 years and it has really enhanced our relationship and we have discussed getting engaged in the near future. Before applying to the job I discussed it with my boyfriend who has shown interest in moving to this city as well, but has been clear that he wants to make sure he has a job and wants me to have relocation assistance to help us with the move. Now that I have this offer it has caused a huge rift because he does not have a job lined up yet and the possibility of relocation assistance is still being discussed with my employer. He also works in a somewhat specialized field so it may take a few months for him to get a job. I have brought up many alternative solutions, but none of them seem to satisfy him. I’ve mentioned us moving and me supporting him (I make almost double his salary) while he looks for jobs, him staying back here so he is not unemployed while looking for jobs, etc. He was unemployed for 2 months in the past and was completely miserable so I can understand that he doesn’t want to go through that again, which is why I would be willing to be long-distance for a bit.

He wants me to turn down the offer unless he gets a job. There is one that he is supposed to hear back from in about 1-2 weeks which I’m just hoping works out and would solve a lot of these issues.

If I turn this offer down, I’m concerned that I won’t get this opportunity again and pretty much everyone I know who knows my field and the situation agrees that this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity. This opportunity may pop up in a five years but at that point we want to settle down with kids which would make it much more difficult. At this point in time we don’t have kids or a lot of stuff to move so this feels right to me. I’m not completely miserable in the city I live in now but I could see myself being happier in this new city. I’ve lived in this same area my entire life and always knew I wanted a change, even if it’s just for a few years to try out something new. I’m getting very bored in my current city and don’t feel any real connection to this area anymore. I also enjoy my current job but there are technical aspects that I don't agree with. This new job feels more aligned with my personal feelings on these technical aspects and overall seems to be a better fit for me.

I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend, I want to compromise, but he feels like I’m being selfish and would be screwing him over in every alternative scenario. What should I do? Are there any other compromises that I’m not seeing clearly here? Is this completely selfish of me? I'm trying to consider every scenario so that it works out for both of us.

tl;dr my boyfriend does not want me to take this job offer unless he also has a job due to him being unemployed in the past; he thinks it is selfish if I take the job because I am forcing him to compromise our relationship or his career.

Submitted December 29, 2019 at 11:08AM by throwawayjob8 https://ift.tt/3575Tkz