My (21F) boyfriend (21M) lies in order to "please" me and tell me what he thinks I want to hear, and I am starting to feel like I don't know him that well because of it.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. What initially drew me to him was his kindness. He has always been very empathetic. As I'd later find out, he was raised by a dad who abused him, so I always thought it was a wonder that he turned out as loving and kind as he did; however, I found out within a few months of starting dating that he had a lying habit.

We went long distance four months into our relationship because he went to a university two and a half hours away from mine. This didn't concern me; we'd never had an argument, and he had never really given me a reason to not trust him. However, things started to feel a little off. He'd tell me he was drinking with his friends and when I asked who, he would only list guys; meanwhile, his roommate, who I was also good friends with, would send me Snapchats from their dorm at college, and there would be girls in the room.

This normally would not concern me, as I have many guy friends myself, but the fact that he kept lying about it made me feel like he had something to hide. He had several girl friends that he'd hang out with and tell me he was hanging out with, so I didn't understand why he'd lie about these girls.

This happened several times and I called him out on it every time, and he always told me he lied because he didn't want me to worry. I always told him that lying will make me worry more than girls in his room would and that I did not want him to get into the habit of lying to me. He always promised not to lie anymore, but it continued.

He'd lie about whether or not he was drinking (again, a stupid thing to lie about because I drank almost every weekend) and lie about who he was hanging out with and lie about why he couldn't come visit me and lie about completely random things that he had zero reasons to lie about, and every time I called him out, he gave me the same answer: "I didn't want you to worry" or "I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

He blamed it on his abuse as a child, so I excused it for as long as I could. It began to anger me, because I had been very easy-going throughout the whole relationship and never done anything to make him feel like he has to lie. I am very secure with myself, so I've never had a problem with him hanging out with other girls or partying.

However, as the lying went on, I started to develop trust issues. He transferred to my university (on his own accord) and the lying got better for a while. Things were perfect and we were better than they ever had been. Other than the lying, our relationship was amazing in all aspects; he is protective over me without being controlling, we have similar values, and make each other happy.

However, it started back up again a few months after he transferred, constantly lying about stupid things and defending it by saying it was to protect me and my feelings. It wore me down, and I reached a point where I doubted everything he said, every compliment he gave me, and I became incredibly insecure. We actually ended up getting into a huge fight and breaking up over it.

After a few weeks apart and much discussion, we got back together on the basis that he had realized how miserable he is without me and was willing to do anything to keep me, including working on abandoning the lying habit for good. We spent days talking about it, and he came clean to me about everything he had lied to me about that he could remember. I believed him, and things have been pretty smooth-sailing as far as I can tell.

After years of constantly being lied to, I still have a very hard time believing him and trusting him. Being lied to is so ingrained in me that I still doubt things he says to me quite frequently.

Still, I'll ask him where he wants to eat and he only suggests restaurants he knows I like, he only watches things that he knows I want to watch, he only does things that he knows I want to do, and it is getting to the point where I feel like I don't really know him that well. I feel like this may be one of his efforts to show me he’s ready to commit to the relationship the way he should have been all along, but he’s just not going about it the right way.

I want to do things he likes and eat food he likes and watch shows he likes and just know him better, and every time I bring this up, he tells me that making me happy is what makes him happy. I am just at a point where three years into dating him, I feel like I don't know him that well, and I'm worried I may never know him that well if he doesn't just stop giving me everything I want and start letting me see the real him.

Is this relationship worth staying in?

EDIT: I’m not in this relationship out of pity; I’m in it because I genuinely do love him. Apart from the lying, he is an incredible human. He feels awful about it and has shown drastic change, but I just don’t know if it’s enough.

TL;DR! My boyfriend (21M) of three years lies a lot in order to please me (21F) and I am starting to feel like I don't know him that well. Is this relationship worth staying in?

Submitted December 27, 2019 at 08:13PM by apbmarch https://ift.tt/2si5yyg