Hello, sorry for scattered formatting as I am typing this to get advice as soon as possible. This will also be a longer post, so check for a TL;DR at the end. And yes, this is a crosspost as I have already posted on r/relationship_advice
*Short update at the end of this post.
The title is basically spot on. And for a little backstory, my husband and I got married in 2016. We were in a LDR - he was living in Michigan with his parents at 21 and I was living in California with my parents at 18. After being in a LDR for a few months he eventually came to California and moved me to Michigan.
At the beginning of our relationship, he was a full time streamer - basically streamed video of himself playing video games online and was self employed in making his own money via subs and donations. In the beginning he was very successful, making enough for both of us to live off of. His parents made him pay cheap rent, but never charged him extra for other various things. He was paying for housing and bills, as well as his own phone, but his mother would prepare meals for him and do his laundry, etc.
I had first come to Michigan in August of 2016, right after I graduated, and then we got engaged October 2016.
I didn't have to work since his income was enough to pay our bills and rent at the time, in addition to this, I had no means of transportation other than my husband at the time as I didn't have my own car, nor did I know how to drive his. So if I would have gotten a job he would be cutting into his "work" to transport me.
As I did not work, I took it upon myself to begin doing his laundry and sometimes going to make him food while he was working since I was not doing anything of my own, which was fine at the time being.
We eventually got married in December of 2016, and moved out and into our own place February of 2017.
I got my first job in mid February as his income was not enough to cover our new bills and rent. He streamed and made a decent amount monthly and I worked full time. The system we were working off of was that I was the person to make enough money to pay for rent, car insurance and that was it. His income was to pay for any credit card bills and utilities.
For a couple of months or so, things were fine, I liked working where I was and he was making enough and enjoying his freedom in his career.
However, the issues started coming when his income began to dip considerably. His streaming taking a hit resulted in me beginning to work much more, eventually having to get a job with better hours and better pay. At the time I was working as a hostess in a restaurant, then I went on to a cashier at a fast food place for better money. For a while I was bouncing from job to job since I was trying to find good, consistent hours for enough pay. Meanwhile, my husband was still trying to commit to streaming.
Eventually, my jumping from job to job landed me in a few good jobs... however, I was still not making enough to make us "secure" in my husband's eyes. My family from California occasionally would try to visit me in Michigan, but my husband always suggested that I don't take time off since "we couldn't afford it".
My husband eventually went on and got a job through a family friend in 2018 where he was making a considerable amount of money, but it only lasted about a month or so before he was let go. He saved most of the money he made in this job and so we had a little excess and savings we could dip into for emergencies and such.
After that I worked at different jobs, trying to find a good job that still paid enough for my to support our rent and car insurance, while he was doing freelance work from home, doing graphic design commissions or other online work from home for small bits of money here and there. However, while he was doing this he still was not making consistent income.
My mother came and stayed with my husband and I for about a month. In that time, my mom took me to the side on several occasions and told me she didn't like how I was constantly working excessive hours to support my husband and that he was just getting away with playing video games all day to make a little bit of money. I didn't think much of it, but agreed that I didn't like not being able to take time off and being discouraged by my husband in wanting to do so.
Fast forward to the end of 2018/beginning of 2019. I was working for an office cafe and was making very good money, consistent hours and making enough to be cozy without really needing to earn more. My husband was still streaming.
Unfortunately, my job had issues with labor and hours, so my time at that job was cut significantly (from about 40 hours a week, five days a week down to 3 hours a day, between 2-3 days a week.)
My husband was deeply disappointed, immediately telling me I should find a second job so that I could keep up my income.
It was around this time that I began to question why he didn't also get a job so that it wasn't all on me to have the solid income. He began to apply, and interview but only to be refused a job time and time again.
Eventually, he was hired by a few places, once he was hired as a server in a senior home, just bringing and taking orders from the people who lived in the facility. He worked there for one day, came home and told me that he didn't want to continue working there. His reasoning for not wanting to return were these:
- There was no advancement opportunities (told to him by a staff member who was working there for over two years).
- The management was constantly changing with a high turnover rate.
- The pay was below minimum wage, despite including tips.
I understood to a point why he didn't want to return, so I suggested he find a new job before quitting that one to be on the safe side. He quit the same day, and didn't return, leaving him jobless again.
He was then hired by a moving company, for generous pay, paid vacation, insurance, and benefits overall. He worked there for two days before stating that "his body could not handle the physical abuse of moving furniture all day, 6 days a week." He quit after two days.
He was hired by a trucking company to wake up early in the morning and transport produce from the warehouse to the grocery store. A job that required he work 5-6 days a week, wake up at 6am, but potentially have short days, with amazing pay, and benefits... He quit the job the same day because he had to load the truck and unload the truck, a task that they "did not inform him of".
Mind you, every time he quit a job, he never made sure he had another one lined up. So every time he quit, it was back to streaming for a few days to weeks while I worked two jobs.
His parents and I have both talked to him about why he does this, stating that not every job is going to be fabulous or pay him tons of money to just sit around and do zero physical labor. His mother and father have both told him that even if he doesn't like a job, he sometimes just has to deal with it because "money is money and he has a wife he needs to help support."
My husband has shown little compassion toward this statement.
Every time I have gone to him, stating that work has told me to not come in for the day he gets upset at me, telling me that I should demand more hours, or even get another job to make up for "the money I'm not making".
I've talked to him about how I'm tired of being the sole person to make consistent money and that sometimes he has to dip into savings just so he can "live his dream and be self-employed."
Streaming is his passion, and he never wants to give it up.
My husband every time, tries to convince me that he will get a really good job so that I won't have to work so much, and even go down to part time jobs so that I can work on getting back to school. He's told me this for about a year now.
My husband is a very good manipulator, and has managed to keep me convinced for a year now.
However, I am tired of having to work 5-6 days a week to support my husband, someone who won't work a job that is "too hard", just to never get a day off.
In addition to working constantly, he never cooks meals, he rarely takes out the trash, and rarely does things I ask him to do around the house while I am at work. I get home from work, he requests I bring him dinner, he streams for the night, I do what I want on my computer, he ends streaming by the end of the night and we go to bed - that is the routine.
About two weeks ago to the date of this post, my husband got hired at an extermination company, working in sales, but still being required to go into the homes of people to evaluate for pests, including going into crawl spaces, attics, and basements. He was given money to go on a trip to a convention in Boston for about three days. This trip cost about $600. I was fine with him going, so long as when he came back he was ready to commit to work and buckle down.
He returned from his trip on March 30th. He began work today, April 1st.
On his trip, my husband was around many people, exposing him to some germs and giving him a sore throat and a bit of a stuffy nose. All day, he was complaining about how hard it was going to be for him to go to work and power through. He was acting like he was dying, despite the fact that he did not rest at all, played video games for the day, was drinking soda and eating junk all afternoon, yet he insisted he couldn't get up and open the front door when his sister came by.
Around 7:30pm, yesterday, he told me he had texted his boss at about 5pm, but had not gotten a reply on the questions he had asked him. He said "I have a bad feeling about this job."
My husband consistently exaggerates the bad sides of jobs, not caring about making any income as I have been the one to do so for years now. I feel as though he is taking advantage of the fact that I am willing to work my ass off to support him. In addition, he has made me feel guilty repeatedly about not making enough money for rent while he has not had a consistent job or source of income.
He has been at work since 9am, and I fully expect him to come home and express that he does not want to return to this job. My first instinct will be to express that I can't stand this anymore, pack a bag, and take a few days away from him to figure out what to do.
My mother has been in a similar situation, where she worked constantly and was pushed around by my dad to work, cook, and not take any days off. My mom, as well as my friends, and in laws have told me that his behavior is abusive in making me be the workhorse of the house. I called my mom and asked her advice in the event that he does come home and insist he doesn't like the job or it "wasn't what he expected" and she agreed that I pack a bag and get some distance.
I had never really realized that this could be construed as abusive behavior until about a week ago.
I am very unsure, anxious, and scared as to what steps to take in the event that my husband does not want to work, and continues to try and get away with what he wants to do. I really need some advice.
TL;DR: My husband has not worked a consistent job where he was making consistent money in two years, and has required me to be the main source of income, not allowing me to take time off. And I am unsure as to what next steps to take.
** Update 1: So far he's gotten home and has informed me that he has enjoyed the job, however, he hasn't done any real work yet. He's due to be training for the next two days. So only time will tell if this job works or if I'm out and on to bigger and better things. Thanks for the helpful comments and advice. And just know any unhelpful comments that are just criticising me will be removed. I already know there's something wrong, I don't need to be belittled.
Submitted April 01, 2019 at 10:21AM by DarlingDevilPaw https://ift.tt/2uCyPky
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