Me [32M] with my girlfriend [36F] for 3 years, broke up, she wants to get back together but be Friends With Benefit until things change

My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for 3 years and about 4 weeks ago, we had an emotional/tired conversation on our way to dinner and she ultimately decided she wanted to be done, wasn't sure if she wanted to continue on the same path with me. We chatted later and ultimately me saying that I want to talk more about us, and she responded back with she needs time/space to take a breath and think about. Not related too much, but a week later we both got struck down by COVID and she felt that for like two weeks hard quarantine. We just shared little things here and there but nothing intense. She messaged that she missed me and that I was her best friend, but still felt like moving forward with her decision, just felt like an emotional rollercoaster with her, but again, just giving her space to breathe. She was asking the other day if I could watch her young daughter since she had to work, so I hung out with her and she came home and chatted like normal. Turns out, her ex-sister-in-law was in town, and she chatted about our relationship, and her SIL suggested that she take a breath and work on us again, which gave her a motivation to do so. Last night, she messaged me and asked to talk about our relationship, which went into a two-hour conversation and this is what she ultimately wanted to do.

She said, I'm not sure where my mindset is with you right, but I miss you and want you in my life. Basically, she says I want to work on us, but I don't want to feel like I want "all my eggs in one basket" for the time being. She says I want to be open to the idea that if during that, an opportunity arises where I might explore a connection if it happens, like talking with a guy and that leading to hanging out at a coffee shop. She said it also means that if something happens physical I want to be open to that as well. She said if something physical happened I would want you to know because if we're going to be physical that affects you (sexual health and all) and I trust her a good percentage that she would tell me about that. She also said that she doesn't want me to feel like I am restricted to her during this time if something opens up for me to explore, but BASICALLY saying that let's continue to work on each other, a "friends with benefits" status, and until we get back to that point of commitment and me wanting to "put all my eggs in your basket", that I have to be open to the fact she might interact with another guy in the meantime. She says she is not seeing anyone at all now or planning on doing dating services or anything, just that she wants to be open if the opportunity arises in the meantime.

The issue is, I don't feel the need to go out and explore other relationships right now, I had/have a connection with her and that's what I want. I know FULL well that I could sign up for Tinder today and find some dates and connect with someone. I don't want to look around for more options, I want to keep exploring and working on us. She isn't in a headspace right now where she feels like she can commit to a relationship with me, and there's nothing I can do about that. The thing is, I don't want to be just "friends" with her, like obviously the benefits things open up that intimacy and for us to work on each other, but there is no end date with it. I get it that she has to work this organically moving forward, and it's a good thing that she wants to work on things...just sucks to feel like she wants to open to dating and exploring, while I am not in the mindset to do that.

I just want a committed relationship with her that I experienced before. She isn't new enough for me to just enjoy "Friends with Benefits". It just feels she downgraded us to that and says, we'll work on things and see how things go forward. To me, there isn't a timeline or goal with that. What could that look like? A month? Two? Six?

It feels like right now it would be like going back to a girlfriend, but that she could be dating/sleeping with someone else, but in this case she is telling me openly that it might happen in the meantime until we get to the point where she wants to be back to being in a committed relationship. I don't want to explore a different relationship because it means connecting with someone, which eventually leads to sex, which means I feel that I should tell her then I had sex with someone, which to me then feels like she might want to "equalize" the score and sleep with someone else if she hasn't already.

So anyways, I've never been in this situation before, having a relationship "downgrade" on one side. It seems so much simpler to say I'm done and move on, but I know what I had with her, and it sounds like she wants to work on it as well, so that's hope for me...but in the meantime, she wants to be open to explore other connections. I'd rather just commit to working on us again and if she feels hesitant and things aren't moving forward, just break it off. The feeling is that it's almost the same thing since she says it's not like I have anything lined up, just if an opportunity arises. Well, not sure what that could look like in the future.

I feel like I am ok moving forward with each other, working on each other. I just feel like every single day I will be feeling ...so is it good now with us? And at the same time, DREAD if she ever told me "Hey just letting you know, I slept with this guy last night, just because you and I are being physical I thought you should know that." How should I respond to that?? Like I said, it feels like having a girlfriend and she's like oh yeah I met this guy, we hung out a few times, and then had sex.

I get it she's not ready to jump back into a committed relationship right now, but wants to work on things, it just hurts that she might be out exploring another relationship in the meantime, while I do not, because that usually ends to sex, and if I am getting to the point where I am having sex with someone while trying to work on another relationship, it feels too convoluted, like at that point you are having multiple relationships. Like if I am coming over for dinner and hanging out at her house, I feel she would never bring someone home to meet her kids unless it was a serious relationship, so to me that feels like if she did that she is shifting gears, and also means that things aren't working for us, which is something I want to know so that I can move on.

Wall of text, but basically, I love her and want to work on our connection, and I feel like she does too, but I feel she's using that time as a window to explore and feels like she can "choose" me and not be defaulted to me. In the meantime, I have anxiety how to approach my days with her. Like I said, I do not care at all if the opportunity came up that she is having coffee with someone or whatever, it's the anxiety that someday she might tell me "Hey just letting you know I slept with this guy"...but, if she still wanted to be in a relationship and working, that eventually it goes through to being committed, and now it's back to me and her.

Just looking for some advice on how I should be approaching this. Should I be giving her that space and stick with being friends with benefits right now and see where things end up happening? Or is there something toxic here and that I should be leaving and starting a new relationship? Thank you!

tl;dr: She breaks up with me, 4 weeks later she is open to working on us again, but she doesn't want to be "committed" together until things improve, and in the meantime she wants to be open to date other people if it happens. I am still wanting to focus on her, not sure how to feel/progress.

Submitted December 03, 2021 at 06:09AM by Marvel_221 https://ift.tt/3EnDCZw