Hi all, I hope you can help me with this.
**Please note: I have scheduled an appointment with my therapist online for next month - just wanted to ask reddit prior to see others' opinions/anything I can do until then
I recently moved to my boyfriend's country (I'm from the US, he is from Wales) after being long distance for 2 years. I was really excited to move here but now I am struggling with thoughts of breaking up and I can't figure out why. I've been so irritated with him and overall sad recently which I am really struggling with, and I'm not sure if it's my gut that's telling me to leave him.
I've been really unattracted to him recently, which is obviously an issue that's meant we haven't done anything sexual in nature for the last 2 months. One of the reasons is that he sweats so much when we're sleeping in the same bed, which leaves the sheets wet/sticky and wakes me up during the night. I'd really like it if he lost a few lbs with me because maybe that would help with it but I'm not sure; I also don't know if that's a fair thing for me to ask at all. The other thing is that accompanied with him sweating so much is that he has quite a lot of body hair, which means there are hairs in the bed/on the pillows and stuff. He also always gives me massages and asks for me to give them in return, but I don't really like doing it because the sweat feels not nice to touch and then I get hairs all over my hands/arms.
The other thing is that he is a very anxious/needy/clingy person, which is one of those things that didn't bother me at the start of the relationship but it is bothering me a bit now. I don't want to sound insensitive; I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety when I was 19 and have been taking medication to help me with those. I also journal/go on walks to help me deal with those feelings. I would say he definitely has anxiety but he is not diagnosed and I am not a professional. However, he previously saw a psychologist(?) who had him do CBT which seemed to help him a lot, but that was 1.5 years ago. Sometimes he gets so anxious that he will put himself into an upset mood/start crying, and I have to comfort him, which is not an issue if it happened sometimes but his anxiety comes up a lot so I'm feeling that it's taking a bit of a toll on me. I also feel horrible for feeling this but it makes me feel less attracted to him. I feel so so horrible for feeling that way as I feel like I understand anxiety/depression (as I struggle with it) and I understand that anxiety can really get a grip on you, but it makes me feel like I have to coddle him a lot and that isn't attractive to me (if anyone has any suggestions for how I can stop thinking/feeling that.. please let me know). Due to his anxiety, I feel like I can't tell him things because he will become really sad/withdrawn or start crying and I'm not sure how to navigate the situation when that happens. Additionally, last year he got so upset (not at me) that he was screaming and crying and he punched (and dented) a wall. He didn't do it in front of me but I was downstairs and he was upstairs, so I went running to him and he was saying he's so sorry and started hugging me, but in that moment I did not want to be near him because the thought of him damaging things scared me. I never brought it up because I didn't want to upset him again.
Somewhat related is that if he gets hurt (e.g. stubs his toe, gets a papercut) he will be really dramatic about it and will sometimes start crying. He wants me to come and kiss him better/coddle him which he says makes him feel better. Again, I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't find that to be very attractive. I personally don't get too upset when those small 'injuries' happen or expect him to coddle/baby me but he likes when I do to him.
Finally, the thing that is impacting my thoughts the most is that I'm really struggling with homesickness/being in a new country. I feel really useless and alone, which I told to my boyfriend and he started crying/asking me if I wanted to leave which I said "I'm not sure" and he started crying more so I did not continue saying how I felt, I just went to lay down. I did mention before he started crying that I feel like I've lost my sense of individuality/adultness because I have to rely on him to do anything such as driving me to the store. Or anything I do, I do with him (clothes shopping, food shopping, exploring) which makes me feel like we are too codependent on each other. My job does not start until February of next year which means I don't do anything during the day. We live in a rural area (only farms around us) which means there isn't anywhere in walking distance. I have joined expat groups on Facebook, and I have 4 volunteer jobs which I do when they need me but it isn't fulfilling me. I miss having female friends, I miss going out by myself, I can't help but wonder if I need to be single for a while because before my current boyfriend I had another serious boyfriend who I was dating for 3.5 years and we lived together also, so I was only single for 6 months before dating my current boyfriend. I'm not saying I want the "single life" to go out and party or meet a new partner but I wonder if I missed out on learning independence by always having a boyfriend since I turned 18? I would have really liked to know what it's like to live alone/go out with female friends/go to university but I gave those things up because I've had boyfriends. I'd also like to mention that since I told my boyfriend that I feel like I lost my sense of independence since moving here, he has been asking me more if I want him to join me going places or if he could drop me off, or he'll ask me if I want to do [one of my hobbies] while he does [one of his hobbies] separately. I still do feel like it was an unfinished conversation thought which bothers me a bit.
I know this is getting long but I promise I'm wrapping things up. The thing about my boyfriend is he is the most wonderful person in the world, and other than those handful of things he is truly amazing. He always tells me he wants to give me the world and is always asking how I feel mentally/physically, supports the decisions I make, takes care of me when I'm ill, etc. He's a really good person. He also talks about wanting to marry me which I used to love but now I'm wondering if that's the right decision? He wants to get married by the end of next year (we are not engaged currently) so that I can be on a wife visa which would allow me to get citizenship faster here. I still love him very much but the thought of all these commitments is scaring me a bit, but I'm not sure if I only feel that way because I feel like I'm struggling with my feelings at the moment. I don't know if what I'm feeling is just natural homesickness/loneliness which is tricking me into thinking I should break up with my boyfriend? Or if this is my gut saying I should leave now before we are both hurt.
**TLDR: Suddenly feel like leaving my boyfriend after moving to his country. I have some issues with being unattracted to him/his anxiety but I still love him. Also feeling very very homesick. Unsure if my feelings are my own depression/anxiety coming into play or if it's my gut saying I should actually leave.**
Submitted October 04, 2021 at 01:32AM by Sad_Flower7210 https://ift.tt/3uKmk4H
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