My partner [28/M] of 7 years, deleted me [26/F] from various Instagram posts in order to continue to receive attention from someone else

Hello my friends near and far, I have never really used this before, so I apologize immensely for being unaware of certain posting criteria! I hope you are all doing well, and I thank you for taking the time to read this post!

I have been with my partner for 7 years, we initially met online, and after meeting in person a few times, and realizing our affection for one another, we found it promising to move in together. I moved from California to Pennsylvania to be with him throughout graduate school. All was seemingly well during this time. I have never really had any reason to not trust him. I encouraged him to very much so, to try his best to make friends, or to explore hobbies on his own outside of the various ones we share, because I have my own passions, and I found we connected most when we met in the middle through conversations about these passions, through the act of explaining or showcasing what we've taken in or learned.

Throughout these 7 years, he has struggled with very low self esteem, and though I don't necessarily think of myself as the pillar of self love, the depth of mine doesn't reach the low perception of his self value. Because of this, he has seen and stopped seeing, both a counselor, and a therapist, and has been on medication to help for the last 6 months.

Things where seemingly well between us, and continued to be pretty fluid. We continued to share things, and take long walks, and where pretty open ended about where we stood in the relationship, if one was feeling a bit of an ebb, the other would pick up more of a share, and vice versa.

However, things took a bit of a dip about 2 days ago, when I felt the ebb, and asked him about it. Initially, he said there was really nothing wrong, and perhaps I was just feeling this way because with our schedules we haven't been able to see one another for long periods of time like we are used to, which is true. But the feeling continued to irk me, and when I asked about it a second time, he confessed to me, he had begun talking to another girl from another country, via Instagram direct messages, and though things between she and him never crossed the boundaries of platonic friendship, he really loved the initial rush of someone asking him questions about his favorite movie, his favorite album, his favorite book, all things he and I already know very well about one another. I asked if he'd sent any selfies, or anything, risqué, and he said no, though I can't confirm, because he deleted the messages, a good deal of me believes him, because of how open he was about the initial conversations to begin with. We slept apart, and I just felt really confused the entire night, because I couldn't really resonate with wanting that sort of attention from someone else. If anything, his yearning for that type of attention, sort of hurt. It felt like I wasn't doing enough, or giving enough.

The next morning, though I don't have an Instagram, and am not on the app, I went to check his using the desktop version, and found that posts where he once called me 'the love of his life' or a specific post with a gift I gave him that once said 'greatest gift from the greatest girl' where still on his profile, but the words, 'girlfriend' or 'love of my life' where completed erased. With this realization, my confusion and hurt turned to very real heartache. I called him and asked if he had deleted these words from the specific posts, and with shame, he said yes he did. When I asked why, he said it was because he just didn't want the attention from the girl asking him about himself to be disrupted if she found out he was in a long term relationship. I guess this is where, I asked the obvious and questioned why someone who is just asking about your favorite books, movies, etc, would be driven away by the fact that you have a girlfriend. And he said he didn't know why he did it, and that it was a massive mistake.

At the risk of seeming toxic, and I will take full accountability for seeming so or being so, I asked him to please deactivate his Instagram for the time being while we sort through this, his twitter as well. He did, and though I was feeling a bit of relief about that, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened that he didn't choose to do that on his own for the benefit of our relationship, he had to wait for me to ask. Which again, just made me feel like such a toxic and controlling partner. Two things I always strive to be so far from.

When he got home from work, we discussed everything at massive length, and he continued to swear up and down, that these conversations pertained strictly to music, movies, and books, and he didn't have interest in her, just interest in the initial rush of the attention he was receiving. We read a few articles, and he broke things down to me as his self esteem has never been lower, despite his career as a doctor being at a high, and his finances in order, he felt things with his music weren't taking off, and with that came a feeling that he wasn't special, and it was nice for someone to make him feel that way. I felt shame and asked him if I wasn't doing enough or giving enough to him to make him feel that way, he said, I defiantly was, but my love, and attention and affection, became a pillar he could rely on, and got used to, so with new attention came a rush, and he liked that.

I asked him if he wanted to be single, and find that rush in dating new people, and he kept insisting that that's so far from what he wants. He wants to remain a couple, and do all he can to work on these things together. Though I can't help but correlate that feeling he enjoys with the feeling of a first date. Which hurts of course. I told him I didn't really see how we could move past this because there was nothing much for me to make an attempt to work on moving forward. This seems to be a self stemming problem, that I emphasize with, but just don't want to be on the receiving end of the counter effects.

So though it is incredibly uneasy to begin to think of how difficult it'll be to begin again, it is just as difficult to think about how difficult it would be to stay and try to rebuild back up an issue that I feel like just a bystander when it comes to.

This has all been very painful and if this comes to an end I just want it to be as civil and as possible. He deserves to love himself, but not at the expense of the love we have between us. I deserve love that is stable and comforting, and not laced with newfound paranoia.

Despite this all, my heart is still very much in this of course, and he has been very vocal about how it was just one mistake, nothing happened, we can work through this, etc. And I secretly keep hoping he will make a step, any step really, to showcase these words and implement action, seek a new therapist, find the two of us a relationship counselor, buy a book on self help or on how couple conquer affairs, anything, anything at all, without me having to be the one to ask him. I just want him to have that yearning that he continues to say he has, but instead of saying it, I was him to show me.

Do you think that makes me irrational or just plain dumb? I believe to be in a state where I can handle either answer. Or something completely different just the same!

Do you all think I'm blowing something completely out of proportion? Given how this was an exchange of conversation between him and another girl for just a few days, and his erasure of me on his profile was only for about 2 days?

Alas, we have come to the very end of this post, if you've made it, I can not thank you enough for giving me your time, if you take the time to post, I can not thank you enough for giving me your efforts. This has been a first in this relationship, this has been a first in my life truthfully, and throughout writing this I just felt completely vulnerable and isolated. So, if you've given me your time, thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope what happened to me, doesn't happen to you, and wish you all things gracious and good and completely fulfilling my friends! Best of luck, and all of my love and gratitude.

TL;DR I've been in a relationship for 7 years, my partner recently and unexpectedly kept posts on Instagram that showcased us as a couple but deleted the words beneath them that included the words 'love of my life' and 'girlfriend' in order to continue to receive attention from another girl who lives in another country, who he says he shared a platonic relationship with via Instagram direct messages, and really only enjoyed the aspects of her asking him questions about his favorite things and giving him validation. He says he only erased those specific words in order to keep the flow of validation coming. He doesn't want to end things or see other people, I am a bit unsure about where to go or what to do.

Submitted April 27, 2019 at 08:24AM by Feelbetterfriend http://bit.ly/2UFXjEc