My (33f) husband (32m) of almost ten years has checked out emotionally after the unexpected loss of his father 6 months ago. My father-in-law had several long-term health problems that came to a head in December 2020. His death was sudden and traumatic for my husband as we are stationed overseas from the rest of his family on military orders and weren’t able to attend the funeral due to COVID. My soulmate and best friend had to say goodbye to his father’s body over FaceTime the night that he died, and understandably he hasn’t been the same since.
I’ve been trying very hard to gently support my husband through his grieving process for the past 6 months, but he has made absolutely no steps toward processing his grief in a healthy way and it’s starting to take a toll on our family life. My husband is very short-tempered, has a negative attitude about everything, and has zero patience for our two children (9yoF and 5yoM). He spends the majority of his free time at home with his face buried in an iPhone or PC game (he’s told me himself that he uses gaming as a way to “numb out”). The kids are old enough to realize the change and will now come to me for nearly everything.
On top of this, my husband seems to treat sex as a coping mechanism. He don’t seem interested in how I’m doing in general or our future plans as a couple. He don’t seek out conversation with me like he used to. Whenever he does open up to me about how he’s feeling about his dad, or about work, or about anything, he immediately wants sex as comfort, or beforehand will want sex as a way to distract himself from “negative” feelings. Frankly I’m tired of my body being used as therapy.
Every other month or so when my husband mentions that he feels awful and numb and burnt-out, I will gently suggest therapy and I point out how much therapy has helped me in the past. Although he’s always been supportive of me seeking therapy, he flat-out refuses to go for himself. As a military veteran myself I can understand the concerns about career impact, but I’ve always believed that mental health comes first, and he has a very understandable reason to go.
It’s come to the point where I don’t enjoy living under the same roof as him because if he isn’t complaining about work or snapping at the kids he’s isolating himself in another room for hours before randomly begging me for sex. I no longer have the life partner or co-parent or best friend that I’ve loved for almost a decade. I’ve thought about talking to his mom or his chain of command at work but I don’t want to make things worse between us. Am I expecting too much? I don’t expect him to ever be “over” his father’s death, but I expect him to try to work through the grief in a healthy way and find better coping strategies. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
TLDR: My husband lost his father 6 months ago and refuses grief counseling even though our family has started to suffer.
Submitted July 03, 2021 at 10:56AM by Big-Revenue5859 https://ift.tt/36aAG2P
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