My ex-wife (27f) continues to be very hostile towards me (29m) and it's starting to wear me down. How can I solve this?

A bit of a backstory (saga) before the problems of today.

Me and my wife both got married young. We dated for a 3 years, got married, and life was pretty great. After our son was born a few years, she seemed to get very stressed out - was constantly in a bad mood. Slammed doors, screamed at me, hit me once, elbowed me once (stopped after I told her to, but would still say things like "if you don't stop annoying me I'm going to hit you.") Kind of fucked up, but more psychologically damaging than physically damaging.

Later, she confided she was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. She also had intrusive thoughts of killing me and the baby. So I asked her to go see a professional, which seemed to help - including meds, talk therapy, etc.

2016 was rough still - just because we went through a lot of changes. Bought a house, I changed jobs a few times, I began working an hour away - so we got distant, she got accidentally pregnant again, but we decided to keep the baby and work on the marriage, got into counseling. We both realized we were unhappy and if we were going to have a family we needed to improve things. Things improved for awhile, but then got worse again. It seemed like everything I did annoyed her on a daily basis. She started resenting my family and friends. I was very stressed with work and her. I tried to remind myself she was pregnant, but she said some pretty hair-raising things. Wanted to separate, etc.

During that time, I started having feelings for a mutual friend. This friend was very kind, always texting me, wanted to know about my day, seemed compassionate and worried about me. We worked together so it made it easy to escape into that relationship. When I realized I was having feelings, I told my ex-wife about it - she got really mad at me, but I said nothing happened. I expressed that I was unhappy and wanted to try to figure out a way to make our marriage better because we had hit another lull of discontentment. I put up walls around this friend and asked for space.

2017, things aren't much better. In June, my ex-wife accidentally sets our house on fire and that tips us into the inevitable end. It was a very stressful time, part of me was worried she had done it on purpose (I still don't fully know if I'm honest). We had to move back in with my parents. I was mad at my ex for what she did, but tried not to blame her. But the damage was extensive. But she was very angry at everyone to the point my parents asked us to move out - so we stayed 2 hours away.

One night my ex raged out because I was late, and pulled our son out of my hands and stormed off. Slammed doors, etc. I told her she crossed a line and needed anger management immediately if I was going to stay married to her.

I think we were on the brink of divorce at that time. But I still wanted to save the marriage, so - after a few weeks of fighting - I made her dinner. She drank a little too much and told me she was bisexual (news to me) and wanted an open marriage. In counseling, she said I misunderstood her. Later, she said she didn't know what she wanted - so I kept pressing her. I told her I was okay if she was attracted to women, but I wouldn't stay married if she wanted an open relationship. Eventually she said she wanted an open relationship and we got divorced. She signed the kids and house over to me. Later, she said I misunderstood her and she never wanted an open marriage.

She wasn't active in the kids lives for about 2 years - and they're in school now (she wanted me to take them out). Because tuition was expensive, I asked her to start paying child support where before I had said she didn't need to because she was struggling financially.

Flash forward to today - she sues me because she now wants 50/50 custody and half the house and some furniture she left (I don't know what she wanted exactly - but I knew I couldn't afford whatever she felt entitled to for the house). She hasn't paid child support, so I offer her a deal to work out the agreement and waive the back child support. She decides to take us into a hearing anyways, but court does not go her way. Her defense was that I coerced her into the agreement, but there was no evidence and... frankly, I didn't. I even offered her joint custody, she said "it wasn't feasible at the time." I tried to work with her, but then I just gave up.

Anyways, court says she is to pay child support and the agreement stays in place.

Well, long story short - she has been attacking me online constantly, even before all this court stuff. Probably since the divorce. She posts almost 3-4 times a week about how I have narcissist personality disorder, that I was selfish, controlling, lying, etc. That I was an oppressive and controlling husband, that my family was fucked up, etc. She even did a social media blackout (changed her profile to black), I guess to echo the "Day Without Women." Writes about karma and revenge, and getting even. Her family publicly posts that I am the "form of true evil."

It's just constant and it wears me down.

Okay, so my therapist said to stop looking, so I have. However, now when she picks up the kids for her weekends her radio is always blasting music - sometimes songs we used to share. I can't tell if it's intentional, but I suspect it might be and I don't even know how to address it without seeming crazy. Then she has her boyfriend around now during pickups to help with the kids, which was really unexpected and painful. He acts almost like he was there to keep her safe from me. Again, maybe it's perception but it throws me off and just seems super inconsiderate.

To be clear: I don't think I was a "pure evil" husband. I wasn't perfect and needed to grow up, but I have never hit my ex. I have never yelled at her. I did have an emotional affair, but I owed up to it and confided all the details to her - never said it was okay or justified. I always encouraged her - said she should go to college, or get whatever job she wanted, or do whatever the hell she wanted. I was not a "you have to stay at home and raise the kids" type. In fact, I probably did 80 percent of the responsible stuff (budgets, cleaning, cooking, etc.) I know I was far from perfect, and have to pay for my errors and mistakes, and I did say mean things occasionally, but it wasn't gratuitous. I tried to be respectful, and consider myself a feminist - but it's just too much sometimes. I feel like she can push right where it hurts and I just have to internalize it and try to stay calm and kind.

So my question is this:

1. What do I do about all these public accusations - that I'm this MAGA-type of man masquerading as the opposite? I feel like I'm just silently taking the beatings. But is silence the right response? Mutual friends, even business partners, see her and her family literally saying "now we know true evil exists" about me and going to "war." I've heard even worse rumors offline - although I guess I can't verify any of them. It just feels horrible and nightmarish. If she is trying to hurt me she is succeeding. And I know - people often tell me: don't give her power. It's just not that easy. She's the only woman I've ever had a relationship with and I honestly thought we were lifelong partners. It might be easier if we didn't have kids connecting us, but it is very difficult for me to just ignore her - because I truly loved her, and I even thought we'd be respectful to each other in the divorce.
2. Has anyone faced a similar struggle in terms of the combativeness over the kids? How did you get the other partner to move back to a respectful place or is it just a lost battle? We're connected via the kids, and that means I can't just never see her.
3. I'm generally struggling with serious trust issues - with others and myself. I honestly feel like I'm in one of those movies where you enter a bad timeline (like "It's A Wonderful Life" or something). This person who I had a very happy and functional relationship with is now out "to get revenge" (her words, not mine). Except obviously this is real life - and the life I thought I had was actually never real. I've had a few potential relationships after the divorce that I've knowingly sabotaged. Dating honestly terrifies me. How have you handled learning to trust others again?

It's been really hard, I just wish - in my wildest fantasy - we could treat each other with respect. Clearly I've been a very naive person.

TL;DR: My ex continues to attack me online and remains very hostile 2 years after the divorce, and I feel helpless in defending myself and creating a respectful co-parenting situation with our 2 kids.

EDIT: Just to clarify, I have full rights to the kids (one of the things she was trying to overturn) and she has visitation. I don't think there would be a way to make her go away permanently, not would I necessarily feel okay doing that if she wants to step up and at least be part of their lives. But yes, it's occurred to me she might try to alienate the kids from me out of spite.

Submitted April 03, 2019 at 09:52AM by blahtimes3 https://ift.tt/2CRMtVC