My (30F) mother (62F) recently passed away from cancer. We were in denial about the severity of my mother's illness until it was too late. I was holding my mother's hand when she passed. It's my first major loss, and the first time I've seen someone die.
Things have been hard since then. I am in individual and group therapy, have a very supportive and loving partner and friends, and am taking things easy, but I am still grieving.
My family has never been good at handling emotions. My dad is a brick wall that smiles or laughs occasionally. My sister is somewhat better, but she rarely, if ever, opens up at all. My mom was the same.
My sister and I aren't as close as when we were kids. Time and life have gotten in the way. She is (admittedly) not great at texting back or reaching out, and if I don't make an effort to message/call first, I have gone weeks/months without seeing/speaking to her. Despite this, I feel that we have a good relationship.
My father has been holding onto my mother's ashes for a while. He wants us to spread them on my parents' wedding anniversary, at a special spot on the coast she loved.
The location is a few hours away. The three of us live separately and have our own cars. My dad said we should drive separately since he wants to be alone afterwards. I totally understand this and was not surprised by it.
However, I asked my sister if she wanted to ride with me. She declined because she "was planning on going early so she could go crabbing," but "thanks for the invite!"
At first, I said, "Okay no problem," but the more I thought about it, the more upset I was. Thinking that maybe she just didn't understand what I meant, I messaged her again, saying, "Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but this is going to be a hard day for me and I really don't want to ride to/from alone. I could bring my partner and/or a friend, but I feel like this is a family thing." I offered to get up early, pay for gas, do all the driving, etc.
She replied that she "can't just go crabbing at anytime" because of the tides and that she already made plans with her husband and son to drive out there at 3AM, but I was welcome to ride with them if I wanted.
While I know that everyone grieves in their own way, and that maybe doing something fun might make the day easier, I am hurt and upset by this. Can't she go crabbing some other time? Is this really more important than being there for me?
Since my mom passed, the three of us have barely talked about it. Everyone is acting like they just want to move on, but that's not possible for me.
I don't know if my feelings are justified, or how I should respond to her. I wish my sister understood how important it is for her to be there for me. My partner and/or friends would come with me in a heartbeat, but it's not the same.
TL;DR Sister is choosing going crabbing over riding with me to spread my mom's ashes, how should I respond?
Submitted June 30, 2022 at 12:01AM by AITA_crabbing_throw https://ift.tt/d86osVj
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