Bf (31M) breaks up with me (24F) when presented I dealbreaker regarding how he handles his mom, now says he didn’t mean it

TL;DR at the end

Bf and I have been living together for a year and a half and have been together for almost two years.

Last night, I presented him with a very direct question about whether something would be a deal breaker regarding a situation about how he will react when and if his mom wanted to start issues again. Long story short, his mom is very controlling and my bf’s lack of ability to set boundaries with his mother made me really loose faith in him.

He’s also gone back and forth making a ton of excuses for his mom’s behavior. Its to the point he doesn’t really see the situation rationally or like it happened. I don’t even get upset or emotional over it anymore when he does this, I just calmly correct him and tell him thats not what happened. Its really scary to see how warped his reality it, how hard it is for him to see how serious this situation is, and how defensive his mind wants to be at protecting his mothers image. He can’t seem to think of her in the wrong, or someone who us capable of such manipulation.

He choose to break up. He cried, I was shaking in silence. We sat in silence for a good half hour until he just continued to go about his day without a word.

He has a habit of just allowing things to be swept under the rug, mainly regarding this issue with his mom, other issues he seems a bit more mature. Instead of initiating a constructive conversation, he will just sit in the same room as me and wait until I get irritated enough to bring things up.

So I finally break the silence and ask, ‘so thats it?’ He finally says he didn’t mean to want to break up and he wants to stay together. Now I’m really confused and exhausted.

Its worth noting that his mom is our only big issue really. Theres a few minor discrepancies here and there, although we usually work it out, apologize and move on.

He basically said I was wrong for presenting a scenario for a dealbreaker so directly. I told him I do not regret communicating with him about deal breakers in a direct manner and choosing to break up when you didn’t mean it is not a constructive answer and its not a good way to deter me from avoiding the conversation in the future. He expressed his frustration with my lack of ability to trust and have faith in him that he will handle his mom.

The issue with his mom was so bad we got a therapist appointment a year ago. We both were not fond of the bill, so we decided to stop going. I was extremely clear though that we would need to continue to talk about this issue. Especially if we planned to marry eventually and someday have a family.

It would be two or three years until we see his mom again, we’d like to either be married or have this figured ourselves to either be together or not by then. Sure, she’s not close now, but shes expressed a desire to be closer, maybe see grandkids which I’m not opposed to, if proper boundaries are set in place, which I’m not sure they will be.

The problem is him and I don’t want to wait for his mom to come over again to get married or figure out if we want to stay together, its just too long. Although because we don’t have actual irl interactions with the mom to see how my bf has changed and wants to set boundaries with his mom, we do need to be able to talk about this issue in a direct way, to have constructive conversation, and I know thats hard.

So now he says its not that he didn’t want to accept expectations regarding boundaries but he felt like how I presented it as a deal breaker scenario meant I wanted to break up. I think he knows I don’t want to, but wanted a way to deter me from bringing up talking out how he’ll handle his mom in the future.

He then says my lack of trust, and faith in him is a deal breaker. I told him my trust and faith in him is earned and that there is no way I can just give that to him without it being earned. Tonight with him breaking up with me he really went about ten steps back. Being able to talk things out in an honest manner, even if it means questioning things about his mom that might make me worry a bit I understand its part of the process and he needs to be honest with me things with his mom will be okay or at least showing me he’s trying will be another way for us to build back trust. It doesn’t help he’s decided to talk to his mom away from me in separate rooms for the past year.

I cannot continue to ignore this issue because it makes him uncomfortable. Its not like I bring it up on the daily or even biweekly either. It’s probably like once every month and a half I’ll bring something up, talk to him, see where he’s at, it usually 50/50 on whether he’s either on the same page or making excuses.

Next morning he wants to move on like nothing happened, then he admits he’s conditioned to be more trusting of his mom than he is me. Then he starts pointing finger at me saying I don’t socialize enough. I’ll admit yes, I’m a bit to myself and I’d like to get out and exercise my social skills a bit more, but I’m honestly pretty comfortable where I’m at tbh. I know he doesn’t like I’m not as sociable but now he somehow thinks its a good time to bring it up after I bring up the issue with his mom.

I reminded him that this isn’t a tally. I don’t mind talking about my issues and being open but thinking of our issues with each other as a tally won’t work. I’m very clear the likelihood I’ll enjoy socializing and become some social butterfly is very slim. If he’s mentioning this as some sort of deal breaker or expecting me to change in this regard its highly unlikely. Sure I’ll still socialize, and make some effort, but its not something I enjoy.

Bottom line, him setting proper boundaries with his mom is a necessary deal breaker for me. How can I continue to be able to talk to him about this issue in a constructive manner?

TL;DR; Bf doesn’t like to have conversations about his lack of ability to set boundaries with his mom. I presented him a deal breaker scenario regarding his mother and he chose to break up. I accepted it, then he takes it back, and says he is upset I don’t trust him regarding his mother and that is a deal breaker for him. I tell him I don’t trust him regarding this issue and that I cannot lie to him or say I am confident he will handle his mom when I don’t know and that it doesn’t help he wants to avoid the conversation. The he want to move on like nothing happened. Next, he starts pointing fingers at me about being asocial.

Submitted June 15, 2022 at 05:50PM by windpearl2 https://ift.tt/ZmvxOwf