My husband said he would work our relationship if we live separately and if we sign divorce papers. What should I do?

Need advise: my husband said he would work the relationship if we stop living togeter

I posted this story in few reddit page, not sure where the best place is, but please send me your thoughts.

My husband used to be the perfect husband. Our relationship was not perfect but we were happy. I had emotional issues that I have been working on (I am a fearful avoidant, that often get overly afraid that people closest to me are about to leave me and sometimes this leads to anger issues & anxiety) but I feel that I am getting better.

I am an architect and I have been doing it for 13 years with the same education background. My husband, didn't really have a stable education background and jobs, he had multiple unfinished bachelors degree ( economics, architecture, computer science, etc) and was struggling trough his studying days, and also changed a lot of short timed job, but he climb the ladder of his carrier very well. In the end he is now a digital marketing expert, and got hired by one of the biggest financial corporation in Switzerland, while me, still doing the same job that I do for 13 years ( I am 36, he is 39) . So although his education background is not as significant as mine, he earn a lot more money than me.

When I moved there with him, I expected to be able to find a local job that can support me enough the basic lifestyle in Switzerland. Although I also obtained a working permit, after almost a year, I still couldn't get an architecture job, mostly by not fluent in German, and... to be honest they have great architects here, and I am a tiny fish swimming in the ocean. He supported me financially for those months, but at some point I felt that I need to do something with my talent, so I accepted this project in Asia. The initial plan was only to go for 4 months, but when this separation happen, we thought it is better for me to stay in Asia for a while.

But things got very difficult on both of us. He also had difficulties at work and finally quit his job and had difficulties finding a new one. After he quit, we couldn't afford to keep our apartment, so while he was alone in a new country he needed to deal with moving out, find a new cheaper apartment and finding a new job at the same time. The stress begun to weigh on our relationship. We fought a lot. and at one point he told me he does not have romantic feelings for me anymore. I panicked, heartbroken, and sad, but it came out as anger. So I fucked up. I said a lot of angry words at him, and after that he asked me "what do you want? do you want a divorce?" and in a moment of anger i said " yes sure,lets get a divorce". He at first got angrier , but then he wrote me an email saying that he agreed and wanted to proceed with the divorce. When he said that I apologized, I begged him to stay ( I begged for weeks)

His responses were up and down, sometimes he was very sweet, and saying that he needs time but he wants me back in his life, and other times he was very persistent on getting a divorce. Once he told me he is having issues to connect with me in a deeper level, one time he told me that he wanted me back and that life was so much fun when I was with him, but another time he told me he wasn’t happy in the relationship, I often confused on which of his feelings were true. Is it possible that all were true?

This week during Christmas, after weeks of living in different countries, arguments trough texts and calls, I decided to "visit" him. When I told him that I would come, he was happy. He picked em up at the airport at 6 am, and by the time we reached home, he surprised me with Christmas dinner. We stayed for days only eating, netfix and wine, we didn't have sex but we cared for each other. After few days, I asked him if he still wants to continue with the divorce. His emotion turned, and I could feel he became anxious and angry.

He then said " depends on what you want" and then I said I want to fight for the relationship. I want to be with him, and spend more time together with him to work on our relationship. He then first said that he just wants to be alone. I got really sad, I cried and asked him more things like why didn't he love me anymore, why was he being so selfish, etc. Then after a long back and forth argument he said, he would work on the relationship with 3 conditions: 1. we live separately (he said because he thinks living together didn't work for us) 2. We talk a lot and 3. I sign the divorce papers, just for him to keep , and not sending to the legal counselor. Now I am confused. He told me he loves me, and that our separation is not about the lack of love, its because he feels that its impossible to have a romantic relationship with someone like me. (I still don’t understand what this means)

I do feel there is a lot of power play in our arguments, hence the divorce question and living apart.

I am not too worry about the divorce papers. Although I’m broken hearted and I loved being his wife, I prefer losing my status as his wife compared to losing him. We dont have any kids and both of us are independent, what I fear most is losing him. What I am thinking about is more about the togetherness it self. I am hoping to start over, but when I heard him saying these terms, I asked my self "does he really want to ? or is he only saying this because he can’t stand seing me being emotional?"

About living separately, he proposed that we should get skype counseling, and that we will take turn to visit each other. At first I was very sad, I felt that he couldn't stand me anymore. This conversation happened yesterday, and I told him I need time to think about this. Ultimately I feel that the distance was the main trigger of our separation, and I am not sure more of it would do any help, but then again, if he can't stand me, would living with him makes the relationship heavier?

Should I agree on his term? Should I give him some (more) space to cool down and think? Should I fight for staying and living together because Physical connection is important? Or is it best for us to split?

sorry for the long post

TL;DR After weeks of fighting in an LDR (I needed to work abroad for 4 months) my husband said, he loves me, but its hard to maintain a romantic relationship with me, but he would work on our relationship if we live separately and we sign divorce papers to reset our relationship.

I dont really mind about divorcing. I just want some peace with him, to connect. If we can’t be married I just wish to be friends with hin, to stop fighting. Do you think these points would work for our relationship (it doesn’t have to me marital relationship) ? Or would it make it worse? should I give what he wanted because he couldn’t be happy when we were together anyway?

UPDATE: I signed the papers.

Submitted December 30, 2019 at 05:20PM by senorpabl0 https://ift.tt/36asY77