My[22F] white boyfriend's[28M] dad [56M] dropped the "Hard R"(n****r) on Christmas; how we move forward from here?

TLDR: My boyfriend's verbally (and previously physically) abusive, racist dad said the N word in order to offend me and another family friend (who is also a black woman) on Christmas. He's since apologized, but I feel like he's only shown more of his abusive side to me (an outsider of the family) with each passing year. I feel like if he's been comfortable enough to cross a line and say the N word in front of me, that it's a line he'll cross again, and I won't be able to hold my tongue in order to keep the peace. I don't know how to move forward from here. I won't be breaking up with my boyfriend, but I have no clue how to navigate dealing with his family (who he's very close with) any further. How can we go forward?

EDIT: Thank you all for your advice. I think it's really reminded me of what's important. I think every one of you is right when you implore me to not only think about any future children that can result from this relationship, but my own mental health and self-respect. Based on what I've read here and in another thread, I think that I'll be letting my SO know that the fact that he can be around someone who can say something so ugly with the intent to hurt me is not someone he should want to fraternize with either. Someone in the comments mentioned something that really put the nail in the coffin for me on this: I'm an abuse survivor myself, and in a million, billion years, I would never subject anyone to being around my mother for any reason, especially someone I loved. I'd fight tooth and nail to keep them away from it. And even though my boyfriend is damaged as a result of his abusive father, he should, at the very least, not want to drag me into his family's unhealthy mannerisms with him. If he can't prove to me now that he's willing to set boundaries himself, then we don't really have a future as a couple, because any children of mine don't deserve to have a parent that can't choose them over someone abusive. In the best-case scenario, he'd agree to what I'm proposing (cutting his dad off and finally addressing his family's issues in therapy) and we find him a therapist to help him deal with it all(his far of his dad, his abusive childhood, etc.), ASAP. If not, then then it's clear as day that he's deep in an abusive fog that I probably can't get him out of, and he's made his choice. As a very helpful commentor put it, "If he show's up more for his racist, abusive father than you, then that's a problem". Thank you ALL again for your advice and patience.

So my SO's dad is a typical Trumpet. My boyfriend absolutely isn't, and oddly enough, my SO's mom is one of the nicest women I personally know. She's super liberal, and really sweet, and has been nothing but kind to me.

Her husband has a temper a mile wide though. He's mean, and verbally abuses his entire family. Everything is worth shouting over, and he's a demanding bully of a person. He doesn't speak or ask, he barks or orders; He used to be an alcoholic, and I while he's been sober for close to 30 years, I can't even imagine how bad he used to be. He's called every race and minority every offensive word that you can in front of me, but has never said the N word. I'm not a fool, so I'm 99.99999% sure he's said this behind closed doors. My SO and I have been together for 3.5 years now though, and we've visited them at least once a month that entire time, and he's managed to keep comments about black people to himself.

This Christmas though, my SO, his mom, his dad, and a family friend and I were sitting around after White Elephant gift exchange, laughing and conversating, and out of the blue, his dad starts complaining about "those niggers at work". This is particularly terrible not just because I was present, literally on the couch next to the loveseat he was on, but a friend of my SO's family, who is also a black woman is sitting one seat away from him. She's been my SO's sister's best friend for about 15 years now, and has regularly been around the family. He said it about 4 times within 15 seconds, and we were all stunned.

The family friend stops and asks why he feels the need to use that particular word. He spins some BS about how "those fellas at work say the word all the time". My SO then clarifies that he was using the "hard R" and that that's definitely not cool. We all find some excuse to move the conversation along and VERY quickly get our stuff together to get out of there.

On the way home, I'm furious. Not just because my SO ONLY told his dad that the problem was that he gave a hard R, not that he said ANY variation of the N-word, but that I spent a long time getting this man a gift that he'd like (something I do for his whole family; he really loved his this year) for him to completely disrespect me for no reason. He knew using that word was wrong, and he knew it hurt the feelings of the people in the room, but he still did it anyway.

This is where I'm stuck. I KIND of give my SO a pass (even though we had a very serious conversation about this afterwards) because his father was abusive to them as kids. My SO came around the year that their dad quit drinking, but his older brother is mentally scarred from his years dealing with their dad back when he was verbally AND physically abusive. There are some horror stories I've heard from that man. From there, my SO's older brother regularly abused my SO and his sister physically. They've since mended those bridges, and his brother is sincerely sorry, but my point is that he has A LOT of trauma, and a huge fear of confrontation for fear of people's reactions. I am pissed at the situation, and I feel like this is an issue that should have been dealt with sooner (he just opened up to going to therapy this year and is actively looking for a therapist), but I can at least understand where he's coming from.

The next day, my SO's mom called me in tears, apologizing. For the reasons mentioned above, I give her even more of a pass -- she has to LIVE with this man, and I have no clue how he treats her behind closed doors (I know it isn't good...). I feel so bad for her, because it feels like he's abused her to the point that she's just lost a spark in her life. She can be such a vibrant, happy, creative person, then he walks into a room and you can just see all of that leave her. She asked if my SO and I would like to sit down and have a proper conversation about all this. This was a shock to me, as my SO has explained on numerous occasions that his family suffers from not confronting their issues, mostly due to fear of his father's outbursts.

We agreed on a time to talk, and I sincerely appreciated her calling me personally, but then my SO got home and told me his dad called saying he wanted to apologize to me personally and to give him a call if I want. That's fine and well and everything, but my mother was physically abusive as well, and I do not speak to her to this day over it. I have no fear of speaking up to other people, especially bullies like his dad, but it's awkward to me, because I didn't want to do anything to put my SO in a place where he has to confront all of this when he isn't ready. As you can probably tell by now, his family is highly dysfunctional, and the "peace" they all have seems to hang by a thread, and is based on appeasing their dad and everyone collectively ignoring their own feelings. This is extra uncomfortable for me, because my mother and I's family unit was just that: Me, her, and my grandparents. I'm not used to the passive-aggression that comes with a large family with drama. I also have never had to deal with anyone difficult in a similar way to how my own mother was difficult in years, because I've just cut them out of my life or tell them to go screw themselves and go on with my day. This is a bit harder to navigate since it's my boyfriend's family.

Anywho, I called his dad, and I was HIGHLY uncomfortable. He apologized and claims that he "Was letting out anger on the wrong people" (I read that as "I was angry at my black coworkers, so I needed to let you guys, who are also black people, feel attacked.", which is messed up and super racist) and that "if something like that happens again, to call me on it". As if calling a narcissist with anger issues out is going to end well. I told him that we were good, but I feel like that was more out of discomfort than really feeling like it was okay.

So my biggest concern right now is that when we first started dating, his dad seemed like a fairly normal dude. He is SO nice whenever we meet someone outside of the family, and you'd never guess he has any issues whatsoever. But it's like... over time with me being around the family, he's slowly shown more of his rude, aggressive side. For example, it started with him yelling more with me being present. Then being ruder to his wife in front of me. To lately, he's even started snapping at me a little bit, which is something that happened for the first time as recent as a month ago. It's almost like me being initiated into the family is easing me into getting used to being verbally abused to. Now, he's dropped the N-word, and some key advice I heard from my mom once (ironically) comes to mind: "The first time a man hits you, that's the beginning of the end. He will hit you again." I don't literally mean that he's going to hit me, but I'm saying that he's already crossed a line, and I seriously doubt he won't cross that line again. It's like, he keeps on pushing the envelope further and further, and I'm questioning if me even being around again is going to work.

I feel like me staying away indefinitely will be a bit hard, as my boyfriend VERY frequently likes to visit his parents, but I doubt so seriously that this will be the last time that I hear him say the N word, and if it happens again, I'm going to intentionally say something that will ruin his marriage, and/or physically threaten this man, which we'll all probably never recover from. Even more importantly, if my SO and I have children, they'll be black too. I do not want my kids to EVER hear that from anyone if I can help it, ESPECIALLY their own grandfather. How do we go forward from here?

Submitted December 28, 2019 at 06:15PM by CaliBounded https://ift.tt/2SAl7vH