(UPDATE) My (27f) bf (27m) of 7 years resists progression of commitment and will remind me "not to eff him over" with major obligations - most recently a car purchase we put in my name.

Original post here - https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/92emym/my_27f_bf_27m_of_7_years_resists_progression_of/

Thanks to everyone who commented and shared their thoughts. It made me realize how obvious the imbalance was and how one sided the relationship was in certain dimensions. Sure, he loves me and contributes in ways that make it seem like the day to day living of our relationship is healthy and balanced. But at the core of things, as one redditor put it, I'm not a "hell-yes" to him. I wanted to share an update for those who helped and let you know how the past 2 days have been. I hope my experience helps others who are in similar circumstances - I know reading similar posts have helped me.

I didn't include in my original post a separate breaking point we experienced that becomes relevant below - at one point I had serious doubts about our relationship (near the end of my "cool girl" phase, being sick of pretending to be someone else) and seriously idealized the fantasy of being with someone else who would treat me better. I imagined everyone being an amazing boyfriend - strangers, people I knew, acquaintances - I would think "I wonder if they could make me happy". I got infatuated crushes like crazy. He noticed the difference and thought I was cheating. I came clean and we discussed it and he was seriously hurt that I'd had these thoughts. We were moving forward when I got seriously wasted one night and made out with a girl friend of mine. I didn't tell him for 6 months. When I did come clean, it was because he thought I was cheating. During the time I kept this secret I experienced some serious guilt and darkness and used substances as a crutch. It was a really low point. Since that time I've gotten control of my drinking and all consumables and have worked on communicating my feelings to avoid these inevitable burn-outs that result from "cool girling" or rug sweeping. I really thought we were making progress together and strengthening our foundation while also nurturing his healing. I know forgiveness and trust take time and I felt willing to put the time in because we wanted the same things in life.

When I wrote the original post, I was at work on Friday. His "dont eff me over" comment was over the phone, after we realized that ownership had to be in my name to save on financing. For the past three days the arguments have continued and I've stuck my ground and made my points known consistently. I'm honestly having a hard time walking away but trying to be strong while I make arrangements.

After our phone call on Friday, he knew I was upset, and I think he was expecting a bad mood or an argument when I got home. Luckily, I'd been able to read a couple of your comments which helped reaffirm my feelings and solidified my argument, with statements put more eloquently than I could. It feels like a blur now but I remember saying how the comment was unnecessary and hurtful; he knows I dont like it, so why does he continue to say it? I understand protecting yourself but the proper way to protect yourself is having affairs in order, etc. not saying unproductive hurtful comments. I said it was just another action that demonstrated how his fear of "being effed over" overode his excitement for this next step together. I told him that I was excited to buy this car together because it seemed like the first thing we did together where we considered our problem as a team and came up with a mutually beneficial arrangement that wasn't exactly 50/50 because we were working towards a common goal. He thought I was excited about the car because I was somehow getting the upperhand on him. I said he has always resisted this (the shared credit card, the benefits, referring to each other as common law, talking about marriage /kids) and all that said to me was that he isn't serious about us or building a future together. I said I was ready for this and excited to, and he just resists and it makes me so sad. He basically doubled down and used a similar discourse from the past - he doesn't know what he'll want in the future, if he wants to be married, or if he wants kids. I should be happy with what we have. Some other highlights of the conversation included how it isn't his job to make he happy; I'm emotionally unstable; look at how quickly I reacted to his comment, thus proving in intent to "eff him over"; I'm like all other woman searching after some fairy tale that doesn't exist, etc. As bad as this sounds, it was a level conversation of back and forth and when we both finished talking we were silent for the rest of the night - it wasn't some crazy fighting match.

Saturday we had to go and pick up the car at 9:30. At 8 pm we still hadn't sent over the banking information and I said we should talk about it to decide. He said we would decide when we got there (?) which makes no sense. I had my banking info with me, so I didn't resist. The original compromise we came up with, had me paying $10K of $18K in cash to him directly, with him taking the payments into his name at 0% finance and ownership in my name. Originally we intended to buy a car in cash, but opted to take 0% financing. Since I would be using the car more, have it in my name, and enjoy the gas savings more (since he was unwilling to get a shared credit card, to enjoy pooled shared savings), I agreed to pay out 10K for the car for him to use against other vehicle debt he was paying 4% interest on. When we got to the car dealership I said we would put it all in my name. I said, thinking like he was about protecting himself, if we broke up it would be hard to get that 10K back from him - so it only makes sense to protect myself. He said "oh now you're thinking like this eh? Well I'm out then, I'm not going to be a part of this - this can be your car", and I replied "well apparently I have to think like this. That's fine. I'm going to pay you out for the rest of our lease and I'm moving out". He was kind of shocked. This is all in the car dealers office lol. The dealer comes in and we act normal - he says financing can't remove his name because we would have to rewrite the whole deal. I plan on calling the finance office on Monday to switch it over to get his name off of everything. That night I said to him, "I can see how you would think this was a drastic reaction to your one comment - but it's not just that comment. It's the way I've been feeling about all of these other things and this was the straw the broke the camels back. It feels awful to know that you're more invested than your partner and I deserve to be with someone who is enthusiastic and excited to be in love with me." He said choosing to live life with me is a commitment, and he's obviously committed to me because he's been with me 7 years. I said every commitment you make has no risk, they're all superficial. You can't even prove your committed to me by giving me your word.

Today was another round of arguments. He still doesn't think I'm serious. He asked why I was distant in the morning and I said I'm still thinking about everything from the past 2 days. Highlights of the conversation include - he'll never forgive me for cheating, and he doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm being irrational and throwing away a good thing. That I should continue as we are, living in the moment. I said I'm afraid of wasting my time with him, when he clearly doesn't want what I want from this relationship. I have reiterated again and again - I want to be with someone who is excited to commit to me. Who knows he wants to marry me after 7 years (even with our challenges), and can tell me he want children. This is the bottom line. He says marriage doesnt matter; this argument isn't going to force him to feel differently; why am I being so crazy. I never issued an ultimatum because as you all pointed out - there is no point. I said I'm not trying to force him into anything and everything he says just reinforces that this is the right choice. He thinks I should take my time deciding because he thinks I'm being rash; I told him I don't want to be sucked back into what is comfortable because it would be easy. Finally, he said "you know whats funny? at the end of all this I'm still getting effed." and I replied "how exactly are you getting effed? I'm paying you out for the lease and your name will be off the car loan - your fear of being effed is going to eff you so much more than any person could. You expect the worst from people and thats all you're going to get, because it's what you give. I dont know why you're letting some experience from 10 years ago damage you so badly. I'm willing to be open and vulnerable with you and you can't reciprocate that. You're never going to experience true love unless you are willing to open up".

It's hard to resist - but I'm trying to be strong. When I feel myself thinking about making it work - I realize that all of the reasons why I want to are for him - to make him happy - something he isn't willing to do for me. His comments take the air from my lungs and make it so hard to stand up to him but I know in my gut that THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP. I guess writing all of this out helps me realize this more and more. Instead of hearing me and wanting to help, he invalidates my feelings and says I don't even know what I'm talking about or I read too much on the internet (he mocks me for reading r/relationships . Honestly this forum has made me take off the rose tints to see red flags for what they are. I'm going to pay him out for the lease and take my time to find a good living arrangement. I know there will be more blow-outs in the coming weeks and I'm hoping to maintain a strong resolve. Thank you all for reading.

tl;dr - getting there. trying to wade through my emotions with a strong head, while listening to my gut. This car has been a god send. I can't imagine trying to disentangle a home, or a family.

Submitted July 29, 2018 at 05:51PM by DistantBf1111 https://ift.tt/2AiVZCn