My (40f) partner (42m) has basically suggested my dad's cancer diagnosis is my fault, but I "shouldn't feel bad"

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. He's not close with my dad at all because my dad lives 3 hours away.....generally I will go every 2nd weekend from Friday night to Saturday evening, and during that time my parter works nights.

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Anyway, in hindsight all the symptoms were there. Approximately 1.5 years ago my dad started to get ill. He also has mild dementia, but still able to live independently with his wife (not my mom) with help. His wife isn't overly well either, so I would go up as mentioned every 2nd weekend (or more often over the past 6 months).

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A year and a half ago I took my dad to the doctor's (I accompanied him) because he was coughing a lot and losing weight. He had the tests (blood/chest xray/ultrasound/urinalysis) and everything was fine. Then 6 months later, I made him another appointment (I couldn't take him) because he was still losing weight and coughing. Then this time last year, yet another appointment because he was still losing weight and coughing. He had all the tests again. Nothing showed up, so I hired a meal-delivery service and had home caregivers drop in every week to make sure he was eating. I honestly thought it had something to do with dementia (I have read dementia patients often totally lose their appetites...I couldn't really explain the cough though).

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Then last month I made him another appointment and went with him because he was scaring me with how skinny he was getting. This time the dr ordered a can scan as well, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

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When I told my partner, his response was very unsettling to me. Our conversation went something like this:

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Him: don't blame yourself

Me: I don't....

Him: well, I just mean you COULD blame yourself. There was clearly something very wrong with him and you didn't advocate for him to figure out what the issue was.

Me: but he had tests several times....

Him: yes, but you knew something was still wrong even if the tests didn't show anything. He kept coughing and losing weight and you didn't push to find out what was wrong.

Me: but that wasn't on purpose! I honestly thought those tests would show if something was wrong.

Him: you clearly knew something WAS wrong and you didn't push it. Anyway, don't worry about it. Don't feel bad, it's not your fault.

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I was left feeling absolutely awful. And guilty. And actually angry because this was not what I would call a really supportive reaction. And it's not like he's reacting out of grief because he barely even knows my dad.

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Am I just angry at him because of my own feelings of guilt?

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tldr: partner suggested I should have done more to help my dad get his illness diagnosed but then told me I shouldn't feel bad.

Submitted December 02, 2021 at 08:32PM by No-Proposal-4435 https://ift.tt/31mj1q0