My (21 F) boyfriend (25 M) defends his best friend (23 M) no matter what, and I think I’m starting to see him differently.

Basically, I live with my boyfriend and two of his friends. One of his friends is great, and we get along well. The other is...problematic, to say the least.

His best friend, who we’ll call Jay, is an awful roommate who never cleans up after himself. He also barely takes care of his dog, so we have to pick up the slack. My boyfriend has always defended him when it comes to cleaning, and we’ve fought about it quite a few times. He usually says that “I don’t know what he’s going through,” and he’s right, so I’ve tried to calm down about his messiness and his disregard for his pet.

Well, things have been getting worse. A few weeks ago, we had an apartment meeting about getting certain things done (cleaning the floors, washing dishes, etc.), and at the end of the meeting, Jay went OFF on all of us. He was mad at everyone for something specific. For me, he said he didn’t like how I thought he was “a bad person.” I’m very civil with Jay, even though I really don’t like him, so this was confusing. He also said that he’s “not a problem” in the apartment (we never said he was), and he said I need to stop “thinking of him as one of my ex boyfriends,” which was COMPLETELY out of left field. I wish I could provide more context to that comment, but I genuinely can’t. He just said it randomly. Later, when we were going to bed, I was pretty upset. But again, my boyfriend defended Jay.

Fast forward to last night. Jay was playing video games, and I was sitting with my boyfriend on the couch drinking wine. Jay’s dog started messing with the cords on the PS4, and Jay screamed at the dog and slapped him across the face extremely hard. I was horrified. I knew he wasn’t good at taking care of his dog, but seeing physical abuse was horrifying to me. I got up and went to my bedroom because I didn’t know how to process what had just happened. My boyfriend came in shortly after and was mad at ME for getting upset. He again tried to justify Jay’s actions by saying he was just “frustrated.” This time, I lost it. I said no one should react to frustration with physical violence. My boyfriend refused to listen to me.

I know this post makes it seem like my boyfriend is an awful person who I should leave immediately, but he ONLY excuses problematic behavior when it comes to Jay. In all other aspects of life, he is the perfect partner. But for whatever reason, his loyalty for Jay runs so deep that it’s concerning to me. After last night, I just feel really weird about being with him. Does anyone know what I should do in this situation? Does anyone understand why he is so loyal to this clearly toxic person? I just want to understand.

TL;DR: my boyfriend’s best friend is toxic, but my boyfriend defends him at all costs, to the point where I’m questioning my feelings for him.

EDIT: I called my boyfriend and told him we needed to have a serious talk. I told him all of the things you guys have commented and everything I’m feeling. He said, “I’m sorry.” When I asked why he was sorry, he said, “I’m sorry we’re in this situation right now.” He went on to say that everyone makes mistakes, and he’s not just going to cut someone out of his life for a mistake. He said things aren’t that black and white. I started sobbing and reminded him that Jay hit an animal. He said he agreed that it was wrong, but I’m mad at the wrong person. It was like talking to a brick wall. I’m really at a loss right now. I know what the right thing to do is. I just didn’t see this happening before I got to know Jay better. I’m devastated, but I’ll probably be breaking up with him tonight when he gets home, and I’ll go over to my sister’s house to stay with her.

Submitted February 08, 2020 at 10:59AM by tirednbored98 https://ift.tt/2OE2eW1