Throwaway because I don't want anyone to be see this and get hurt, I just need a little perspective...
Edit: sorry, this was absolutely not supposed to get this long, seems I had a lot to get off my chest.
So, for a little background, I've been with my current partner for about a year now. We met online on a dating app during one of the lockdowns, got along really well and had a first date the first day we were legally allowed to meet up with people outside of our bubble for the first time.
Things were going well, really well actually. We never argued about anything, had a lot of fun doing the dumbest stuff, just felt genuinely happy and comfortable in a relationship for the first time in a long time.
Then... I made a new friend...
Being a snowboard instructor whose life was... Kind of torn apart by COVID... I had taken up skateboarding in order to stay sane during this pretty awful year.
While learning to ride in my local park I rode past a stranger who was also learning, but was clearly even newer than I was. I could see that they were having trouble, and might even be on the way to hurt themself with a particular mistake they were making, so my snowboard instructor side kicked in and I rode over to say "Hey! Sorry, I'm also pretty new at this, but have you tried doing this instead?"
Enter Jason, as I'm going to call him.
Jason and I got along great! We shared most of our interests, (sports, videogames, anime), we had both been through some pretty similar stuff recently (anxiety and depression exacerbated by the pandemic) and, to be honest, we both just kinda needed a friend. Him because he had just moved here from another country, me because I had been forced back here from the country I was living in.
I told my partner that I'd made a friend that day and was really happy about it, and they were very happy for me and supportive right up until I used the word "her".
To explain, Jason is a trans man, and was not openly so with strangers or family. I had to use his "safe" pronouns with my partner as he was not publically out and it was not my place to out him to this person he did not know.
And this... caused so many problems. The idea that I had made friends with a female was very offensive to her. Any time I was skating in the park and ended up hanging out with Jason she would get angry with me for it. She started checking up on where I was, expecting me to report where I was going and who I was seeing, it got really bad and nearly ended our relationship.
Finally, with Jason's permission, I explained to my partner the situation with Jason being trans, and how he already has a partner too who he is madly in love with, to find out if that made any difference.
(To clarify, I do not think it should have made a difference; I think it's healthy to have friends of any sex or gender and I have never questioned her hanging out with her male friends, but this seemed to be an issue for her so I wanted to see if fully understanding would help her accept Jason.)
The strange part was that she accepted the trans part and began using he/him pronouns, but the jealousy did not improve at all.
My partner actually started skating too, and that helped a little, but there were plenty of further incidents; such as her getting mad at me once we were alone, because I accepted some water from Jason's water bottle, or when he jokingly showed us both a picture of a very slightly skimpy Halloween costume, saying "If my grandma really wants me to dress girly, maybe I should wear this to the next family gathering."
It was just... A lot of small things which added up. She would always want to know beforehand if ever I was meeting Jason, and even then would act strangely about it whenever he was brought up, and started a lot of arguments over him. I got the impression that she didn't really accept his gender, or that if she did she had already decided he was "a problem" in some way, and that she would never accept him as my friend no matter what I did.
To skip ahead a bit... This started to drive a wedge between Jason and I. We still chatted, but less and less frequently, and I would see him at the skatepark less and less until one day he just never showed up again. I found out from him online that he had gotten discouraged by seeing his progress slow down a lot, and was taking a break from skating.
Months passed, Jason and I only communicated by dropping each other a TikTok video every now and then. My girlfriend actually broke her leg learning to drop in with a skateboarding instructor, so between taking care of her and shipping her to and from the hospital for checks (she's okay! Will have the cast off in a few weeks now!) I've barely skated at all myself for the last month.
Finally, yesterday Jason sends me a long message about how he's sorry for going dark, his depression had hit hard and he was isolating himself a bit, but he would love to start skating again if I would join him.
So I arrange for us to try out a new park today, and invited another dude from our skate park so Jason would have another skating friend to get to know. I tell my partner about this last night, and she says that's great and tells me to have fun.
But... This morning I woke up to a long long text explaining that she actually wasn't okay with it, and that I should have talked to her about this before arranging to meet Jason anywhere... I know there is going to be a very uncomfortable discussion now when I go over to see her tomorrow, and I'm just lost for what to do...
Since this all began I've been reporting on my whereabouts to my partner in a way which I would tell ANY of my friends is a dangerous red flag if I saw them doing it... But the ways in which our relationship is good makes it so hard to see this as a deal-breaker and... This shouldn't come into it, but I think I would forever see myself as an irredeemable asshole if I broke up with a girl who broke her leg trying to learn a sport she knows I love.
What would you do, people of Reddit? I could really use some perspective here...
TLDR: My girlfriend's jealousy has been driving a wedge between me and my new friend... and I'm no longer sure if this is a healthy relationship for me to be in.
Submitted December 01, 2021 at 03:48AM by FeelingKindaLetDown https://ift.tt/3EpuIKM
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