My bf and I have been together for close to 5 years now and our arguments really escalate in a way that makes no sense.
Yesterday for example, when I was driving home from work, I missed a call from him. When I got to a point that I could check my phone, I asked if he called, since sometimes butt dials happen. He makes a joke saying "yeah that brick in your purse that you text on, it also takes calls. You should try it". Sounds kinda rude but it's not bothering me. I told him I was driving and didn't see he called. So I call him back. It goes to voicemail. Then right after he says "mmmhmmm sure. Not even gonna call me back? It's like you've never heard of phone etiquette" to which I respond that I just did and that it went to voicemail. But he says he had zero missed calls and I send him a screenshot showing I had just called. So I call him again and he answers and says "well look who finally called me back" I don't remember everything that was said, but the gist of it was him telling me I should answer my phone more and me telling him I'm driving.
I honestly don't know what the deal is, but basically the conversation quickly got heated and we hung up after a minute or two. On the drive home, I'm thinking he was mad that I didn't answer my phone and how ridiculous that is to be mad about. So when I get home, he immediately says something about it and asked why I was so mad, and I'm like what!? You're the mad one! Why are YOU mad that I missed your call. I tried to calmly talk to him about how I was interpreting our conversation, that he had a problem with how I did not answer my phone and that is not my problem. But he said that I was being condescending and talking to him like a child. My options were to talk to him as calmly as I could, yell at him, or not talk to him at all. So I immediately get frustrated and tell him no he is obviously trying to start some shit and I'm walking away. So I leave to go to the bedroom, but then come out after a few minutes to grab my phone and read his texts he had just sent that said "I'm not even upset and I want to speak to you, but you will not let.me speak and are being condescending to me. Can you please be an adult and talk to me. Telling me it's my fault because you didn't answer your phone is the complete wrong way to approach this situation". At this point I'm confused. In no way did I state it was his fault that I didn't answer my phone. That literally makes no sense.
Our argument got a little more heated and he told me how it didn't matter that HE was the one calling, it could've been anyone, and that I needed to answer my phone. I'm like are you kidding me, not only was I driving, but I have complete control over what calls I take or not. He escalates it to what if he were dying (which we've already had this argument) and he needed to get in touch with me. To which I always reply, do not call me in a life or death emergency. Call an ambulance!!! At the end of this argument, it was clear he just wanted to lecture me on my phone habits and complain about it to me under the guise of "constructive criticism". The whole thing was a shit show and I may have told him he was gaslighting me and I felt that this was a form of abuse. That was probably not the right response, but in that moment, I swear he was twisting the truth to manipulate what was actually happening. He freaked out when I said he was acting abusive and escalated things even more by saying I basically told him he's "the worst person in the world and that he should just go slit his throat" (literally what he said). On top of all of that, I asked him, so what did you want to talk about on the phone? And he says "nothing". So he literally didn't even have anything important to say that I needed to answer his call.
The confusion doesn't stop there. He often tells me to stop talking to him during an argument or interrupting him so that he can talk, but is actually just berating me without ever resting for me to get a word in. I try to listen to him, but the shit he says is honestly so ridiculous that I can't even take him seriously.
Writing all of this out really makes me realize how unhealthy our arguing habits are and I hate it so much. It always devolves into the same thing. He says and does the same things while saying I say and do the same things.
Honestly, if someone could provide some advice as how better to handle these situations where one of us gets defensive over something stupid... That'd be great.
I kept thinking how this is an issue we need to tackle as a team... But the issue is that he doesn't like my phone answering habits?? My last words in the argument were "if you're genuinely upset with me, then let me know, but if you're just trying to lecture me, please don't do that".
TL;DR: My bf seemingly got mad at me yesterday for missing his phone call while driving, but really just wanted to lecture me about not answering my phone in general. He stated he was just giving me constructive criticism and that I shut down whenever he criticises me, but I feel the manner in which he is critical, is never in a way that is constructive.
Submitted March 03, 2020 at 10:20AM by insecureburger https://ift.tt/39lk20w
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