Hey all,
My wife and I were married about six months ago. All of the friends and influences in her life are phenomenal.. Except for one.
She has a friend who she endured some hardship with some years ago. That hardship created a bond, and a sense of debt that my wife believes she owes her friend. This friend is younger, naive, immature, and frankly has nothing in common with my wife. My wife has said before that had they not shared those experiences, they would not be friends. She has deep rooted self esteem issues and is very dependent on my wife and others for attention and friendship. She is EXTREMELY manipulative and passive aggressive in all aspects of her life, thrives off continued drama, and her relationships seem to constantly implode around her due to her erratic behavior. She bounces from boy to boy, and is not happy being alone.
This friend is I believe, very fearful of our new marriage. She wants to be the primary focus in my wife's life. She is constantly making manipulative remarks about how are relationship might be bad in x way, or she makes negative remarks about me.
Most recent example:
Wife via text: "Dude I can't afford to go out and get smashed tonight." (We just moved back to the US from South America. I am currently paying the bills while she is job hunting.)
Friend: "WTF dude, so your hubby just expects you to stay home and be cooped up while he's out doing stuff? You deserve to go cut loose sometimes too." (I was on a business trip for 4 days. Not 'cutting loose'. I was not a part of the conversation in any way until the friend brought this up. I had not told my wife she had to "stay in" to save money either.)
My wife never plays this game, and our marriage is absolutely wonderful. But this friend would have my wife believe that our marriage is bad, and I am a bad partner. She is constantly trying to get my wife to go out and party with boys. If my wife says no, she acts like it must be because I am controlling and manipulative (the irony).
My wife is the example of what a good friend should be. She always sees the best in people but sometimes has a hard time setting boundaries. I have gently made comments about how uncomfortable her friend makes me at times. Lately, however her friend has begun to make more frequent remarks, and is routinely trying to stir up drama. I fear that she is bad not only for my wife's well being, but for our marriage.I am unsure how to make my position clear without being overbearing. However, I know that a gentle nudge will fall upon deaf ears. She is blind to the short comings of her "friend". What can I do, if anything?
[EDIT:] Apparently I can't say nice things about my wife without everyone assuming that I am controlling and she is handling things perfectly. I forget this sub doesn't do a good job of assuming positive intent. So let me add some more context. My wife has NOT defended me in these situations. She has not played into it and has not agreed with her friend by any means, but she has also not defended me. Additionally, this has caused problems in our relationship. Our first fight was over this friend. That fight occurred because her friend refused to hang out with the three of us... Because she was mad that I didn't reach out enough after she broke up with her boyfriend who happened to be my friend as well. Also, this friend treats my wife like shit. I'm not worried about just our marriage but my wife as an individual. Which I'm allowed to fucking be worried about my wife. Finally, I never said I would make demands of my wife. Never once was that inferred. I wouldn't do that. What part of "I feel I need to assert my position but I do not want to be overbearing." would lead you to believe that I want to demand my wife not be friends with this person???? Jesus christ r/relationships
TL;DR: My wife's "friend" is toxic, manipulative, and a threat to our marriage. My wife see's the best in everyone, has a hard time setting boundaries, and struggles to see how poor of a "friend" this person is. I feel I need to assert my position but I do not want to be overbearing.
Submitted February 06, 2020 at 11:27AM by septic_sergeant https://ift.tt/2vRmeOg
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