A bit of background. My mother and I do not have a fantastic relationship. I'll avoid providing names of countries to preserve anonymity, but basically we're both from a second world country. We lived in poverty and didn't have nice things when i was a child. She divorced my dad and married someone from a first world country to find a way out. the man she married was not a nice person and was emotionally abusive, particularly to me. he hated me as a teenager and showed it very clearly. my mum did not stand up for me and always prioratised her new relationship. I understand she was quite young and had her own issues, but the result of all of this means that I grew up to be on guard all the time and quite sensetive to conflict and criticism. I also grew apart from my mother during the critical teen years.
When i was around 17, her husband divorced her and she started dating a new person, let's call him Jim. Jim was much older than her and a lot more mature. He really understood my mother and also understood that she was quite an unstable person. He put up with it and was a buffer between my mother and I because we fought frequently. We fought about everything, primarily because my mum doesn't know boundaries and she does not accept other peoples choices unless she completely understands every detail of those choices, and then decides for herself that the choice is correct, even if it's not hers to make. this results in a lot of interrogation from her end, and a lot of guild trips, manipulation strategies such as silent treatment etc. it's either her way, or you're the worst person in the world. she also always plays the victim if you give her any pushback, she'll start crying and behaving very childishly.
About 8 years ago mum and Jim moved to another country. Over the last many years, she has never shared her own personal details with her family. she did not tell her parents that she had divorced and remarried (until my grandparents visited for my own wedding.. they found out about my mother's marriage the day before my wedding). She didn't tell anyone about her heart surgeries and health issues until after the fact. She also didn't tell anyone about the extent of Jim's health. He has had cancer for a couple of decades, the type of cancer that is usually receptive to treatment and you can live with for a long time. Last year he got a lot worse. At one point she said to me that he wasn't feeling well. I didn't think too much because I did not know the extent of it. then two weeks after that I got an email saying that he died. He apparently tried to get in touch with me to say goodbye but was too delirious to call or email me property. Jim and I got quite close over the years because he was a good person and he really helped our family's relationship because he was the only one who could talk some sense into my mum. As soon as i found out that he died, I packed a bag and flew across the world to see mum and help her with arrangements. it was really hard on me and I had to ask for special leave from work.
that was approx a year ago. it has been a hard year. I grieved a lot. I had to tell Jim's father that he died. this was not nice. I helped my mum scatter the ashes and that was confronting. My mum in the meantime has gone back to her usual self without the buffer. I understand that she also grieves, but she really hurts me in many ways. she calls me fat. She is very racist and calls me a social justice warrior if i protest. She does not respect my accomplishments and doesn't recognise that my education places me in a better position to discuss social inequality issues (I'm an attorney, i have a law degree with honours, and a degree in philosophy and politics. i do pro bono work for refugees as part of my practice). She demeans me in front of others. If i protest, she says I'm young and immature and that my views will change.
Now to the point. I have a problem with my uterus. I nearly bled to death in childbirth and since then I've had a diagnosed uterine abnormality which means i bleed an incredible amount. the drs put me on high levels of hormone treatment to supress the bleeding, but it has left me with chronic pain. I have gained weight as a result of the high pill dose, and it also causes depression. This week I have seen a chronic pain specialist obgyn who said at this point in my treatment I can have whatever I want. I said I want a hysterecomy because that's the only treatment that will eliminate the issue, and the Dr agreed that it is appropriate and needed in my case.
I told my mother about this because we had been planning to visit my grandparents in our home country at the end of this year. it looks like the surgery will clash with our trip dates, so i told her to warn her not to buy plane tickets yet. that's the only reason i told her.
She started trying to interrogate me. and I just said no, I do not want to talk about this right now. She called me rude. I said that it's not about how she feels, it's about me and my health and that I'm not ready to discuss this with her. She told me to call her. I said no. a few days later, she asked me to call her again. I said no again. now she's not talking to me, which is fine.
I just need time to process everything and to get healthy and to prepare my body by decreasing stress, eating healthy etc. I want to give myself the best chance of recovery. I have to make decisions such as keeping my cervix or not. i just don't have the emotional capacity to deal with her right now. I know her well enough to know what she is thinking. She is angry because she wants me to delay the operation because my grandpa really wants to see us. he's getting old and isn't 100% well and wants to see us. my mother also doesn't think that i should have this surgery because she always wanted me to have more children.
I am the asshole for cutting her out for a while? I'm afraid that she will keep bothering me until I give in. I just want to be left alone in peace and surround myself with positive and supportive people. I understand that she might be worried and annoyed, but i just want privacy. i work full time and have a 6 yo to look after, i don't have time to emotionally manage my mum. I'm also really scared and need support.
Any advice is appreciated.
tl;dr: I'm going to have a hysterecomy soon and need love and support. my mother wants to interrogate me about every detail and thinks i should delay it so we can visit my grandparents later in the year. she thinks I'm being rude to her by saying i do not want to discuss it right now but all i want is some space.
Submitted May 03, 2019 at 07:31PM by greatlizardo http://bit.ly/2VbT606
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