This is tough - I'll try to be brief.
I moved countries to be with my wife. We live in California now - married late in life, no kids. She (F, 58) and I (M, 53) have always had a bit of a lopsided relationship - she would bring the temper, but it used to be shortlived and I guess I felt that as normal. Well, dynamics have changed. Anger seems to be the normal state now. She's abandoned close relationships (friends, family) over very small things, and that of course influences my chance at maintaining a circle of friends. She's been diagnosed with a disease that influences her thyroid levels, and that, too, leads to emotional outbursts. Our shared interests have dwindled.
I am at the point where I feel I have to tread carefully around her, that I can't relax at all at home. She's seeing an analyst and that has helped - somewhat. She stopped working 5 years or so ago, and now claims she can't emotionally handle being in a workplace. (In general, when she leaves a gig, it's very dramatic and she burns every bridge she can.)
In contrast, I took a dip career-wise when moving, but I am back on track and making a decent salary - half of which goes to our mortgage. (Small house, expensive area.) We're doing OK, but it's hard with just one income. If she'd bring in, 20% of what I make, we'd be comfortable. She used to be smart about money, now she's sloppy and wasteful - living a double-income lifestyle on my salary. It's not working.
I'm thinking couples therapy, but the fact is, I think I just want out and that would be deeply dishonest. Then again, I am dishonest now, right? But the thing is, me leaving would destroy her. She's not strong. And I don't dislike her or anything - I just want some space.
She'll strip my carcass in alimony etc. - she's vindictive as hell. But that's only going to get worse. We have assets - my 401(k), and the value saved up in our house. (The car is a clunker.) We have two dogs, my main worry.
Just the act of writing this down has been cathartic. Thanks for lending your ears.
TL;DR: A marriage that started out slightly uneven is now decidedly lopsided and I'm thinking about giving up. I don't actively dislike her, just - want some space. Do we try counseling, or would that be stringing her along?
Submitted December 30, 2019 at 07:34PM by KMSund https://ift.tt/358acfh
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