So I have been very close friends with my friend Alex [25m] for several years now.
He's cheated on pretty much every one of his girlfriends and is currently with a girl that he cheated on his ex with. He hasn't cheated recently, although he REGULARLY tells me how hot other girls are/how tempting they are etc.
I knew about it all. I wouldn't say I approved but I just kind of... accepted it as part of his character. He was a very caring, loving friend to me otherwise and I valued his time.
I have just gotten out of an abusive relationship where I was cheated on. I went to therapy and I think I'm wising up
So I challenged Alex on his cheating. We rarely talk serious or fight and honestly, I probably shouldn't have done it because ultimately its none of my business as I'm not his girlfriend.
He told me that the reason he's cheated is because
a) he finds the girl way hotter/sexier/has a crush on them
b) he's dissatisfied with his current relationship
Um??
The thing is, I obviously don't understand it. He's essentially saying 'I cheated because my girlfriend wasn't good/hot enough' and I just feel like that is shitty and lacks any insight or introspection.
So I called him out, and tried to get him to well, see his OWN behaviour in the whole thing.
That went down like a lead balloon. It went something like this,
"I told you that it was because I found X hotter, and I wasn't happy with Y. I answered your question."
"But then you could have ended the relationship. I just don't think you're actually thinking about WHY you thought it was okay to do what you did."
"This is how long term relationships work, jasminesmerelda. You decide if the relationship is strong enough. I know cheating was the wrong decision but I told you why I did it. What do you want me to say?"
"Something about yourself and your own actions? I don't understand how this is to do with the girl or the relationship. Surely it's to do with the cheater."
"I told you why. You're just not wanting to accept the answer because it makes you unhappy."
"I just can't understand how you can't see your own intentions in the cheating."
"You're making me feel like shit and I already feel shit about it. That's not fair. Let's stop talking."
I apologised, but he's not talking to me currently. Was I in the wrong to call him out on this?
I guess maybe it just hurt to hear that 'reasoning' having just been cheated on myself, so maybe that's why I wasn't backing down. It just seems to me that he lacks any kind of self reflection that it was a shitty thing to do. He knows it was wrong but he still acts like it's because the girl wasn't good enough. In my opinion it's because the CHEATER is a shitty person.
Looking back, I wanted him to see that but perhaps I went about it wrong. I've apologised though so there's not much else I can do. Is he right in this situation?
**tldr** My close friend has a history of cheating. I called him out on it after years and I think I came across as not wanting to listen and trying to make him 'see' what he did was wrong. Am I a terrible friend?
Submitted March 27, 2019 at 01:40PM by jasminesmerelda https://ift.tt/2HGVPHC
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