My (32F) bf (30M) fundamentally does not understand my interests. Can't decide if this should be a dealbreaker.

tl;dr: I like nerdy fantasy hobbies and my bf thinks they're a waste of time. Is this worth ending a 4 yr relationship over?

My bf (30M) and I (32F) have been together for about 4 yrs. We have our ups and downs but things are ok overall. We are very attracted to each other and enjoy a similar lifestyle in terms of physical activity, a couple of shared hobbies, and how we like to manage our finances. We also both like to actively learn/experience new things which we found appealing in each other when we started dating.

However, it turns out the divide between our interests is far greater than I realized. Both of us are nerds but he is very rooted in hard sciences and technology and finds it hard to look beyond that. I knew this. I am interested in science and technology but more interested in the human condition, including current events, history, and storytelling of all kinds. I like to read books from non-fiction to epic fantasies and I love games, from tabletop rpgs to board games to video games.

When we first moved in together, I was finishing a graduate degree remotely so I didn't have a lot of time for leisure, but now it is behind me, I bought a gaming computer and he has been acting iffy whenever he sees me gaming. I had already noticed in the past that he would get weird about me playing tabletop rpgs with friends and ask questions like "do you really have time to do that this week?" in the past, but he seemed to calm down when I told him (like every session) how important it was for me socially.

I finally asked him about some of his comments last night and we had a long talk. He basically said he can't understand the value of the way I'm spending my time. From his POV, games (except puzzles) don't build skills or teach anything so it's just wasted time. He also doesn't understand the drive to indulge in other fantasy content (books, silly TV shows, movies) that is "just escapism" and not at all rooted in the real world. He also worries that the kind of play-acting that goes into tabletop rpgs could make a person lose their grasp on reality (??? what...???) since they spend so much time putting themselves in a make-believe zone to act out the scenes.

I'm kind of reeling from this discussion. I knew we had some pretty big differences and I already try not to bore him by talking about current events, games, books I'm reading, etc, but now apparently he's upset that I even spend time on these things at all. He kept asking me, when I finish with these things, don't I feel bad for wasting time? He said I only have one life to live with limited time and this is how I want to spend it? But honestly, yes, I don't want to spend it just working and doing things that others think are "productive" enough. Life is also for leisure and this is my leisure.

It's already been a lot to deal with not being able to talk to my partner about my interests in general, but now knowing he's probably judging me for indulging in these hobbies at all makes me wonder if I should just end the relationship. But when I think about it, ending a relatively healthy 4 yr relationship over fantasy books and video games sounds truly deranged. Can anyone help me sort out my thoughts on this? Any similar experiences of staying or not staying with such fundamental differences in values and how it worked out?

Submitted December 07, 2021 at 11:30AM by tit_ant_me_bae https://ift.tt/3IvWQ1g